


iyasu

by deadmanswilly



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Shikamaru - Freeform, Slow Burn, Trauma, shikamaruxoc - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:08:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 73,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27258451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadmanswilly/pseuds/deadmanswilly
Summary: - shikamaru nara x ocattempting to heal.tw: eating disorder-Mira has only known how to binge until she learns to starve. For two years, she plunges deeper into her eating disorder. No one ever told her to stop, so she restricted freely. Her life was lonely and cold. She expected nothing but the same in a new village, but someone immediately approaches her, recognizing the pain she's putting herself through.
Relationships: Nara Shikamaru/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 70





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings!  
> if any of these may upset you please do not continue on with the story! i'd also prefer if only 18+ readers read this :)
> 
> \- eating disorders (anorexia & bulimia)  
> \- sexual assault  
> \- kidnapping  
> \- abusive relationships  
> \- possible future sexual themes
> 
> info about the writer
> 
> hello! my name is ry & here are some things i think you should know about me before reading. first off, i am in no way trying to romanticize any mental illness or trauma. please understand that i wrote this fanfiction to help with my own eating disorder and express my emotions about traumatic things that have happened to me.
> 
> i can say i have never been kidnapped, that was added to the story because i couldn't figure out a way to make the story more interesting, so if that offends anyone in the slightest i deeply apologize.
> 
> i wrote this not even sure if i was ever going to publish this or show it to my friends. i heavily identify with the oc i created.
> 
> also! i have not finished shippuden yet, so there might be info in here that isn't correct. i did as much research as i could, but i'm only at the beginning of the war arc right now. oh yeah by the way spoilers this takes place when shikamaru is 19-20.
> 
> also i have a wattpad if you'd prefer to read this on there. it's @deadmanswilly :)

'Fat' is the first word I can remember someone used to describe me. Even as a baby, I was chubbier than most. As a little kid, I thought it was a good thing when grown-ups pinched my 'cute little fat cheeks' and told me how adorable they were. It wasn't until later on in elementary school that I realized 'fat' has a negative connotation. 

I'm not going to sit here and say I was this majorly giant of a kid. In all honesty, I was probably just a little chubby. I had a belly and these big cheeks my mom claimed I was gifted with. Yet, for some reason, that belly and those cheeks are what defined me as a person. Other kids would call me names, making jabs at my weight. Mom tried to tell me it's just because they were jealous of how well fed I was. I believed her for a while.

Junior high came along and it didn't stop. Those who went to my elementary school continued to make the jokes, and of course, they spread along to those who never knew me. By this point, I'll admit I was getting a bit tubby. However, tubby would be an understatement by the end of junior high. 

My mom passed away that year, and things amplified from there. I started living on my own. My dad was gone and I had no other family, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be adopted. My village would give me money monthly to take care of my necessities until I got a job. With that money, I would buy cheap unhealthy quick meals. I replaced my mom's filling but healthy cooking with high-calorie snacks and fatty dinners.

In my first year of high school, the jokes got meaner. Actually, they started to feel less like jokes and more like facts. People stared at me like I was some disgusting pig, and I was starting to see the same thing they were. I was no longer a chubby girl with black hair; I saw the beast everybody described me as.

Right before my second year, I decided to try to go on a diet, which ultimately failed no less than a week later. So I tried again, only to fail once more. This went on for probably six months, and I had only managed to lose a few pounds. It was right before winter break that I had my epiphany. I'd found out, meat was a big part of my calorie intake, so why not cut it out. I came back from winter break a vegetarian.

To my surprise, it worked decently well. I was losing a few pounds a month. Not great, but it was progress. I entered my third and final year ten pounds lighter. But the jokes didn't slow down. In fact, no one even noticed. This time, though, I didn't give up. I kept on my vegetarian diet, even though the jokes kept on. 

That year, I found more replacements for the fatty foods I was eating. The weight began to shed off faster and faster. The reflection in my mirror was bearable once again. By graduation, I had reached 140, which felt like an accomplishment. I was almost the average weight for my height. It wasn't until that day someone finally took notice.

"Oi, Mira, did you lose weight?" A boy from my class I barely recognized approached me slowly. I had to fight a smile for someone finally noticing. I nodded eagerly, nearly about to explode from pride. "Oh, it was hard to tell. Your body looks slimmer, but your face is still chubby." And that's when my joy ended.

That night I stared at myself in the mirror for hours, trying to make my face skinnier. How the hell do I lose forty pounds, but not even an ounce in my face? Every skinny girl in my class has a slim face, and mine is fat and round!

Soon, being vegetarian was less of a diet and more like an excuse. I stopped buying anything unhealthy and stopped eating out entirely. When I went out with my friends, I told them I couldn't eat because I'm vegetarian. That excuse lost it's validity when they starting going to restaurants that have vegetarian options. That's when I went vegan.

My calorie intake was divided in half in less than two months. I was eating around 800 calories a day when I weighed myself for the first time since graduation, and I had lost twenty pounds. I was at a perfectly healthy weight, but my face was still fat.

I stopped giving myself cheat days after that, hoping it would speed up the process. 

By my eighteenth birthday, I weighed 115 pounds. I decided my goal was 110, then I would quit. I knew my eating habits were getting bad, but if I stopped now, it would erase all the work I did. 

As I'd gotten thinner, losing weight had become a slower process. Since quitting my job at the noodle shop, I feel as if I'm getting fatter, though that's the same reason I quit. Just watching people eat made me feel like I was taking in their calories.

Four months after my birthday, I hit 110. I should have been happy. I suppose I expected my face would thin out at 110. Still the same chubby face. 

I guess I knew deep in my mind, quitting wasn't going to happen anyway.


	2. one

Five months passed and life became a wreck on the outside too. My small village where nothing ever happened was attacked. Our leaders had never felt the need previously to have ninja, so the task was left to our small police force. We never stood a chance.

Only a few died, due to the leaders evacuating us as soon as things started, but the entire village was flattened in mere minutes. Our village is called Tonaki, nothing special about it. We're on the outskirts of the Land of Rock, right next to the Village Hidden in the Rain. The Village Hidden in the Leaves wasn't too far from us either.

Luckily for us, all three of these neighboring villages were willing to take us in while Tonaki is being rebuilt. About half went to the Hidden Rain since it's closer, and most of those that were left went to the Hidden Rock Village. However, twenty-something unlucky bastards and I had the misfortune of having to take the long journey to the Land of Fire. With all the other villages at maximum guest capacity, it was our only option. 

The journey was worse than I'd expected. Traveling three days on low food, when you already don't eat much as it is, was tiring. I struggled to keep my consciousness but thankfully made it through. The group traveling with me had a few elderly couples, a couple who looked to be in their early forties, two preteen boys, one boy my age, two girls my age, a young man probably a year or so older than me, and a group of several children running around I didn't bother to count. I recognized the boy my age, but he never looked at me, so I doubt he'd recognize me.

We're being led by two ninjas from the Leaf, both of which names I have already forgotten. They're both probably in their late twenties. The one with more wild hair had a white piece of cloth draped across his face, covering the bridge of his nose. The other one's headband covers the top half of his head. There isn't much distinct about him besides that, besides the fact that his undershirt comes up to cover the bottom of his chin.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, we arrive at the entrance to the village. We follow the two ninjas through the village, earning some weird looks from the citizens of the village. I can't help but think that they were looking at my face and thinking about how big my cheeks were. I try to brush it off as me overthinking and stop thinking about it, but this will definitely keep me up tonight. 

After being escorted into a building, we wait in a line in front of what I assume to be the Hokage's office. Since most people were families, they went in together, but I'm on my own.

When it's my turn, the one who's undershirt covers his chin opened the door for me to walk in. I enter, meeting eyes with the grey-haired Hokage. Despite his grey hair, he doesn't look that old. He doesn't say anything, so I decide to speak first.

"Uh... Hi, I'm Mira Tanaka..." I state nervously. The Hokage nods without responding, moving his eyes down to his desk. For a moment, I thought he was ignoring me, and immediately start to get a bad vibe about this guy. 

"I'm Kakashi Hatake. You're eighteen?" he asks me. _That's not the best way to start a conversation._ Ignoring my inner monologue, I nod. "No other family?" I shake my head. "You'll be staying in an apartment nearby until your village is finished. The first month is free but I suggest you get a job sooner rather than later. We will also be giving you money for food and other necessities. Make sure to make it last because you will not be getting any more." The Hokage does not miss a beat, repeating to me what I'm sure he's said to everyone before me. "Tomorrow at noon meet with the others in front of the building. Shizune will be doing a wellness check on all of you." He motions to the dark-haired woman beside him, holding a small pig.

I nod, once again, ignoring how odd it is to hold a small pig in your arms like it's a cat. "Thank you very much, sir."

He hums in response, writing down on a slip of paper. When he finishes, instead of handing it to me, he hands it to the man next to him. Well, 'man' might be a bit of an overstatement, he can't be much older than me. He's leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. He has his dark hair in a ponytail, which seems much more efficient than most of the ninjas I've seen around. 

"Shikamaru," the Hokage says firmly. The boy opens his eyes and looks down at the slip in the Hokage's hands. He takes it and walks over handing it to me. On the paper is an address and a signature from the Hokage. I look up to thank the boy, whose name I gather is Shikamaru, but he's already back to his previous spot on the wall again with his eyes closed. "Alright, you may leave now," the Hokage dismisses me. I nod and the same man who opened the door to let me in opens it to let me out. I'm escorted out of the building by the one with the while cloth across his face and am left to find the apartments by myself.

It doesn't take me long to find them. I guess the Hokage wasn't kidding when he said nearby. The apartments are within view of the Hokage's residence. It took little time to get a room, I guess since they already prepared them for us. The apartment was sort of like a motel. It's small, one-bedroom, one bath, and a kitchen. There isn't even a door between the living room and bedroom, just like most motels I've been to.

On the way out of the building earlier, the one who escorted me out mentioned that there would be a dinner paid for by the village for all of us. For obvious reasons, I won't be attending. More than anything right now, I want to sleep. I sink into the bed, allowing myself to fall into a deep blissful sleep.

—

I wake up and it's dark outside. I turn to look over at the digital clock on the bedside table. 4 am. I slept for a whole twelve hours. _That's what happens when you sleep on grass three nights in a row._

Realizing all of a sudden how dry my mouth is, I push myself off the bed, going to the kitchen. I fill a cup that was thankfully provided by the village with water. It's been a long time since I drank anything but water. I read somewhere that drinking a lot of it can help you lose weight. For the next hour, that's all I find myself doing. Drinking water.

Back at home, I always had something to keep me busy. This damn outdated village doesn't even have a TV in here. I had to leave most of my things behind when we evacuated, so I didn't even get the chance to grab a book. I kept a picture of my mom though. Shit, that reminds me! I grab my bag and pull out the photograph, setting it on the bedside table.

I look at the clock and it's nearly 5 am. Shops should start opening soon so I should probably start trying to find places to apply to. I go to my bathroom and start to get undressed. I've lost eighty pounds, but I still feel disgusting. I turn away from the mirror before I get too distracted. 

I turn on the water as hot as it can go and fill up the tub, stepping in when it's nearly full. I put up my hair, so it won't get wet. I take my time bathing in the warmth. Since I started to restrict more, I feel cold all the time. Taking baths is the only time where I feel warm. I start to drift off, wanting to fight against it but giving in after putting up no fight.

_Ding-dong!_

I jump at the sudden sound. I don't move for a second, thinking it must've been my imagination, but then it rings again. I panic, standing up suddenly, which was a bad idea. My vision goes black for a second and I have to balance myself on the tub. It rings again and I call out to get them to stop. "Hold on!" 

My vision finally clears a little, so I quickly dry myself off and slip on my clothes I was wearing before. I walk out quickly, hoping I haven't kept them waiting for too long, and open the door. I look up at the person at my door, but the black dots are still swarming my vision, so I can't make out who it is. I can tell it's a guy, but that's about it.

"The Hokage thought you ran away, but I guess you're just wasting people's time," he grumbles.

"Huh?" I closed my eyes and looked down for a few seconds. When I opened them again, my vision was back to normal and I recognized the guy as the same one from yesterday sleeping against the wall in the Hokage's office.

He looks at me with a weird expression but it quickly goes back to irritated. "You missed dinner, then you don't show up to Shizune's wellness check." My eyes widen, feeling my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. 

"I thought it was at noon," I think out loud, turning to try and get a peek at the time.

"It's nearly 2 pm," he states. In denial, I take a step back to see my clock with my own eyes. Sure enough, he was right.

"I- I'm sorry. I overslept, is it too late to do it?" I stumble on my words, feeling loads more embarrassed now.

"Why do you think they sent me? Just to scold you?" He leans against the doorway. I take that as an answer and turn around and put on my shoes. I'm back to the doorway in seconds. "Uh... you're keeping that jacket on? It's pretty hot outside."

I walk out the door and lock it. "Yeah, I'm alright. You can't say much, look what you're wearing." I silently scold myself for being disrespectful to a jounin, but he responds casually.

"I have to wear this. You're choosing to overheat." Touché.

"Oh, I'm Mira Tanaka," I say, scolding myself for not saying it sooner.

"Shikamaru Nara," he replies. _Should I call him by his surname? Would it be fine to be informal with him? The Hokage calls him by his given name so it must be fine right?_ My brain short circuits. 

When we arrive at a building to the side of the Hokage's residence, I take note that no one else from my village was there. Shikamaru leads me into a small room, where Shizune is. This time, without her pig.

"Hi, I'm sorry. I overslept," I apologize. She waves it off.

"No worries, you had a long trip." She starts taking my temperature and asking me questions about my health. She checks my height. 5'3, nothing's changed. I feel a bit embarrassed with Shikamaru in the same room, but I don't bother to care since he's not paying attention.

Shizune pushes a scale in front of me, and I stare at it for a moment. "Take your jacket off please." I do as I'm told and hesitantly step on the scale. Before a number shows up, Shizune gasps lightly. I look at her and notice her staring at my arm. I look down and there's nothing special about it. I look down at the scale and have to fight back a smile seeing the number. 98 pounds. I guess those three days helped a lot, I wonder if my face has slimmed out. I step down and grab my jacket. Turning around, I see Shikamaru staring at me as well. Shizune's gasp must've caught his attention. Looking back and forth between them, I start to worry. I look down at my own arm, trying to see if it's turning blue or something crazy. Did I get bit by a spider or something?

"Is something wrong?" The anxiety in my voice is apparent.

"You're... very thin," she says softly. Looking down at my arm, I don't see what she means.

"Oh! Uh... I have a fast metabolism. I can't really help it." I lie. "I eat all the time, but I just can't gain weight." She lets out a sigh of relief.

"Well that's good, but I think I should give you a diet to help you gain weight," she says and fear races through my body.

"Ah, well I don't mind the weight I am," I say nervously. "Plus... I'm vegan and it would be hard for you to come up with a vegan meal plan." Shikamaru suddenly grabs my arm and wraps his thumb and middle finger around it.

"Maybe being vegan isn't what's best for your body right now, my fingers can almost touch around your bicep." I yank my arm away from his hand, feeling slightly annoyed.

"I'd prefer to keep eating the way I do," I mumble. Shizune nods and writes something down on her notepad.

"Well, nothing's wrong. You're in perfect health," she grins. I hear Shikamaru scoff a bit, but I ignore him.

"Thank you," I smile as she escorts me and Shikamaru out of the room. Once we're out, I begin to walk toward home, but I can hear his footsteps behind me. "Why did you stay there?" I ask, letting a bit of my anger slip through.

"Nothing better to do," he yawns.

"You work directly for the Hokage, yet you have nothing better to do? I think that's just an excuse to not do your job." After he grabbed my arm, I feel on edge with him. I no longer cared about his position as a ninja.

"If by my job you mean sit around and watch Kakashi reread Make Out Paradise then yeah, you're right." I guess I couldn't argue with that. "So, Vegan, have you eaten today?" Was he testing me or something? Even if I wasn't dieting, I slept all day, so I haven't had the chance. No point in lying over something that would be impossible.

"I fell asleep the second I got to the apartment, so I haven't had the chance to," I admit.

"No dinner, breakfast, or lunch. When's the last time you ate?" He's seriously starting to piss me off asking me all these questions about food. What's it to him anyway? 

"I ate bread yesterday before we arrived," I groan. The apartments come into view and I begin to make my way to the apartment, but he grabs me by the wrist.

"You must be hungry, then?" he smirks, probably thinking he's got one over on me. It's the first time I'd seen anything resemble a smile on his face. He was winning, but I couldn't let him.

"Why do you think I'm going home?" I jeer, narrowing my eyes.

"Why do that when I know a place that serves vegan curry? If you can finish a whole bowl, I'll pay," he teases snarkily. I deepen my eyebrows unintentionally, getting a headache from this guy already.

"I don't even have money on me, you'd have to pay anyway."

"So you'll go." He starts to pull me along. I dig my heels into the dirt trying to pull away from his grasp, but he's much stronger than me. We stop in front of a small shop and he orders for me, not even letting me see the menu.

"I don't even know what's in it! What if I'm allergic to something?" I grumble.

"I recall you telling Shizune you have no allergies." _Smartass._

"You're a dick," I curse, immediately feeling guilty. My guilt dissipates when he lets out some sort of resemblance of a laugh. Before our food comes out, a bigger guy walks in and grins when he sees Shikamaru.

"Hey! Shikamaru!" he calls out happily. Shikamaru turns around, facing the chubbier boy.

"Hey Choji," He says nonchalantly. Choji makes his way over to us and sits next to Shikamaru. "This is Mira, she's one of the people from Tonaki."

"Hi Mira, I'm Choji Akimichi." He grins at me and I can't help but smile back. Then he turns to Shikamaru and lowers his voice. "I sure hope you aren't-"

"Yeah, right! If I even thought about another girl that way, Temari would beat the shit out of me in the middle of the street," he interrupts, seemingly knowing what his friend was about to say.

"I'd like to see that." I pipe in. Choji bursts into a fit of laughter.

"Then what are you two doing here?" Choji asks once he's done giggling.

"Making sure she eats," Shikamaru says honestly. I feel a rush of fear chill my spine, calming down the instant I realize Choji didn't think a second thought about it. "She's a _vegan_ so I told her about their vegan curry." 

"You don't have to say vegan like that!" I slap the back of his head, deciding that treating him like the child he's acting like is appropriate.

"God, why are all women like this?" He looks up as if the ceiling will give him the answer. Choji sits back and laughs, while Shikamaru continues to stare. My plate is then set in front of me, and my eyes widen in fear.

There... is so much food. This must be like... 800-1000 calories on this plate alone. I'm not even supposed to go over five hundred. I stare at my food without eating it, like staring at it will make it go away. I take a spoon and scoop up a small bit, hesitantly putting it in my mouth. I feel eyes on me so I put my head down so they can't look at me. Chew, chew, chew. I keep on chewing to avoid swallowing all these calories. However, the longer I take, the longer this idiot with a ponytail will stare at me. I force it down my throat, feeling myself gain five pounds. When I'm finished with this curry —if I can finish it— I'll be back where I started. I'll have to lose weight all over again. If I throw it up though, it'll go away. So, I just need to force this curry down and spit it back up.

I begin to eat the curry normally, and Shikamaru diverts his attention to Choji rather than me. Halfway through the meal, I was completely full. I felt disgusting, but also proud that only half filled my stomach. I definitely could've eaten a whole plate a few years ago.

I put my head down hoping the curry will disappear. Soon, I hear my dish being picked up and look up to see the server putting it in a to-go box. I decide to take the opportunity to go to the bathroom to get rid of all those calories I just swallowed, but my wrist is grabbed again.

"Since you can't pay real money, your payment is sitting here and letting your food digest." That's my final straw, I've had enough.

"Do you think you're funny, Shikamaru?" I bite. He raises his eyebrows.

"Funny? No, not really. I'm just not an idiot," he retorts. "My teammate used to do this to herself, it's really obvious," he explains. "You're already skinny as it is, why not just stop?" My face flushes when I hear him say that I'm skinny. Really? Am I skinny?

"It's not like it's any of your business, so why involve yourself?"

"Because you girls are so idiotic. Just eat." He stands up to leave, grabbing the to-go box, and I follow him.

"Easy for you to say, you're clearly naturally thin," I mumble.

"And Choji isn't, he's happy _and_ healthy." I snap my head around looking for Choji, realizing I had completely forgotten about him, but realize he's nowhere to be seen. Shikamaru sighs dramatically. "Idiot. He left half an hour ago. This is what happens when you starve yourself."

"I don't starve myself!" I argue.

"So, what do you call it?" He stops dead in his tracks and his eyes meet mine, boring into them.

"I'm just dieting, that's it," I admit, averting my eyes from his.

"Oh, you're delusional too," he concludes.

"Fuck you! We just met today and you're already an asshole." I start to walk ahead of him, but his long legs catch up fast.

"Oh, poor Mira, someone wants to make sure she eats," he mocks. "If you're going to be stubborn, then fine." He hands me the box of curry. "I trust you can find your way back." He stops, I look back at him with as much hatred as I could manage and nod. He turns around and walks the other way.

My first full day in Konoha. Slept for half of it, missed the wellness check, and was forced to eat by some asshole ninja. On top of all that, I didn't make any progress towards getting a job as I had planned. I walk through my door and throw the box on the table in the kitchen. 

Damn Shikamaru. That fucking asshole. He acts as if he knows me.

I seethe while trying to go to sleep, but one thing can't leave my mind. He told me I'm skinny. I go to the mirror and stare at my body. No, it must just be my arms. Well, no they're more average than skinny. My legs are still too big though, and my belly. I stare at my face, the one thing that has remained consistent since before I lost weight. 

Maybe it's not that I'm skinny, but that he expected me to be bigger because of my round face. My thighs still touch, so it's not like I'm _that_ thin. No, he probably was just shocked because my face is chubby.

It's almost one in the morning when I'm back in bed. I have to actually try to get a job tomorrow. I promise myself and doze off, thinking of all the mean things I should've said to Shikamaru.


	3. two

Dammit. I knew that I should've just thrown up the curry when I had the chance. I'm back to my starting weight. All my work has gone down the drain because of one screw up. No, I'm even fatter than before. I weigh probably six hundred pounds. How could I let this happen? Even if I do lose all that weight, I'll have a hundred pounds of extra skin. I'm never going to be beautiful. I fucked it up just to argue with some random dude. I fucking hate you, Shikamaru Nara. This should be you that's six hundred pounds. I didn't even finish my whole plate!

I spot a knife on my kitchen counter. _Well, I could always cut the fat off, right? It shouldn't be that hard._ I take the knife and press it to my bulging stomach. Yellow fat spills as I drag the blade across my belly. Pounds and pounds of fat spill onto the floor. I gag at the yellow mess. It's disgusting. All of that is inside my body. I don't even want a pound of that yellow mush inside me. After I finish cutting off all the fat, I go to the mirror to see my progress. In the mirror, stands a girl one hundred pounds heavier than I was before. I'm still fucking fat.

I wake up in a cold sweat, immediately grabbing my tummy and legs and arms to make sure I'm not seven hundred pounds. I sigh, realizing it was just a dream. Damn you, Shikamaru. I walk up to the box of curry and throw it in the trash without hesitation, feeling guilty that I didn't do it sooner. I make a promise to myself that I'm going too fast for 48 hours to make up for the curry. 

I still need to find a job. Main goals for today: burn off yesterday's calories and find a job. I take a quick cold shower before heading out. I found something that said your body burns calories when you're cold to make you feel a little warmer. I'm not sure if it really works, but I do it anyway.

After I dry off and get dressed in my usual loose black cargos and sweatshirt, I head out. I find out pretty quickly that almost every place hiring in this village is food-related. 

It's not that I can't do it but being surrounded by the thing you hate the most makes it harder to avoid it. I end up snagging an interview for two different places, one being the place with the vegan curry, the other being a ramen shop. I felt good about both, but I won't find out until tomorrow. Until then, I suppose there's no harm in exploring the village.

Overall, the village is nice. It's much bigger than mine, which is a huge change. I watch as young ninjas train, and older ninjas leave for missions. It's nice seeing kids out and training for something they're passionate about. You never see much of that in my village. Tonaki is more modernized, so students there typically focus on business-related futures. 

On my way back to my apartment, I recognize a larger-than-average body in my path. I instantly recognize the warm brown hair. Thankfully, he's alone and not accompanied by a certain uptight asshole.

"Hey, Mira!" Choji calls out while waving. I smile and wake back, as he jogs up to me. He strikes me as an extremely friendly type. "What you up to?" he asks with a huge grin taking up half his face.

"I was just applying for jobs," I tell him. "They're only paying our rent for the first month so we got to come up with the money somehow." Choji nods as I speak, showing me he's listening.

"Do your parents work?" Choji asks innocently. I almost didn't have the heart to tell him the truth.

"Oh, well..." I trail off nervously. "My mom passed away a couple of years ago, and I don't know my dad." I try to force out a small laugh to ease the tension, but it comes out weird.

"I'm sorry!" he apologizes. "I still live with my parents and have too much money as it is, if you ever need help with paying for anything I don't mind." I laugh quietly at his kindness. He's probably only offering because he felt bad, but it was still adorable nonetheless.

"It's no problem, bud." I pat his arm, hoping it's not too weird to touch someone you just met.

"Now that I think about it, I know a place that might be hiring," Choji thinks out loud. "Is there anything specific you're looking for?" 

"Not really, I just prefer not to work with food, which seems impossible here," I laugh, and Choji's face brightens up. 

"That's perfect!" he cheers. "It's a flower shop. It shouldn't be too far. Do you wanna go?" Choji blabbers, overwhelming my ears. It's not like I can say no. It sounds way better than a ramen shop. I happily nod without saying a word, earning an even bigger grin from Choji. He signals for me to follow him.

On our way to the shop, we pass by a few of Choji's friends. At least, I assume they're his friends. Seems pretty impossible for me to _not_ be friends with this sweet boy. I meet an energetic blond boy around my age, whose name I almost instantly forget but I remember struck me as odd. Next was a girl with pink hair, who seemed to be in a bad mood. Choji said something about her boyfriend but I didn't think to care. Finally, I met a brown-haired boy with a _huge_ dog. The dog had to be nearly two-hundred pounds. I didn't remember the boy's name, but I sure as hell remembered the dog's. Akamaru.

We stop in front of a yellow building with potted plants all around it. Choji waves to the girl inside, and she comes out quickly. She's gorgeous. She's thin and her hair is platinum blonde. I have a feeling she knows how good her body is, considering she's wearing a short purple top. _God, I'd kill to look like her._

"Need something, Choji?" she says, exiting the shop. Her eyes fall on me and she looks at me curiously.

"This is Mira, she's from Tonaki," Choji explains, in which Ino tilts her head in confusion. "The village that was destroyed," Choji elaborates quickly, trying to be sympathetic towards me. 

"Oh, gotcha!" Ino slams her fist in her hand. She walks up to the both of us with a kind smile.

"Mira, this is Ino. She's me and Shikamaru's teammate," Choji informs me. Teammate? Oh, this must be the girl Shikamaru mentioned yesterday. Well, I can see for myself that she's skinny. Was she not always like that? 

"Hi, I'm Ino Yamanaka!" Ino beams, taking my hands in hers. "You're super cute! Are you wearing makeup?" I feel a bit overwhelmed instantly. She pulls my hands up like there's something she needs to inspect. "Your hands are super cold," she observes, which I choose to ignore.

"Uh, well... I wear mascara," I mumble self-consciously.

"Really?! Your skin is so clear! You must drink a lot of water." _Oh, you have no idea._ She went on talking and I was having a hard time keeping up with everything she says. I looked to Choji for support, but he seemed to understand everything Ino was saying.

"Slow down, will ya?" A voice says from behind me, causing my body to tense. He is the last person I feel like seeing. Shikamaru stands beside Choji, and I fight my urge to just walk away. _Is getting a job worth being near this guy?_

"Screw you, Shikamaru," Ino says before I get the chance to even think it, though I might've used harsher words. Shikamaru rolls his eyes and stands beside Choji. I feel a headache coming on with just him being around. I look to Choji, silently begging him to do something to get Shikamaru away.

Choji notices my plea. "Ino, I was actually wondering if you're hiring," Choji asks. _Well, not exactly what I was thinking, but A for effort._

Ino's expression deadpans. "What do you need an extra job for?" she frowns at him. I get a feeling that Choji makes more than Ino by the way her eyes narrow at him.

"No, no, not me," Choji says defensively. "She's looking for a job, I thought maybe you'd be hiring." Choji nervously fumbles with his hands.

"Hm? Well, I don't necessarily _need_ the extra help, but it would be nice," Ino ponders. I silently pray. _Please don't make me work with food, please don't make me work with food._ "Sure, come in tomorrow and I'll get you started." I blink at her in shock.

"Started?" I repeat, sure that I heard her right, but still confused. She nods, not helping whatsoever. "Not even an interview?"

"It's not a hard job, and I'd like to have a girl to talk to more," Ino giggles. "The only girls here are Forehead, Hinata, and Weapon Girl. You seem a bit more interesting." I'm not sure what she means, but it sounds like a good thing nonetheless. It's the third day and I already have two friends. _And one annoying prick to avoid._

"A-alright, I guess." I can't help the smile tugging at my lips. Two friends _and_ a job. Specifically, a job without food and _with_ a friend.

"Man, I'm starving!" Choji exclaims, diverting all of our attention on him.

"That's nothing new," Ino groans. I should probably take my chance to leave now before they invite me out to eat or anything.

"I should probably go back home," I announce. "I'll see you _two_ around," I emphasize that I'm only talking about Choji and Ino, both of which notice, making quick glances at their dark-haired friend. As I walk away, I hear footsteps follow me and I'm relieved when I turn to see long blonde hair.

"Where are you staying? I'll come to visit sometime." Ino, though talkative, seemed like a good person. I wouldn't mind being friends with her. I tell her the address and apartment number, then I'm off. 

Successfully avoided that prick with the ponytail!

—

I don't know how I managed to do it, but since then I haven't seen Shikamaru once. What's even weirder is that I haven't seen Choji either. It's been almost a week now. I'm all good with not seeing Shikamaru, but I really was starting to warm up towards Choji. I didn't want to ask Ino because I didn't want to sound like I was too concerned, but I was curious. Thankfully, the answer came without me having to ask.

"I'm so glad I finally have someone to keep me company at work!" Ino grins. "It's not so busy anymore, so it's super boring. I wish I could invite Choji or Shikamaru, but they're on a mission right now. It was getting so bad I started to consider hanging out with Sakura, but you came just in time. She's the last person I want to see after the news came out." Sakura, nicknamed 'forehead', is one of the main topics in Ino's little rants. I found out pretty quickly the girl Ino's ranting about is the same one I met a few days ago. 

"What news?" I question. Ino's eyes narrow.

"Her and Sasuke got engaged," Ino huffs. I'm not sure who Sasuke is, but I leave it to Ino to tell me. "Sakura and I liked him both when we were kids, and even though I have a boyfriend now, she still likes to rub it in my face. I just know she's going to make some snarky comment about how _she_ got Sasuke and I didn't. I started dating Sai before they even got together! Stupid Forehead. Just because she and Sasuke are moving faster doesn't mean she's better than me." Ino takes in a deep breath. "Sorry for going on so much. I'm just jealous. Not of Sasuke just... everyone. Everybody moves faster than me and Sai. Do you have a boyfriend?"

I feel a bit uncomfortable with the question, but maybe my answer will make her feel better. "Nope never had one," I say honestly.

"Alright, well, imagine if you did. Let's say you've been with your boyfriend for almost a year and you've only kissed once, and it's because _you_ initiated it and he didn't even kiss back." Ino's cheeks turn a light shade of pink. "Sai and I spent a lot of time together and our communication is better than ever, but... I want affection. Seeing Choji and Shikamaru with their girlfriends makes me so jealous. Shikamaru isn't the biggest fan of PDA but he isn't like Sai." She suddenly stops talking and I realize she's waiting for me to answer.

"Well, I guess I'd be upset too. I'm not really the best person to ask, though. I've never even liked anyone. In school, I was made fun of a lot. It's hard to have a crush on people who call you fat daily," I laugh it off like a joke, and Ino laughs with me.

"Yeah, you won't have to worry about that much here. 'Fat' is sort of like a restricted word if you're friends with Choji. Choji's really kind-hearted, but that's one thing that really gets him worked up. Plus, you're obviously not fat. I'm sure things will be way different now."

"I don't think I'll be liking anyone here, to be honest," I chuckle. "I'll only be here for a couple of months, no use in trying to find someone now." Ino shrugs, but her lips turn up into her customer-service smile when someone walks into the shop.

While she deals with the oncoming customers, I water the plants in the back. It's almost time for me to get off, so I finish my duties before heading out. I say a quick goodbye to Ino, who's busy with a customer, and head out.

Konoha is absolutely gorgeous to walk through, it's something I don't think I'll ever grow tired of. I don't miss much in my old village. I never had much to begin with. Well, there's one thing I long for the most. My beautiful scale. I haven't been weighed since my second day here, before the curry. Since that day, I've been restricting twice as much as before, but I'm not sure how well it's working. It's not like I can visit Shizune and ask to be weighed.

_Maybe I should go to a store and buy one?_

Without much hesitation, I turn around to walk to the nearest store. There's no reason that I shouldn't. I haven't gotten paid yet for working, but I still have money the village gave me. Since I don't eat much, I'm sure I'll be able to afford a scale. 

I walk inside the store, deciding while I'm at it, I should probably get food. I put veggies, bread, low-calorie snacks, and vegan dairy replacements in my basket. Those alone only take up about a quarter of the money I was given. I decide to buy some clothes and other necessities as well while I'm at it. Unfortunately, I look through the store up and down a few times, but no luck finding a scale. I reluctantly give up and go pay.

I make small talk with the cashier, then I'm on my way back home. I feel pretty stupid once I reach the halfway point because everything is too heavy for me to carry. My apartment is only a couple of blocks away, but the bags I'm carrying are heavier than I anticipated. I drop my bags on the sidewalk, trying to regain my balance since my head started to spin and ache.

"You alright there?" Just when I thought my headache was going away, there he is to make my day worse. I look up and see Shikamaru standing over me. I bury my face into my knees and let out a long sigh.

"Aren't you supposed to be on a mission?" I whine.

"It wasn't much of a mission, but had to go to the Sand for a bit."

"Well, go back," I grumble. 

"Ehh, I prefer it here. I'm dating the Kazekage's sister. Might be lame, but I'm kind of scared of what might happen if I screwed up with him nearby." _A Kage's sister? Is this guy hot shit or something?_

"Surprising that someone is willing to date you," I berated, feeling mean the second it left my lips. I know I'm being way too harsh on him, but my head's spinning, and I just want to be left alone.

"Surprised me too," he replies, not seemingly affected by my mean comment one bit. I didn't reply to him. I sunk my head further between my knees to block out the sunlight. I thought Shikamaru would've left by now, but I look back up to see the boy with an unlit cigarette in between his teeth.

"Gross..." I mutter, eyeing the cigarette.

"If I can't judge your bad habits, you can't judge mine either," he responds. I guess I couldn't fight with that, but I was going to anyway.

"You just assume that I'm unhealthy. I'm not killing myself like you are with cigarettes," I argue.

He shrugs and says, "I don't smoke them often. Now, would you mind dropping it?"

"If I'm bothering you then leave," I bite.

"I'm waiting for you to ask for help." He slips the cigarette behind his ear and squats down. "I don't really want to help but it wouldn't look great if I just ignored someone who looks like they're about to faint." I dig my face in between my knees again as I start to turn red from embarrassment. _Was it that obvious?_ "You live alone so it's fine to ask, anyone would struggle to carry these."

"I'd..." I trail off. I lift my face from my knees again, not looking him in the eye. "I'd appreciate it..." Shikamaru begins picking up bags. I grab some, but Shikamaru ends up with most of them. _'Anyone would struggle to carry these.' Yeah, right._

Walking back, I start to feel bad about all the mean things I said to Shikamaru. I didn't realize until now he hasn't even mentioned my eating. If he leaves it alone, I don't see a point in being mean to him anymore. I'd prefer to go on living normally without someone hounding me on how I eat. It takes me until we're at my front door to have the courage to apologize.

"I'm sorry for being mean," I confess, looking away. "I was in a bad mood I guess so I just took it out on you." I put my bags on the ground and grab my keys. "I can handle it from here." Shikamaru lets the bags he's carrying down.

"Apology accepted," he says, starting to walk away. At the end of the hall, he pauses for a second and turns around. "I'm sorry too. I told my girlfriend about it and she said I was in the wrong, and she's usually right." Shikamaru stuffs his hands in his pockets.

I laugh quietly as I unlock my door. "You're going to have to introduce me to her someday." He nods in response and walks away. I suppose Shikamaru can't be all that horrible as I thought. He was probably just projecting his care for his teammate onto me, and that's respectable. Maybe it bothered him when Ino did this.

I'd probably do the same.


	4. three

I found out pretty soon that Shikamaru and I get along much better than either of us saw coming. Being friends with both his teammates made us always around each other, not that I could complain about it anymore. The four of us usually eat out together. He doesn't even mention anything about my eating anymore. Well, to be honest, I rarely do eat when we go out. If I do, I usually just share something with Ino since she also watches her figure.

Before hanging out with the three of them, I would've never thought they got along. Ino's girly, loud, and bossy, Choji's kind and loves to eat, and Shikamaru's judgemental and lazy. In actuality, they are the perfect trio.

From the corner of my eye, I see Choji put his chopsticks down, despite there being food still on his plate. He lets out a long worried sigh, and we all have our attention on him.

"So, um," Choji begins nervously, playing with his fingers. "Y'know how everyone's getting engaged recently. First Naruto and Hinata, and now Sasuke and Sakura. Well, would it be the right time to ask Kauri?" Ino and Shikamaru seem shocked by his question, yet my expression remains still.

I've only been in this village for two weeks. I shouldn't overstep any boundaries by putting my opinion in someone else's relationship. I sink into my seat, waiting for someone to respond to him.

"You don't have to do it because everyone else is, Choji," Ino speaks up. "I mean... Sai and I are probably nowhere near that stage of our relationship. You should only ask her if you're 100% sure about being with her."

"Ino has a point. I'd probably need another year or two before popping a question like that to Temari," Shikamaru sighs.

"I pray that you don't go saying that around Temari," Ino warns him with a glint in her eye.

"I'm sure she feels the same as I do. We're both busy with our jobs. She has her life in the Sand, and I have my life in Konoha. It's not like I can ask her to drop everything and marry me," Shikamaru elaborates. Ino huffs, and I suppress a giggle. As much as I enjoy hearing them talk, this conversation has me feeling a bit like an outcast.

"Your opinion matters the most to me, Shikamaru, since we're in a similar situation," Choji admits. Shikamaru, with all the pressure suddenly on him, tenses up.

"Well, I dunno." Shikamaru shifts uncomfortably in his seat, looking down. "I'm not the right person to ask, since I've never cared much about marriage," Shikamaru admits.

A frustrated groan erupts from beside me. "You really don't realize how lucky you are, Shikamaru," Ino grumbles, leaning on her hand with a pout on her lips.

"What?" Shikamaru says defensively.

"I've been with Sai for even longer than you and Temari, but Sai won't even kiss me!" INo complains. "I thought I'd get married before the two of you, but the way things are looking now, it's unlikely. Maybe if this was about sex, I could deal with it, but my own boyfriend won't even kiss me!" Ino ranted loudly, getting half the people inside the restaurant's attention on her. Choji freezes at her last sentence.

"Do most couples who've been together for over a year... do that?" Choji asks timidly, his cheeks flushing a bright red.

"Well, I assume so," Ino replies and then turns to Shikamaru. "You've had sex, right?" Ino asks not so quietly. Shikamaru, who was drinking water, chokes on his water. 

After fighting to keep the water in for a moment, Shikamaru glares at Ino. "Dammit, Ino. You can't talk about shit like that in public," Shikamaru croaks, still fighting off coughs.

Ino groans and throws her hand over her forehead like she has a headache. "Who am I kidding asking you of all people? You'd probably give up before you even start. The only thing InoShikaCho is anymore is a bunch of virgins."

Shikamaru groans and leans forward. "Since you're so keen on knowing, we have," Shikamaru says quietly, careful not to hear anyone outside our table hear him. Shikamaru turns to Choji. "But I wouldn't say waiting a year or so is bad, Choji. Tem and I... well, we just moved fast," Shikamaru admits, leaning back again.

Ino's head hits the table. "There's no hope for me."

"Why don't you just talk to Sai?" Choji proposes. "If you just ask him to kiss you I'm sure he will."

"I want him to do it because he wants to, not me," she mopes.

"Maybe you're expecting too much from him." I chimed in, deciding this isn't something bad to butt into. I think they forgot I was here because all their faces snap to mine with shock. "You told me he was raised different and struggles understanding things we're used to. If you leave it to him then you might just suffer forever." Ino pouts but nods. 

The table goes quiet for a while. Choji seems so deep in thought that he isn't even eating. Even though it's silent, their thoughts are loud. Ino's the first to leave. Choji leaves not long afterward. All that was left was me and Shikamaru.

"That was a bit awkward," I blurt out. I haven't been alone with Shikamaru since we apologized to each other. Now, I realize I have no idea how to talk to him without other people helping out.

"Says the one who didn't have to say anything embarrassing," Shikamaru pokes.

"Nothing anyone said was embarrassing, it was just... a little awkward," I admit.

"It's embarrassing that my teammates for nearly eight years know about my sex life," he mumbles unhappily. 

"Not embarrassing for a stranger to know?" I question, referring to myself.

"C'mon, it's been two weeks since you moved here, you aren't a stranger anymore," Shikamaru says. It makes me feel a bit happy being welcomed by him of all people. "But you're gonna be gone in a couple of months, so it doesn't really affect me if you know." _Nevermind._ His words stung, but it was the reality of my situation. Even on the rare occasion that ninjas come by our village, it's almost always Hidden Mist or Rock ninja. The friendship I built with these three will disappear the moment I step outside this village.

"I guess you're right, no reason to have secrets since I'm sort of a temporary friend," I laugh.

"Then the same should apply to you, right?"

"Huh?"

"'No reason to have secrets,'" he repeats.

"Is there something you want to know?" I tilt my head to the side.

"Why do girls diet?" he questions. This is the first time he's brought it up in over a week.

"Well, it's different for everyone. I can't speak for all girls."

"Fine, why do you?"

"I was called fat for pretty much my whole life," I admit. Shikamaru nods, leaning forward. "I guess there's no like driving reason for why I do it other than I just wanted to stop hearing it. A couple of years ago, a guy from my class noticed my weight loss but told me my face was still fat. So, I guess my main goal is for my face to thin out." Shikamaru's eyes shift, looking my face up and down. I avert my eyes away, feeling my face go hot with embarrassment. 

"I hate to break it to you, but I don't know if you're face will thin out the way you want it to," he tells me bluntly. A stabbing pain pierces my chest. _He didn't have to be that frank about it._ "I wouldn't say your face is fat, though. 'Full' would probably be a better word to describe it." Both of those sound like the same thing to me. I subconsciously reach to cover my cheeks. "Oh jeez, it's not a bad thing," he groans, shaking his head.

"I have a question," I state, looking up at Shikamaru. I see his eyes are already locked with mine. I turn away. "When you said that I'm skinny a while back... do you actually think that?"

"Well... yeah it's kind of obvious. I'm sure Choji and Ino would say the same if you stopped wearing such baggy clothes."

"It was the first time I've ever heard that," I tell him. Shikamaru raises his eyebrow but drops it when he realizes I'm telling the truth.

"Who are you trying to impress by being skinny, Mira?" He narrows his eyes.

"Myself, I guess."

"People typically look better when they're not starving themselves."

"I'm not starving myself. Besides, I'm only here temporarily, this doesn't affect you," I bite back defensively.

He sighs and sits up. "Yeah, you're right. I won't meddle anymore."

"Thanks," I whisper.

"It's getting late, let's pay," Shikamaru yawns as he goes up to the counter. I followed after him, pulling out my wallet to pay. 

After paying, Shikamaru and I walked until the end of the street. "My house is left so, I'll see ya." He did a weak wave and turned around. I walked myself home and looked in the mirror the second I got inside. 

I ate a bit more than usual today, but Shikamaru's words changed my view on my body. For the first time, I see a skinny girl in the mirror. Her legs are thin and fragile and her waist is small. This is me. This is the body I've worked to get for the past few years.

I decide to hold down my meal for the night, I owe Shikamaru that much.

—

"Ugh!" Ino growls when I walk into the flower shop the next day. "You and I are having a girl's day!" She throws her gloves on the table. "Damn that Shikamaru and his happy and cute relationship," she curses.

"What are you talking about?" I bite back a giggle at Ino's frustration.

"I went to say goodbye to Sai before he left for his mission, but _of course_ , Temari strolls on in," Ino shouts. It's mean, but watching her throw tantrums over the smallest things have been my main source of entertainment this past week.

"Shikamaru's girlfriend is visiting?" I inquire.

"It's supposed to be for a short report to Kakashi but I'm sure she'll stay longer because that's what couples do," Ino pouts. "Sai didn't even hug me goodbye, meanwhile Shikamaru and Temari are probably banging it out at his house." I cringe at her statement.

"That's something I could've lived my whole life never hearing," I laugh. Ino began to giggle.

"Yeah, me too, sorry," she chuckles. "God, whoever thought I'd be jealous of Shikamaru? That lazy arrogant prick!" I smile to myself listening to Ino rant as we begin our usual morning work. This woman will find anything on earth to complain about. It's a talent.

It was a slow process getting her to mellow out, but it all fused back up when Shikamaru steps in an hour later with a beautiful woman attached to his waist. Ino hit her head against the counter and let out a yell of frustration. I was too busy ogling at the pretty woman in front of me to pay much attention.

"You said you wanted to meet her," Shikamaru smirks, nudging his girlfriend forward. She's stunning. She keeps her dirty blonde hair in two pigtails, something I never thought would look good on an adult woman until now. Saying I was envious of her would be an understatement. Her teal eyes lock with mine and I break from my trance.

I step away from the counter and closer to her, getting a closer view of her face. Her skin looks soft to the touch. Some god must've handcrafted her carefully. Even the shape of her body is flawless, like a perfect hourglass. 

"You're name's Temari, right? You're so beautiful," I blurt out. Her cheeks turn red.

"Oh, thank you," she grins softly.

"I'm Mira, by the way. I'm glad I finally get to meet you." My lips can't stop moving. No matter how hard I try, the words don't stop spilling from my mouth. "Wow, I'm just... You're so gorgeous." Ino then slaps the top of my head.

"Chill out, Mira. I'm starting to feel ugly," she huffs. Temari giggles, covering her mouth.

"Ah, I'm sorry," I mumble, taking a step back to give Temari her space back. The last thing I'd want to do is make my friend's girlfriend uncomfortable, but the way things are going, I'm not doing so well.

I look behind Temari and Shikamaru is scratching the back of his neck anxiously. I notice a small bruise on the left side of Shikamaru's neck. I lean over to Ino and whisper, "I guess you weren't wrong." Ino examines both of them until her eyes land on Shikamaru's neck. She narrows her eyes and I can tell she's feeling jealous. I am too if I'm honest, even though I'm not in the same situation as Ino.

"Alright, I can't stand to see you two any longer. Go on a date or something." Ino shoos them out of the shop. I don't get the chance to say goodbye before Ino pushes them outside.

"When does Sai get back?" I ask after going back to my normal self.

"Less than a week hopefully," Ino tells me and bites her lip anxiously. "I actually thought about what you guys said, so I'm gonna talk to him about it. I just thought you should know." Ino turns around and starts resorting pots she had already sorted earlier.

"Good luck," I smile, and she smiles back.

"I'll need all the luck I can get."

—

Ino and I didn't see Temari or Shikamaru until we got off. Shikamaru was walking Temari to the front gate to see her off and invited Ino and me to come along. 

"It was so nice to meet you," I tell her, scared that I weirded her out earlier. "I wanted to thank you for the thing you told Shikamaru a couple of weeks ago, y'know, about him bothering me about-"

"Oh, that's why I recognized your name!" she laughs, showing off her perfectly straight white teeth. _She really has everything._ "It's no problem, I hope I was of some sort of help." She shifts to the side to stand in front of Shikamaru, looking up at him. Temari's taller than me but compared to Shikamaru she looks small. "Well, I guess I'm going," she says, looking at him expectantly.

"Alright," he replies. 

Temari's eyes narrow at him. Shikamaru's face remains expressionless and his hands slide into his pockets. Temari turns around and takes three steps before she stops and turns around to look at Shikamaru. Once their eyes lock, Temari stomps up and slaps Shikamaru on the back of the head. My eyes widen and I look to Ino for an answer but she seems like she's used to seeing this.

"Dammit, woman!" Shikamaru rubs the back of his head.

"Too good to kiss your girlfriend goodbye?" she scolds, crossing her arms. Shikamaru sighs and takes a step towards her, not removing his hands from his pockets.

"You're such a drag." He leans in and their lips touch briefly. I hear Ino sigh, not hiding her envy. I can't blame her, but I can't say I'm envious. I'm curious. I wonder what being kissed feels like. Why do people seem to like it so much? I don't see what could be so appealing about lips touching. Yet, the simple action makes Temari smile as she turns around and walks away.

"See ya!" She waves to all three of us. I'm the only one who waves back. Once she's out of view, Shikamaru turns to Ino and me.

"I'm tired, I'm going home," he yawns.

"Temari really wore you out earlier, huh?" Ino says suggestively. 

Shikamaru grimaces. "If you're not getting any, take it out on your boyfriend, not me," he sasses before walking away. Ino growls.

"I would if I could!" Ino calls out to him, not having a care in the world who heard her.

With Ino's boyfriend gone and having another couple 'rub their relationship in her face' all day, Ino felt lonely and invited herself to stay the night at my apartment. Ino keeps trying to talk to me, but no matter how hard I try I continue to space out, thinking about what it might be like to kiss.

"Does kissing feel good?" I say, not knowing in the slightest what Ino was talking about before.

"Why're you asking?" Ino tilts her head to get a better look at me.

"I don't know, it just doesn't make sense to me. If it's just your lips touching, how can it feel any better than touching someone normally?" I admit.

"Of course it feels nice, but I don't know why it does. You'd have to find out for yourself," Ino shares.

I wrap my arms around my knees, curling myself into a ball. "I'm starting to get jealous of you three," I confess. "It'd be a miracle if someone ever liked me."

"What are you talking about? That's not true!" Ino boosts. "You're super pretty and a great listener, I'm sure there's plenty of boys out there who'd jump at the idea of going on a date with you," Ino praises, while a blush spreads across my face.

"You're exaggerating, guys hated me in school," I tell her.

"C'mon, that was forever ago! There had to be some cute boys in your village, right?" 

"I never paid attention to the guys there." I tug at my sleeves, feeling Ino's expectant blue eyes staring at me. "Everyone at school thought I was ugly. I'm sure they haven't changed."

Ino sits up on the bed, holding her hand over her heart. "I'm gonna make sure you have a date with someone before you leave!" she announces confidently.

"Good luck with that," I chuckle and she throws a pillow at me.

"I'm serious!" she exclaims. "If I can't have a good relationship, I'll live vicariously through yours."

"Whatever you say Ino, I'm going to sleep." I tuck myself under the blanket and hear Ino huff as she crawls underneath with me. 

I'm not excited for when the time comes that I have to leave. I built a solid friendship with Ino here and in a couple of months, I'll be forced to throw it all away. Does she think the same, or is she okay with me leaving? Shikamaru has already accepted it, which I expected. But what about Ino? Will she care when I'm gone?


	5. four

"You two think Mira's pretty, right?" Ino put forth randomly. We're all sitting in my living room. Ino got bored pretty quickly and told me she'd be back soon, and when she came back, Shikamaru and Choji were behind her. 

Choji and Shikamaru freeze and look at each other. Choji turns and looks back at Ino. "You do realize you're asking two guys with girlfriends? Wouldn't it be better to ask someone like Kiba?" Choji says uncomfortably.

"I'm not asking if you're attracted to her! Is she generally a good-looking girl?" Ino rephrases. My face heats up in embarrassment. I'd literally rather be anywhere but here right now. "I'm trying to get her a date before she leaves, so I need to make sure guys find her just as pretty as I do." 

Choji hesitates. "She is," Choji finally voices. "Still, it's an awkward thing to ask." When Ino's satisfied with Choji's answer, she turns her head expectantly at Shikamaru.

"Leave me out of this," he declares. "Temari's probably attached a microphone to my clothes."

"You're so overdramatic, Shikamaru." Ino rolls her eyes but then looks at me with a smile. "See? Loads of guys probably think you're pretty, even guys from your old school!" She grabs my hands.

"I honestly don't think Choji has the heart to say I'm ugly if he thinks I am." I laugh, and Shikamaru also chuckles. It's pretty rare that he actually laughs. Any of us are lucky to manage to make him smirk.

"She has a point. Choji couldn't even be mean to her if he tried," Shikamaru adds.

"Ugh! You and Mira are so annoying," Ino growls.

"Man, I'm hungry. Do you have anything to eat?" Choji asks. My body seizes.

"I don't know if you'll like anything I have," I tell him.

"Make something for yourself and the rest of us and we can all try it!" Choji suggests. I nervously nod, going to the kitchen. I take six pieces of bread out of the bag and put half of them in the toaster oven, and start to prepare salads. I sense a figure behind me when I'm chopping the lettuce. I look over my shoulder and see Shikamaru watching me cut the lettuce.

"Are you interested in how _vegans_ prepare meals?" I joke, portioning the lettuce for each person. I've been watching them eat every time we go to dinner, so I have a decent idea of how much they can eat. Choji gets the most, then Shikamaru, then Ino, then me.

"That's barely anything," he gapes.

"I'm eating bread too," I pipe up. "I normally just eat salad."

"That's an improvement, I guess." I try to smile at him but something prevents me. Is it an improvement? I'm probably gaining weight just by making this much food. Do I want to eat more? I've been holding down my meals recently, so I know eating this is a mistake. 

I'm shaken out of my thoughts when Shikamaru says, "Do you need any help?" As if on cue, the toaster oven beeps. I take the bread out and set it on my counter, putting three more pieces of bread in the toaster. I open my fridge and grab a container of plant-based butter, setting it in front of him. 

"Put this on the toast," I instruct. He hums in response and I hand him a butter knife. I put vegetables and dressing on the salad, and it's ready. I turn to Shikamaru and he's on the last slice of bread. I notice he put much more than I usually would on my own. I do my best not to think about it. 

Looking up at him, I realize just how much taller he is than me. I'm only 5'3 so I'm a little bit short, but being next to him makes me feel way smaller. Choji's a little taller than Shikamaru, so perhaps this village just makes their men tall. Most of the guys back home were pretty short, except for the one guy in my class in my third year. _He was practically a giant._

I put two slices of bread on Choji's and Shikamaru's plate and one for Ino and me. Shikamaru takes his and Choji's plate to the living room, and I follow him with mine and Ino's. Choji and Ino do a quick prayer and start eating.

"It's not half bad," Choji says, muffled by the bread in his mouth. I grin and continue to slowly eat my bread. Choji starts on the salad once he's done with the bread. "This dressing is different," he examines.

"She's _vegan_ , remember?" Shikamaru smirks.

I roll my eyes and finish my toast, starting on my salad. Everyone finishes before me, but what's surprising is that I finish too. It's been a while since I've eaten a whole plate of food. I feel partially disgusted with myself. Scratch that, I feel very disgusted with myself. 

I clean up everyone's plates and sulk in the kitchen for a few minutes. Not long after I return, everyone has to leave to go to their jobs. Choji is being assigned a mission today and Ino has to leave to do a short mission outside of the village. I'm not sure what Shikamaru has to do, but I'm sure it was of some importance.

Ino and Choji leave quickly, but Shikamaru waits for them to leave first. "I know I said I wouldn't meddle in your eating habits," he starts. "But I'm glad that you finished your plate today." He looks away and scratches the back of his neck.

"Oh," I am unsure of how to respond to something like that. How is he happy while I'm wallowing in guilt? We say a quick and awkward goodbye and he's gone. I'd feel guilty if I threw up the whole meal after Shikamaru just said he was glad I finished it. I decide I'll hold this meal down too.

—

A week passes by without any success for Ino, in her love life or my own. Even after Sai returned, Ino didn't know how to approach him to have the conversation. After meeting Sai when he came into work, I could see what she meant by him being complicated but I think overall it was Ino's anxiety about it getting in the way. Working at the flower shop paid well, but I feel like the extra pay was for having to constantly listen to Ino's ramblings. The only time I got a break was when she went on missions. Thankfully, I have a half-day today.

Ino is in the middle of complaining about God knows what when the clock hits one. "Sorry, I can't stay any longer, I'll talk to you later!" I rush, taking off my apron. Ino gives me a halfhearted wave as I leave. 

I'm going grocery shopping again today but _this time_ I'm not going to buy as much. I pick up all the usual stuff, and I'm about to leave until I spot a box with a scale on it. I grin to myself and grab the box to check it out with the rest of my purchases. I don't bother checking the price. I just pay and leave, excited to see my weight loss. It's been about a month and a half now. I should be in the low 90's right? 

When I get home I put everything where it needs to be, saving the best thing for last. The second I'm finished I tear the box open and put the scale on the floor. Oh god, I need batteries don't I? I dig through some drawers until I find two double-A batteries. I put them in and flip the scale over to weigh myself. I step on... waiting... and waiting... ah!

No, that can't be right. Maybe I need to go to the bathroom. I quickly pee and return to find my weight didn't change at all. No, this can't be right. I step off and step on again four more times before reality hits me. 

102 pounds. I've... gained weight. I grab my stomach and push it in like that will change the number. This scale must be broken right? No, it's brand new, it shouldn't be. Water begins to spill past my cheeks. My crying turns into sobbing. God, my face is gonna get so puffy. It's just going to look fatter and fatter.

I start slamming my fists against my legs, punishing myself for eating so goddamn much. Whose fault is this? Shikamaru's again? No, this is 100% my fault. I could've restricted more. I could've thrown up all my meals. I did this to myself and now I'm facing the consequences. How dare I use Shikamaru as an excuse to be selfish and keep my meals down. I'm the disgusting one here. I don't deserve anything.

I run to the bathroom and run cold water. Cold baths burn calories. I'll just take a cold bath every single day from now on. It wasn't my favorite, but it needed to be done. I strip off all my clothes and stare at myself in the mirror. I no longer see a skinny girl like Shikamaru made me believe I was. I'm huge. I got too comfortable. The only thing small about me anymore is my breasts.

I submerge my body into the freezing cold water. If I stay this way overnight, perhaps I'll be back to normal in the morning. I try to get comfortable in the cold water, but it's impossible. _Distract yourself, Mira. Think of something, anything._ I close my eyes and images of Ino, Shikamaru, Choji and I eating together flash through my mind. Eating? I add another bruise to my leg. Selfish bitch, is eating all you can think of?

Hours after trying to get myself to doze off in the tub, I hear a knock at my front door. _Goddammit, Ino probably got off work._ I groan, rising from the tub, being bombarded by warm welcoming air. _I'll just tell her I don't feel well today._ I wrap a towel around my body and go to the front door. I open it to see the chest of a guy much taller than me. God fucking dammit. Shikamaru looks down at me and quickly looks away.

"Oh man," Shikamaru groans. "Ino told me to come and get you if you're up to it," he mumbles.

"I don't feel well," I murmur quickly, keeping my eyes on the ground. A warm hand falls on my forehead.

"You're freezing, do you need to go to the hospital?" he worries, and I force a small laugh out.

"No, I was taking a cold bath," I confess as Shikamaru's thumb grazes underneath my eye. My grey eyes bolt to his brown ones. When I don't respond, Shikamaru slowly pushes the door open, letting himself in.

For a brief moment, Shikamaru's eyes flash down, scanning my body before he looks away. "Sorry, I was just surprised by how thin you are," he explains honestly. "Go get dressed, I'll wait out here." I turn around to go to my bedroom and rummage through my drawers, grabbing what I need and changing in the bathroom. I emerge back out in shorts and a hoodie.

Shikamaru's sitting at the foot of my couch, so I sit on the side farthest from him. It's not that I dislike him, but I'm still not close to him like I am Ino. Being close to him seems invasive of his space.

"I figured if there's something wrong, you wouldn't wanna talk about it right there," he says, rubbing his hands together. "You didn't make yourself throw up, did you?" he asks for confirmation. I shake my head and he hums in response. "Yeah, I figured. What's wrong?" He looks at me and leans forward, ready to listen.

There's a good chance what I'm upset about isn't going to make sense to him. It barely makes sense to me, yet something I completely understand. Shikamaru stares at me waiting for an explanation. I sigh and give in.

"I bought a scale," I whisper, feeling my chest tightening. Thinking about that triple-digit number makes my heart feel like it's being squeezed.

"Did you gain weight?" Shikamaru says the words so easily, words I can't bear to hear. 

Wet drops hit my knees. _Dammit, not again._ Tears fall down my cheeks and I quickly bury my face into my hands, not wanting Shikamaru to see. The last thing I see before my vision is blocked is the slightly panicked expression on Shikamaru's face.

"How much?" he asks a bit more carefully this time.

"Four pounds," I reluctantly confess. It's not something I want people knowing, but it's like all my thoughts want to be spilled on the table right now. "I was so stupid for eating out. I was so stupid for eating more. I was so stupid for holding my meals down because of you. I'm so stupid. I'm an idiot."

"Because of me?" Shikamaru repeats, reasonably shocked. "You weren't throwing up meals because of me?"

"Sorta. You seemed like you were proud of yourself or something when I ate, and I didn't want to make you unhappy," I admit.

"Why would I be proud of myself?" His voice moves closer to me.

"Maybe I just made it up but-"

"Let me rephrase," he interrupts. "Why would I be proud of myself for something _you're_ doing?" 

"I don't know," I shrug.

"You were wrong," Shikamaru tells me. I look up only to see him only a few feet away from me. "I..." he pauses, trying hard to find the right words to say. "I was proud of you, I suppose," he mutters, averting his gaze. The words make my heartbeat pound inside my chest. "When I walked in, I thought you might've lost weight. It's good to know that I was wrong." His gaze falls down to my legs, where his eyes widen. "What the hell did you do to your legs?"

I look down, noticing the blue and purple colors beginning to form on my legs. I didn't know I was punching myself that hard, but I must've been because they're pretty bad.

"I got angry at myself," I laugh through my tears.

"Jeez, what a drag," he sighs. "I gotta go before Ino notices, so I'll tell her you don't feel well. Go get some rest." He stands up and slips his hands in his pockets. He takes a few steps before he stops again to say something. "Next time, don't beat yourself up so much over it. Ino and I are always there if you need anything." Before he finishes, I start shaking my head violently.

"I don't want anyone else knowing about this," I state, "especially not Choji or Ino." Shikamaru lets out an exasperated sigh.

"Damn, women are so complicated. Give me a pen and paper," Shikamaru complains. I fumble around looking for a pen or paper, but I'm unlucky in my search.

"I can only find a marker."

"That's fine too, hand it over," Shikamaru says, taking the black marker out of my hand. Before I retreat my arm back to my side, Shikamaru catches it, facing the front of my forearm to him. Shikamaru puts the cap between his teeth and takes out the marker and begins to write on my arm. I watched carefully, surprised at his neat handwriting.

He finishes writing and lets my arm go, but I don't let it fall. I turn it to me and read it. It's a street name and number.

"That's my address if you need something." I never would've expected Shikamaru to be a nice guy. Maybe it's due to his lazy attitude, but he doesn't seem like the type to care about other people. Sure, he's annoying and rude, but all in all, he's a good friend.

Without thinking, I wrap my arms around Shikamaru's waist. His whole body stiffens for a moment. I could practically feel his hands hovering over my body, careful not to touch me. The top of my head meets right at his chin. Slowly, his hand rests on the top of my head.

"I'm proud of you for gaining weight, even if it wasn't on purpose," he murmurs like he was scared to say it any louder. Using his hand that's still on top of my head, he pushes me back. "I'll see ya later," he smirks while ruffling my hair.

I frown at him, swatting his hand away and fixing my hair. "Don't do that. I'm eighteen, not twelve," I huff.

"I'm older than you, so that has its privileges doesn't it?" he attempts to brag.

"No, it doesn't. Plus, you're not even that much older," I grumble, pressing my lips together.

"Whatever, since we're on the topic, Choji's birthday is next Thursday, so don't forget," Shikamaru opens the door and steps out.

"Like I'm stupid enough to do that," I rebuke grumpily and I hear him suppress a laugh as he walks down the hallway. I close the door when he's out of sight.

I tug at the strings on my hoodie nervously, back to my anxious self. I've never been so open with someone before. I even had a hard time talking to my mom when I was getting bullied in school. But for some reason, when Shikamaru asked, I couldn't help but spill everything I was thinking. He probably could've asked me anything and I would've answered. 

What stood out to me the most was Shikamaru telling me he was proud of me. I haven't heard those words since Mom was still alive and healthy. 

My heart throbbed, triggering water to spill from my eyes. I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want to disappoint Ino or Choji. I don't want to disappoint my mom. I don't want to disappoint the people I care about.

Maybe... eating isn't that bad after all.


	6. five

For the first time in god knows how long, I ate breakfast. It's not like it was anything big. It was just a slice of toast. It was still enough to make my insecurities set in once I got to work and saw Ino's body. I can feel the bread in my stomach want to come up, but I force myself to hold it down. 

I go to the back, grabbing my apron, and doing my usual work beside Ino. She's unusually quiet today, not even greeting me when I stand next to her. Ino _never_ has something not to talk about. I look down at her eyes, noticing her bright blue eyes look dull.

"Is everything alright?" I ask, placing my hand on her shoulder to turn her to face me. She doesn't budge and leans over the counter, burying her face in her arms. 

"Sai went on a mission today, and I didn't know until he was already gone," she mopes. "We still haven't talked or anything, and it looks like we aren't going to for weeks." I try to sympathize with her and comfort her but it results in more moping on her end. I can't say I understand what she's feeling, but I think I'd also be upset if my partner left without a word. 

Ino eventually pulls herself out of her depression and work flows for the rest of the day as usual. It's almost time for it to close when a familiar face comes in. I recognize him as the boy my age that came to the village with our group. I couldn't remember his name, but I knew his face. He was in my class in my third year. I pretend like I'm doing something more important so Ino can deal with him.

"Is there anything you're looking for?" Ino squeaks in her customer service voice.

"No, just looking around," he mumbles, peering at the range of flowers.

"Could you water the flowers outside?" Ino says to me, realizing I'm not doing anything. When I look at her she has an annoyed glint in her eye, knowing that I avoided the customer.

I walk out the front door and start spraying the plants with water, taking more time than necessary. Before I go back inside, the boy comes out. I keep my head down and wait for him to leave. I watch as his feet slowly make their way towards me.

"You look familiar," he states. _How do I look familiar when you can't see my face?_ I think, keeping my eyes on my feet. "Did we go to school together?" I look up at him, immediately recognizing him as the tallest guy in my third-year class. He was friends with the boys who made fun of me the most, but I can't recall if he ever joined them or not.

"Uh, I- I don't know," I stammer.

"Your name is Mira Tanaka, isn't it?"He's got me. I nod. "Woah, you look totally different," he says, astonished. He bends his knees to get a better look at my face. I feel my body seize up. "You've lost weight, haven't you?" I feel my ears go hot and I nod once again. "I never got a good look at you back then. You're pretty cute," he compliments. My face feels like it could literally burst into flames at any moment.

I shoot my eyes over to the shop, seeing Ino's eyes staring back at me. "I gotta go back, see ya," I mumble fast. I quickly walk away and hide inside the break room until I'm certain he's gone. I decide not to tell Ino what happened because I knew she would try to turn it into a romance novel.

—

His visits didn't end there, though. In fact, they became daily, and of course, Ino caught on to it. It was her who reminded me of his name. Touma Satou. I was trying to avoid him as much as I possibly could at work, but Ino liked to talk to him about me. Now, all she does is push me to go on a date with him, but it's hard for me to ignore all the bad things I associate with him. I'm not in any desperate need to be in a relationship anyway. I'm curious, but that's about as far as it goes. I told Ino to drop it, which she's already doing a terrible job of.

"...she keeps avoiding him and it's pissing me off!" Ino yells in a half-drunk rampage about my love life at Choji's birthday dinner. Choji's parents are away for some reason, so Choji invited us over. Since Choji's of legal drinking age now, he bought alcohol. Ino and Choji partook, but Shikamaru and I stayed out of it. "He's so handsome and tall," Ino swoons. 

"If you think he's so hot, then you go after him," I jest.

"I would if I was single!" Ino fumes. Shikamaru seems completely uninterested in the conversation. His head is resting on the table and I assume he's trying to take a nap. It'd be a miracle to fall asleep with Ino rambling though.

I just finally finished my food but didn't get any sort of reaction from Shikamaru, which was a bit of a letdown, but I shouldn't expect much from him. I wonder if he notices that I'm trying to get better. That I'm trying to eat again.

"Why not try?" Choji suggests, feeding into Ino's argument. "You can go on a date with him, and if you don't like him you don't have to see him again."

"Yeah!" Ino agrees loudly. "C'mon just one date, for me! For your dear friend Ino!" Ino pleads, grasping tightly on to my hands. _Does it really matter to her so much?_

"If _he_ asks me out, then fine, I will," I finalize. Ino pouts and violently shakes our hands that she still has a strong grip on.

"That's impossible! You always avoid him when he comes in," Ino roars, her red face turning redder. Somehow, that's the thing that shakes Shikamaru back awake. He rolls his head to the side, eyes flashing between me and Ino. 

"C'mon Ino, let's get you home," Shikamaru yawns. _Shikamaru, you're my savior._ Shikamaru comes around, pulling Ino's hand over his shoulder to lift her up. I thought he might've been overreacting to how drunk Ino is until I saw her stumbling even with his help.

I turn to face Choji since being here any longer would be awkward, but I find him passed out snoring on the ground. I stand up and follow after Shikamaru and Ino, assuming saying goodbye to Choji isn't necessary. 

"Should we really just leave Choji there?" I ask, feeling a bit bad for leaving him on the floor of his dining room.

"Do you think you can pick him up?" Shikamaru smirks.

"You could jus' use your shadow possession on him!" Ino slurs. _I don't know if that sounds scary or cool._

"What's that?" I inquire.

"A jutsu I use. I stretch my shadow and the person I use it on can't move by their own free will, but they'll mimic my movements," he explains nonchalantly like it's no big deal. I don't even bother wondering how the hell you 'stretch a shadow.'

"What? Are you serious?" Shikamaru side-eyes me and I assume he wasn't joking. "That's insane, can all ninjas do stuff like that?"

"Well, my family specializes in shadow possession, Ino's is in mind transfer, and Choji's in expansion." Ino stumbles and I hook myself under her left side to help Shikamaru. "That's really just our families though, some are taught them by other ninjas."

"Being a ninja must be pretty cool," I express.

Shikamaru grins. "It's a bit of a drag, but yeah, it's kinda cool." When we reach the corner of the road, Shikamaru stops. "Ino's house is down here, I got it from here," he tells me. I unwrap Ino's arm from around me and wave to both of them as I leave. Shikamaru nods and Ino attempts a poor excuse of a wave.

The moment my apartments come into view, I recognize the abnormally tall figure of a man. I already have a feeling of who it is, but ignore it until I'm close enough to confirm that it is Touma. I pray that he doesn't notice me. I'm almost to the entrance when he calls out my name.

"Mira! Wait up!" I stop in my tracks and turn around to face the six-foot-something guy in front of me. He has to be a foot taller than me at least. "I haven't gotten to talk to you alone since the first day we talked. You're always busy or with your friend."

"Well... yeah, we work together."

"Yeah, yeah, of course. I guess I just didn't want to be rejected in front of someone," he laughs.

"Rejected?" I repeat, immediately regretting my promise to Ino from earlier.

"Well, I want to take you out on a date," he beams. "You've gotten way cuter since high school." I already promised Ino that if he asked me out I'd say yes. I don't want to disappoint her. Touma isn't bad looking, so how bad could it be? Tall and handsome. Probably the ideal man for lots of girls. I mean, like Choji said, if I don't like him I don't have to see him again.

"We... can go on a date," I mumble under my breath. I kind of hope Touma doesn't hear me, but his face goes into a big grin.

"For real? Are you free tomorrow?" I nod in response. "Alright! Meet me here at one."

"Okay." I go inside, leaving Touma behind. Eighteen years old and I'm just now going on my first date. That's gotta be embarrassing. 

I go inside and go up the stairs to my floor. I unlock my door and go inside. Looking to my right, I see the scale, practically begging for me to step on it. I harshly turn away and flop onto my bed. I haven't weighed myself since that day. A part of me is terrified to see the numbers grow, but on the other hand, I'm excited. I think I'm gonna invite Shikamaru over when I do weigh myself, just in case anything goes wrong.

Every time I took a bite of food, I looked up at Shikamaru, hoping to get a glimpse of him being proud of me. I didn't want to disappoint him. Maybe when it's all done I can tell Ino and Choji about it and they can be proud of me too. I know I only have a few more months left with them, but they're the only real friends I've had. If it were up to me, I would stay here.

I'm scared that without them, I'll have no one to make proud.


	7. six

How exactly are these things supposed to work? What should I wear? What am I supposed to talk about? All of this is foreign to me. He didn't even tell me what we're doing or where we're going. It's almost summer, so it's getting warmer, but I don't like to wear anything that shows my body. I have no clue what I'm doing, and I have less than an hour to meet with him.

After procrastinating for half an hour, I leave in my usual clothes, along with my usual makeup. On the way downstairs, I hear heavy footsteps behind me. I turn around and see Touma, who hasn't noticed me yet. It's no surprise running into him here since all of us were given an apartment in the same complex.

"Hey, Mira! Ready to head out?" Touma smiles when he sees me looking back at him. I smile and nod. "Let's head out." I follow him out of the complex. 

I was overthinking everything so much that I forgot to eat breakfast. A part of me hopes that he takes us somewhere to eat, but the other part of me wants the exact opposite. I feel slight relief when the first place we go to is a park. No one's around right now so it's just us. We approach a bench, and Touma motions for me to sit first. I sit down and Touma sits across from me.

"I wanna get to know you since we didn't get the chance in high school." Our eyes meet, and I look away. On paper, Touma is very attractive. His dark hair and eyes go well with his tan skin. "Tell me about your interests."

I play with my thumbs under the table. "Ah, there's not much. I like manga right now. I tend to get bored of things pretty easily so my interests don't last long," I laugh nervously. "What about you?" Touma goes on for a bit about working out and his job back home and I listen intently. It's nice hearing him talk passionately about the things he likes. We talk for a while about random things. Even high school. I never thought it would be this nice to just listen to someone.

"You got bullied a lot in high school right?" Touma asks me. I divert my eyes and nod slowly. Touma smiles. "I bet they'd feel pretty stupid if they saw you now, wouldn't they?" he chuckles.

"Well, one of them noticed, but he wasn't exactly nice about it," I fake a laugh. "How can you tell I've lost weight, though? I usually wear pretty baggy clothes."

He takes my hand in his, and my face flushes. He pulls down my sleeve halfway down my forearm. "Your wrists and hands are slim, and your face has thinned out." I feel my entire face go red.

"R-really?" I stutter, completely shocked by what he said. "I thought my face was still fat."

"No, it's definitely thinned out," he grins. His hand slides up my arm and comes up to my face and touches it. His thumb rubs across my cheek. "You're blushing," he smirks.

I divert my eyes once again. "No one's told me that before," I admit. 

"Well, people aren't looking at you like I do," he flatters, taking his hand away. My blush spreads across my entire body and I feel as if I'm on fire.

We spend the rest of the day talking until the sun went down. We talked about everything under the sun. He asked me how I lost weight, and I avert the question smoothly. When it was starting to get dark, the date came to an end.

As we got up to leave, Touma spoke again. "I had fun, let's do it again soon." _Well, I can't say I didn't enjoy it. I wouldn't mind a second date._

"Yeah, that sounds good," I grin. Before we're out, I spot a familiar figure turn to walk in. I make eye contact with Shikamaru. He looks tired and I'm not sure if I should approach him. While in my thoughts, Shikamaru subtly waves at me. I do a small wave back. Touma's hand meets mine and he slowly intertwines our fingers. His hands were rough, like someone who works a lot. I hold as lightly as possible. 

Maybe it's because I'm new to this, but Touma taking my hand made me feel anxious. We've only really gotten to know each other today, so isn't this moving too fast? Oh god, is he going to try to kiss me? He wouldn't move that quickly, would he? Letting myself fall into a small panic, my body seizes and I unintentionally let go of his hand. He looks down at me with confused eyes.

"I..." I trail off, trying to come up with an excuse. "I just remembered I need to go to Ino's, I'm sorry," I turn around to leave but then realize it would be rude to leave it like this. "Um, my apartment number is 214 if you... wanna do this again," I start to walk away until a hand catches me by the wrist and pulls me back. Dry lips brush against my cheek. _This is overwhelming! I need to go literally anywhere else!_ I force out a nervous laugh and walk away as quickly as possible.

I have no clue where I'm going, considering I was lying to him. Going home isn't an option now, because he'll probably be going that way. My breath quickens as I stress myself out, trying to think of where I need to go to get away from here. My brain continues to work on overdrive until a hand grabs my wrist. I spin around and Choji's standing in front of me.

"Hey, are you okay? I said hi but you didn't say anything." He lets go of my wrist.

"Sorry, I was just thinking a lot." I begin to turn around to leave since Touma was still in view, but I remember something. "Do you know Ino's address?" 

—

God bless Choji Akimichi! Thanks to Choji's help, I'm on my way to Ino's. All three of them live decently close to each other, so it wasn't too hard to find. Her house was painted white, which stood out compared to the wooden homes around hers. 

Unfortunately, when I arrive, she isn't home. I wait for a while before I see her familiar blonde hair walk up her street. I raise my head and she jumps back when she sees me.

"Christ, Mira!" she gasps. "You scared me!" I send her an apologetic smile. She sighs and brings me inside and motions for me to sit on the couch. She sits beside me, looking at me expectantly.

"So... you're here for a reason..." she says. With a long sigh, I tell her all about the events of today. Going on a date with Touma, talking for hours, freaking out at the end, and being kissed on the cheek. Ino looks both happy and madly jealous at the same time. I could understand why. Sai would be coming back soon, but Ino was starting to become desperate. 

"Why'd you run away?" She grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. "You could've _kissed_ him!"

"I got scared," I countered. "I don't want things moving too quickly." Ino collapses on the floor.

"You're a wuss," she deadpans.

I don't stick around Ino's for too long, leaving after an hour of talking. Most of it consisted of her complaining, but she managed to sneak in a few jabs about my date earlier. Thankfully, Touma isn't outside like he was yesterday. I can just walk into my home, avoid my scale, and sleep off today's stress. I don't bother eating. I'm too tired.

—

I don't get much time to think in the morning because Touma's knocks wake me up from me sleep. I open the door for him, sure I probably look like a mess, but too tired to bother caring. He looks nice, making me feel a bit embarrassed. His short brown hair was neat and his clothes were no different. 

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" he asks with a concerned expression. I nod with a yawn, and he laughs nervously. His eyes trail down and his hand reaches up to skim my bare arm. I didn't think about putting on a sweatshirt before answering the door, so I'm only wearing my t-shirt and sweats. I look up, assuming he'd have the same expression Shizune and Shikamaru wore when they saw my arms, but he didn't. He looked like he adored them.

"So pretty," he whispers so quietly that I'm not sure if he's talking to me or himself. His fingers trace the bone protruding from my elbow. My ears go hot.

"Sorry if they're too thin," I mumble. "I'm trying to gain weight."

"Gain weight? Didn't you work this hard to lose weight?" he asks. I know he doesn't know my situation, but it still stings a bit to hear him say it. 

"Well, it's kinda personal but a friend of mine wants me to gain weight because I'm not... healthy, I guess," I explain vaguely. Telling him about my eating would probably be a big red flag for him, right? Ino got me this so I don't want to screw it up.

"I mean... alright," he shrugs, taking his hand away. "I wanted to ask if you wanted to go on another date, but if you're too tired I can go." 

"This soon?" I realize that must've been rude and cover my mouth. "Sorry, I've just never really done this before," I apologize.

Instead of being offended, he laughs. "No, you're right. I just really like you," he smiles. I feel a familiar heat creep onto my cheeks and he chuckles. "So is that a no?" I shake my head and brush my bangs out of my face. 

"I'll get ready. Wait for me downstairs, okay?" I look up at him hopefully and he flashes me a smile and nods, turning away to head down the stairs. I close the door behind him and head over to the mirror to straighten out my hair as much as I can. 

My black hair, which was usually straight, was a bit wavy from sleep. I comb through my hair with my fingers so my hair doesn't frizz as much. When it's somewhat decent, I throw on some clothes and look myself in the mirror once more. I decided to put on a t-shirt this time since there was no use in hiding it from him anymore. It's getting warmer outside anyway.

Still staring at myself in the mirror, I run my hand across my arm the same way Touma did. _Does he actually like my arms?_ I shake the thought out of my head before I can dwell on it and rush out the door and down the stairs. 

When he hears me coming down he turns around and looks me up and down. His eyes fall back on mine. "You look great," he compliments, to which I return a small smile. He leads me outside and I realize by the sun and heat it's probably afternoon. Heat twinges my cheeks in embarrassment. _Guess I slept in again today too..._

The light from the sun makes me dizzy and I remember the emptiness in my stomach. I haven't eaten. I didn't even have breakfast yesterday. I tug at Touma's sleeve to get his attention and he turns to me.

"I haven't eaten breakfast, so could I stop by a store real quick and buy a quick snack?" I ask, looking up at him expecting to see the usual friendly smile on his face. Instead, he looks conflicted.

"Snacks like that aren't good for your health," he tells me, frowning.

"Oh, sorry. How about a restaurant then?" I push a bit more hopefully.

"I've already eaten today, so it would look weird if you're the only one eating," he hesitates, scratching the back of his head. He looks uncomfortable so I decide to drop it before I upset him too much.

"Don't worry about it, maybe later," I laugh it off and motion for him to walk again. I follow by his side and his hand skims mine. I look down at our hands and then back up to his face, seeing his dark eyes looking right back at me. His hand slips over mine and I take the hint and interlock our fingers. It's not a feeling I'm familiar with. I can't say that I like it either.

While walking through the village, I feel more and more embarrassed. I know nobody's looking but it still feels weird to hold someone's hand in public. Maybe this would be easier if we were alone. I slightly loosen my grip but his tightens.

"This damn village has nothing in it," he swears. "I wish we could go back home already." I look around, trying to find something, but to no avail. He isn't wrong about there being nothing to do, but it's not all that bad here as he makes it seem.

"I think I like it here better, but that's probably because I don't have friends back home." 

"You can't get too attached to anybody here, Mira," he says in a parent-like tone. "We'll only be here for another month or two." I feel a bit sad hearing him say that, but I know it's true. I've told myself that a million times.

"You aren't wrong, I guess," I admit.

We end up in front of a school with a leaf village symbol at the entrance where I assume Shikamaru, Ino, and Choji went. There's a swing hanging from a tree. Touma gestures for me to sit on the swing, so I do. Not much is different from the date yesterday. We talk about everything. I find out his mom passed away too, but when he was much younger. 

By mid-afternoon, my stomach is begging for food. It's been nearly 48 hours since I late ate. I am conflicted with how I should feel. I don't know if I don't wanna eat or if I do. I mean... It's not like I promised Shikamaru I'd start eating more. I just wanted to sort of surprise him. I shake the idea out of my head and force myself to speak.

"Touma, could we eat somewhere? I haven't eaten in a while," I force the words out of my mouth. I dig my shoes into the dirt to stop the swing.

Touma nods as if he just realized something. "Oh yeah, that makes sense. I guess because how you used to eat your stomach's still stretched out so you get hungry easy." That stung a little. No, scratch that. It feels like I just got stabbed in the chest.

"Well, no. It's been a while, Touma..." I feel shameful asking him, but I'm scared if I go any longer, I'll just fall back into it.

Rough fingers lift my chin and turn my head to face Touma's. "I like it when you say my name," he purrs. 

His lips —which are suddenly all I can look at— turn upwards into a smirk. I avert my eyes away. I feel the warmth radiating off his body inch closer. _He'll catch the hint, won't he?_ I keep my eyes glued away, trying to ignore the feeling of his face this close to mine. I feel his hot breath on my lips and an unpleasant chill runs through my spine. Touma pushes his lips against mine and my eyes shoot to what's in front of me, which is Touma's closed eyes. _Shit, I'm supposed to close mine too._ Before I can do anything, the kiss his over. He keeps his face close to mine and starts to kiss from my cheek down to my neck.

The kisses continue, but the feeling seems to fade more as time goes on. I've lost the ability to think about anything besides how much I _don't_ want this. This is all way too fast. His lips move back up and are on mine again. I push against his chest just hard enough that he knows to stop. He pulls back and I instinctively wipe my lips.

"Sorry, it's just the first time I've done something like this." I look down at my thumbs and play with them nervously.

Touma chuckles, easing my stress. I was sure he'd be mad at me. "It's alright, let's go eat." Touma takes my hand and the school slowly fades away. 

"I was wondering," Touma begins, grabbing my attention. "You're gaining weight because your friend wanted you to, right?" he asks for confirmation, to which I nod. "Have you ever thought maybe she's just jealous and wants you to be fat?"

"She?"

"The girl you work with, right?" 

I let out a small laugh. "No, it wasn't Ino. I'm doing it because of my friend Shikamaru," I tell him.

His lips turn down into a frown. "That sounds like a guy's name," he observes.

"Well, probably because he is a guy," I laugh, genuinely. "He's the guy who was in the Hokage's office when we all got here."

"The one with the ponytail?" A look spreads across his face that I can't figure out. I decide to ignore it and continue talking.

"Yeah, Shikamaru, Ino, and Choji were teammates when they were younger. They're the friends I've made here. Their families are all pretty close and they work best with each other. Oh, they also have a passed down jutsu from each of their families-"

"Do you like this guy or something?" Touma says with a bit of hostility.

"No!" I say defensively, covering my mouth instantly.

"Then I don't see why you'd gain weight for him." Touma looks suddenly less friendly than he was earlier and I feel guilty. I think I've put Touma in a mood, but I don't know what I did wrong. "Does that pervert like you or something?"

"Pervert? No, he has a girlfriend," I object.

"If he has a girlfriend then why is he so concerned with what your body looks like. Shouldn't he be with her rather than telling you how to eat?" I don't bother telling him that Shikamaru's girlfriend doesn't live here. I know that no matter what I say, Touma's not going to be happy with it. I stay quiet but Touma lets out a huff when I don't reply. "I need to go home and think, you go ahead." He walks away and I'm left in the street alone. 

Is it really that big of a problem that I'm gaining weight for a friend? Would it be better just to not eat at all? I walk until I find myself at the park me and Touma were at yesterday. I walk over to the bench where we sat and fall onto the grass in front of it and continue to let my brain overthink.

Is Touma upset because he doesn't want me to gain weight? He _did_ see me when I was fat, so maybe he doesn't want me to look like that again. I can't see why he'd be upset over Shikamaru. Sure, Shikamaru's a guy, but since when can't guys and girls be friends? Besides, Shikamaru has a girlfriend, so even if I did like him I'd have zero chance.

"You took my spot." I jump up and see Shikamaru is standing above me. Jeez, it's like he knew I was thinking about him. I scoot over a few feet and he sits in the place I was in. "How'd your date yesterday go?" He falls onto his back with his hands behind his head, closing his eyes.

"It was okay," I murmur, not wanting to talk about it much anymore. I turn onto my side away from him. "We hung out again today."

"He lived in the same village as you, right?"

"Yeah."

"He's the tall guy from your village, isn't he?" I nod but remember I'm facing away from him. I switch to my other side to look at him, but his eyes were still closed.

"Yeah," I say again.

"You aren't acting like your usual self. Did something go wrong?" Shikamaru opens his eyes and turns his head to mine. He looks a little shocked seeing me already looking at him.

"I- ah-" I stammer, feeling embarrassed that we were both looking at each other. I don't really wanna tell him about the eating thing. "I guess... I just expected uh..." I'm not sure if it's the eye contact or trying to come up with an excuse, but I feel flustered. "It's embarrassing to talk about."

"Spit it out," he urges. I bite the inside of my cheek.

"I thought kissing would feel... better," I confess. It feels like I should be telling Ino this first. Wouldn't this be better to talk about with another girl?

"So he's a bad kisser?"

"Is that is?" I ask, leaning onto my hand.

"I can't say I've met a person who didn't enjoy good kissing," he says bluntly.

"I don't know," I doubt. "Maybe I just freaked out, or maybe I'm the problem-" I'm cut off by the loud grumbling coming from my stomach. It's loud enough that Shikamaru's half-lidded eyes fully open.

"When's the last time you ate?" The deflating feeling of guilt spreads throughout my body. I don't want to disappoint him, and I don't want to lie to him either.

"About two days," I admit. Shikamaru's lips subtly turn into a frown, almost unnoticeable. 

"Do you want to eat?" He props himself up on his elbows, waiting for my answer. I guess he wasn't working today since he was just wearing a black shirt and pants. His stomach probably doesn't roll when he sits like that. I bet mine would. I probably shouldn't eat. I shouldn't but... 

Shikamaru wants me to eat. I can tell by the way he's looking at me. The last thing I'd want to do today after all my screwups is make another person upset.

I nod and he pushes himself up, groaning in the process. It can't be that hard for him. He's a jounin, so he's clearly strong. It's like even a small task as simple as getting up is hard for him. He holds out a hand towards me. I take it and he pulls me up. I get dizzy the moment I'm on both feet, regretting that I just made fun of Shikamaru for groaning when he got up.

I follow a few feet behind Shikamaru until we're at the entrance of the place he took me to the first time we met. We sit at a small table and Shikamaru lets me order for myself this time. I decide to get a small bowl of the same vegan curry I had last time. Shikamaru doesn't order anything, and I feel guilty. When the curry comes out, I hesitantly bring it to my lips.

"Sorry," I apologize. 

Shikamaru raises an eyebrow. "For what?"

"It probably looks weird that I'm eating and you aren't."

Shikamaru turns his head to look around the room. "I don't think anyone cares, to be honest with you." I look around and see people that are too busy with their own meals. My thoughts momentarily linger on what Touma said earlier, but I push it away.

I begin to eat my curry, admittedly a bit fast that it felt embarrassing that Shikamaru was in front of me. I feel disgusting, but Shikamaru didn't seem to mind at all. He stays silent, letting me eat for the first time in two days.

I'm not even halfway finished when a hand yanks me up from my seat and pulls me away, making me drop my spoon on the clean floor. The grip on my wrist is tight and not planning on letting me go. Shikamaru's head shot up and in what felt like less than a second he was gone. The body pulling me along stopped. I turn to look and Shikamaru is standing in front of Touma, who's the one with a grasp on my wrist. Shikamaru stood his ground to prevent Touma from leaving, though he was shorter than Touma.

"She hasn't finished eating, you can at least take the food with you." I don't know what it is, but Shikamaru's voice sounds a bit harsher talking to Touma. Stern.Touma's eyebrows furrow and his grip on my wrist becomes painful. _Why is he so angry?_

"You're a sick fucking weirdo," Touma hisses. Shikamaru's expression turns confused, but a darker look replaces it.

"Says the one who just pulled her out of her seat and dragged her away." 

"And how is that any of your business?" Touma growls, his grip tightening more and more by the second. I try to pull away but his grip only strengthens.

Shikamaru's eyes flash to my face, and then my wrist. "You're hurting her," Shikamaru tells him.

"She's fine." Touma's nails begin to dig into my skin. I bite my lip to avoid making any sound. "Don't you have a girlfriend to concern yourself with? Instead of _mine,_ " he spits at Shikamaru. I look up and Shikamaru is as shocked as I am to hear those words. I don't remember making anything like that official.

"Let go of her wrist, she's in pain," Shikamaru warns. Touma harshly turns towards me and looks me up and down. It must've been apparent that I was in pain because his grip instantly loosens, but he doesn't let go.

"Do you have any idea how hard she worked to lose weight? Do you want her to be fucking fat again?" My heart stings hearing Touma say that. I look down at my feet, knowing we've probably caused a scene inside. I just want to leave.

"She hasn't eaten in two days you fucking moron." Shikamaru's voice had so much malice in it that it shocked me. Has Ino or Choji heard his voice sound like this before? It's scary. I'd hate to be on the receiving end. I could tell Shikamaru instantly regretted saying that. His eyes flashed to mine for a split second before I averted them back down.

"Touma... Shikamaru didn't do anything wrong." I mumble to Touma, hoping if anything he'll listen to me. _I don't want to be here anymore. I wanna go home. I want to be alone._

"I don't think you should be hanging out with a guy like this, Mira." Touma turns to me and his expression turns soft. He leans over so we're at eye level and tucks my hair behind my ear. I don't know how he switches so quickly from staring Shikamaru down to looking at me like I'm the world to him.

"Touma, I don't understand what you're so upset about." I practically whisper. "It's not like Shikamaru was making me gain weight, he never even asked me to in the first place." Touma's expression turns confused. "It made him happy when I ate right, so I just didn't want to disappoint him," I say the last part a bit quieter.

Touma's face turns bright red and I'm on the receiving end of his glare. "You're telling me you have a crush on this ugly piece of shit?" Touma tries to mask his anger, but it doesn't work too well. My face turns red because I know Shikamaru heard that. Touma wasn't exactly trying to be quiet.

"That's not what I said at all!" I feel my own anger creeping in. "I'm going home." I free myself from Touma's grasp and pull out my wallet to pay. I push through Touma and Shikamaru, not bothering to say a thing to either of them and start to walk towards my apartment. I hear one pair of footsteps following me, followed by another shortly after. 

"Stop fucking following us!" Touma yells at Shikamaru, catching up with me.

"I'm following you to make sure you don't hurt her," Shikamaru deadpans. _Why won't both of them just go away?_

Touma —who's finally caught up with me— turns my body to face his, and his lips latch onto mine. Once again, I'm taken by surprise and have no time to react. He attempts to deepen the kiss but I can't help but be completely frozen. Touma suddenly stops. At first, I thought he caught on that I wasn't kissing back until I saw a black shadow connecting the two. 

"What the fuck?" Touma swears, grunting like he's trying to move.

"Yeah, he's really bad at it," Shikamaru says to me, failing to push down a smirk. He takes a step back, and Touma's body does the same. "Go home, I'll keep him here for a while." I freeze, unsure of what I should do. Wouldn't it just make Touma angrier if I abandon him and listen to Shikamaru? Touma's lips spew hateful words at Shikamaru.

"I-It's fine," I say just loud enough to reach Shikamaru's ears. "You don't need to worry." I turn back in the direction I was walking in. "Let's go, Touma." A cold snicker leaves Touma's mouth and I hear his heavy footsteps catch up to me. When Touma's at my side, he pulls our faces together and pushes our lips together. I can feel the hardness of his teeth behind his lips. Is it supposed to feel like that?

I'm sorry, Shikamaru. My stomach growls and my vision blurs. _I am so fucking sorry._


	8. seven

Touma walked with me to my door last night, kissing me before he left. I managed to kiss back this time, but it still didn't feel right. It feels like our lips are being shoved together. Maybe that's how it's supposed to feel, though. Shikamaru's words from last night flash through my mind again. How could he possibly know if he is or isn't? It's probably just me overthinking it. 

I push myself off the bed, remembering I have work today. I had two days off in a row, yet somehow I'm more tired than before. I decide to go with a black long sleeve and cargos. I'm ready earlier than usual, so I decide to just go in early. It's probably better this way anyway, since I won't be running into Touma, and hopefully not Shikamaru either.

I'm sure it's more than obvious why I don't want to see Touma right now, but for Shikamaru, it's even a little confusing for me. It'll just be embarrassing to see him after everything last night.

I leave the building quickly, fortunate enough to not run into anyone familiar. Not many people are up this early, so I don't pass many people on my way to the flower shop. I step in, tying my hair out of my face. However, instead of the blonde ponytail that I'm used to, I see a brunette with her hair in a bun.

I guess Ino's not here yet, so is this her mom? Only the Yamanaka family works here, besides me. The women turns around and our eyes meet. _Well, she certainly doesn't look like Ino._

"You're Mira?" her sweet voice asks with a smile. I nod, forcing my lips to form a smile. "I'm Ino's mom. You're pretty early." I send her a quick smile and start to do my job without saying a word.

Just before the shop is supposed to open, Ino steps in. "Hey Mir- Mom?" Ino's mouth drops slightly, starting at her mom who's sorting flowers. Mrs. Yamanaka grins at Ino and turns back to her work. "Haven't seen you in a while," Ino pouts, putting out an 'open' sign.

"I took a small break," Mrs. Yamanaka explains to Ino.

"That's fine but... if Mira wasn't here, I'd be doing all the work. I had to tell Kakashi to hold me off missions for a while because of it." I can see Ino's a bit frustrated with her mom. "It's like you've been avoiding me."

"I was just a little bit down recently, I'm all better now."

"And I'm not? Do you even know what month it is?"

"Of course, it's May." Ino's Mom's voice stays polite, but her voice becomes a bit stern.

"I'm supposed to visit Asuma sensei with Shikamaru and Choji and I haven't even had time to talk to them about it," _I didn't know people were that close with their sensei's here._

"I-Ino, I could take care of the store," I interject. It must be important if Ino's that upset about it.

"Running the store alone is way too hard, Mira." Ino objected. "Mom and I have worked here for years so we're used to it." I bite the inside of my cheek, feeling guilty that I've been holding her back for weeks.

"Alright, take today off then," Ino's mom suggests. "I'll take care of the store today and the 14th." Ino's eyes slightly widen. Her eyes fall onto me.

"How about Mira?"

"A-ah! No, I'll stay and work." I choke. I don't want Mrs. Yamanaka to think I was lazy or do all the word by herself.

"That's fine, today won't be too busy anyway. It's Sunday after all," Ino's mom grins at me, and it feels impossible to deny her offer. I reluctantly remove my apron and follow Ino out of the shop. The second the shop is out of view, tears spill from Ino's blue eyes.

"S-she's been g-gone for so long," she sobs. Ino makes no effort to conceal her tears. "I thought I'd have no choice." Ino finds a building to sit against while she cries. "It's been three years, and it still hurts." Ino chokes out. I try to comfort her but I'm not really experienced in this. I haven't even the slightest idea what she's talking about.

_If there is a higher power, please help. I have no idea what I'm doing or what she's upset about. Bring Shikamaru, Choji, anybody, please!_

"Ino? What's wrong?" a soft voice calls out. _Thank you!_ I turn around to see a pale guy around our age with black hair. When I say pale, that's an understatement. His skin is nearly translucent. Ino's cries cease the second she heard the voice. I recognize him a second later, remembering the shirt that he wears that stood out to me before.

"Sai!" She pushes herself up and wraps her arms around his neck. "You were gone for so long!" she weeps into his shoulder. "I didn't get to say bye or anything."

Sai seems just as inexperienced as I am with comforting people. It's apparent in his panicked expression. His arms hesitantly wrap around her waist. "It was an S-rank mission. You were sleeping when I received the mission, and I had to leave as soon as possible."

"Are you hurt? Did it go well?" Ino sniffs, pulling herself back, examining Sai's skin.

"It went fine, but are you okay? You were crying." Ino wipes her cheeks and giggles softly.

"I'm much better now," Ino beams, suddenly over whatever was upsetting her thirty seconds ago. I start to feel awkward so I finally speak up to stop feeling like I'm eavesdropping.

"I'll see you later. You spend the day together. _You_ have something to talk about, _Ino._ " Ino nods softly, letting go of Sai. Sai takes her hand and I see a blush spread across Ino's face. _I guess Ino and Sai don't mind PDA._

Now that I have the day off, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. The last two days I've spent with Touma. As enjoyable as the dates themselves were, after last night I'm a bit scared to be around him. In addition to that, I'm scared to see Shikamaru as well. He might be mad at me for last night. 

I haven't eaten since Touma took me out of the restaurant. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Am I supposed to prioritize Touma over Shikamaru? I've known Touma longer, but Shikamaru and I are friends. Touma makes it sound like Shikamaru wants me to gain weight so I'll be fat again, but that can't be right. Shikamaru never said he wants me to eat a bunch, he just wants me to be healthy.

I should talk to Touma about this, right? I'm sure if he explains how he feels to me, I'll understand.

Lost in my own thoughts, I run into someone, again.

"Ow- hey, you're that one girl? Mira, right?" I look up and see a tuff of blonde hair. Choji introduced me to him... Damn, I can't remember his name.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for running into you," I apologize. The blonde laughs, letting me know it's no big deal. "I'm sorry, I forgot your name," I mumble.

"Naruto Uzumaki," Naruto beams. "What're you doing?"

"Well, I was gonna hang out with Ino I guess but her boyfriend just came back," I say, trying not to sound too disappointed. "What about you?"

"My soon-to-be wife is trying on dresses, and I wasn't invited." Naruto pouts like a little kid. It's unbelievable to me that he's old enough to get married. "You're friends with Shikamaru, right? We could all hang out, y'know!" Naruto had a pleading look in his blue eyes. 

"I think he might be mad at me," I admit. "But you go, I'm just gonna head home." Naruto's lips turn down.

"Alright, I'll see you around!" Naruto waves as he jogs off.

A pain shoots through my chest. I should be used to this. I've spent most of my life isolated, so why doesn't it bother me now. I haven't seen Choji since I ran into him after my first date with Touma, Ino's busy with her boyfriend, and I've probably made things awkward between Shikamaru and me.

Finally, at my apartment, Touma's waiting at my door. I guess my loneliness wouldn't last long.

"T-Touma?"

"Let's talk." 

I take out my key and unlock my door and Touma lets himself in. He plops onto my couch. I think for a moment that it was a bit rude but ignore it. I don't know why, but I'm a bit scared to talk to him. He seems serious and for some reason that made me nervous. I go into the kitchen and start making tea for both of us, avoiding the conversation as much as I can. When the tea is ready, Touma's still on my couch waiting for me, and I reluctantly walk over and hand him the cup.

Touma nods his head in thanks and takes a sip. "I wanted to apologize for yesterday," he tells me, putting the cup on the table and facing me head-on. "I've always been the type to get jealous and possessive. It's just in my nature. So it kinda set me off knowing you're gaining weight for another dude," he chuckles. Something about what he just said made me feel uneasy. 

"It's not like that. He wants me to gain because he thinks I'm too thin," I explain, thinking Touma might begin to understand. Instead, his eyebrows furrow.

"What if I like skinny girls?" Touma says bluntly. I'm taken back for a moment, blinking at him. I'm not sure if him wanting me to stay the way I am is a good thing or bad.

"Do you?"

"Yeah," he says honestly. "I think this Shikamaru guy just gets a kick out of fat people. I mean, look at that fat friend of his, he probably endorses that." _What is he talking about? None of this is true._ "I'd prefer it if you stopped doing that," he advises. "I don't trust him or like him, honestly I wish you'd stop talking to him entirely."

Stop talking to Shikamaru? What the hell is up with him? We've been on two dates and now he's declaring himself as my boyfriend and telling me to cut off one of my friends.

"W-wait-" Touma cuts me off.

"I'm special to you now, aren't I?" Touma says, his expression expectant for a positive answer. I stammer on my words but nothing comes out. "Shikamaru can't love you, Mira. I can," Touma lectures.

"It isn't like that, Touma!" I feel my eyes begin to water involuntarily. 

"If that's true, then make me your top priority." Touma's eyes seem to have a darker vibe around them. "Go back to who you were before."

"The person I was before didn't have anybody who cared about me," I argue, feeling a spark of anger building inside me. "You're telling me to cut ties with my friends over something so minuscule."

"But _I'm_ here now," Touma retorts. "Shikamaru and all of them will forget you once we leave anyways, I don't see the big deal. This was always going to be temporary." And like that, my spark of anger is washed away by a pool of sadness. My mind races with thoughts I've had but forced down.

That can't be true, you just can't forget a whole person, can you? 

_There's no point in eating when you're just gonna go back to the way things were before when you go home._

Shut up. 

_You're gaining weight for someone who you'll never see again after you leave._

The tears that fogged my eyes began to spill down. Touma's arms wrap around me and I bury my face into his chest. I don't bother questioning why I'm being comforted by a person who just told me none of my friends will remember me after I leave here. 

"Don't cry, Mira." He rubs my back in circles in an attempt to comfort me. "It hurts now but it won't soon. Put your faith in me."

_Shut the hell up, Touma. Just shut the fuck up._

"I'll be there to support you to lose all the weight you gained for Shikamaru, then you can lose weight for me," he says naturally.

"You want me to lose weight?" I question, not sure if I should be jumping at the opportunity or disgusted. Shikamaru told me I'm too thin as it is, so wouldn't losing more weight be worse?

"I want every pound that ugly boy made you gain, gone." He nuzzles his face into my neck. "I want your body to have no traces of him, only me." 

I should tell him to fuck off. I should tell him I'm going to keep gaining weight, and that he's crazy for telling me to lose it. I should tell him that I'm not and never was his girlfriend and that I want him to leave me alone forever.

But the words don't leave my lips.

The comforting empty feeling in my stomach urges me to take advantage of this opportunity and go back to the way things were before. This is my chance. I can take back my promises I made to myself and be skinny. I never got skinny enough anyway. I can still lose weight. I'm not even that underweight. Not even ten pounds underweight anymore. I can go lower. I can be skinny. Maybe not for Touma, but me. For me. For Mira Tanaka.

Shikamaru is my good friend, as well as Choji and Ino, but Touma's not wrong. Once I leave, that's it for our short-lived friendship. I don't owe them anything. I owe it to myself to feel beautiful and skinny. Touma is right. 

"Fine," I decide. Touma's face lifts from the crook of my neck and faces me with wide eyes. "I'll stop, and I'll lose the weight I gained." Touma's expression turns delighted in no time and he grabs my face, showing it with kisses all over. It's not pleasant, but I'll manage.

"Thank you for choosing me." His lips kiss from the crook of my neck to my lips. I let him kiss me how he wanted for however long he wanted. If choosing Touma's what I'm supposed to do, then I'll do it.

I won't even begin to understand his feelings for why he hates Shikamaru so much and his jealousy, but it's not for me to understand. If Touma doesn't want to see me with Shikamaru, then he doesn't need to know. I may be using this as an excuse to stop eating again, but Touma won't be getting in the way of my friends, even if they are temporary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wassup um so i've been writing this fic since like july and haven't posted it anywhere til now but i jus wanted to say i have like twenty-six?? chapters written but all the chapters i post are edited versions. i lowkey wish i had waited to rewrite a bit more because i had no idea people were actually going to bother reading this LMAO i'm gonna try to upload at least 1-2 times a week but i'm also writing new chapters as well so idk please be patient wif me 


	9. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> major tw for sexual assault this chapter

I refuse to weigh myself. I know that no matter what the scale says, I'm not going to like it. If I've gained, I'll feel fat. If I've lost, I'll feel guilty. It's a lose-lose situation so it's better to just not know at all. A few days ago, Touma asked me to lose the weight I gained. Luckily, I don't think I gained too much while I was trying to gain. I'm sure by the end of the week —if I stick to my strict diet— I'll be back to what I was before.

I told Ino some of what happened between Touma and Shikamaru. I left out that I hadn't eaten in two days, but made sure to mention Touma's jealousy over the whole situation. I also told her that when Touma apologized, he told me he didn't want me talking to Shikamaru anymore. To my surprise, Ino didn't seem the least bit shocked.

"A lot of guys are like that," Ino shrugged. "I'm lucky that Sai isn't the jealous type, or else we'd have a big problem."

Speaking of Sai, Ino had finally grown some balls and talked to him about what was bothering her. It turns out that Sai was afraid to initiate anything because he wasn't sure if she'd want it. Since then, it's like a demon has possessed them. They can't seem to keep their lips off each other. He's been coming around to help with the flower shop lately, as well. I'm not sure if he's just being nice or if he is as excited as Ino to kiss. It seemed like all stress left her shoulders in a day. I wish I could feel the same.

I haven't seen Shikamaru since that night when Touma freaked out. Maybe he's just swamped by work, but I can't help but think he's avoiding me. I usually pass by him at least once every couple of days at least. I've even seen Choji around more, but not a single sign of Shikamaru. _He's probably out on a mission or visiting Temari._ I tell myself anything that will distract me from coming up with something that will hurt me. 

I know it's probably better I don't see him right now, but I can't help but miss his complaining and backhanded jokes. I'm sure he'd notice if I skipped out on a meal when I was seemingly getting better before. As much as I miss hanging out with him, maybe it's not worth seeing his expression when he realizes I'm back to the way things were before.

Touma doesn't seem fazed at all by my eating habits. I just need to get back down to 98 and I can go back to eating the way I was before I met Shikamaru. I've been restricting much more to get down quicker. 

I feel a bit bad about doing this, but I've already decided to hide it as best as I can. I'll say I'm busy with Touma if they invite me out to eat. I won't wear shorts or short sleeves in front of anyone but Touma. It seems like a good temporary plan until I go back home.

"Mira," Sai's monotone voice calls. I'm shaken out of my thoughts and look at Sai's eyes, which were so dark they made his skin look paler. "Ino and I are going to close up the store, so you can go home." Sai awkwardly waves and I bite back a laugh. He's a weird guy, but he has good intentions.

I take off my apron and look at the clock. Touma works at a restaurant, so I won't have to worry about him getting off for a while. Touma likes to stop by after he gets off, which is usually late at night. I'm off two hours earlier than usual, so I actually have time for myself. Even though he usually comes home two to three hours after me, I feel like it's barely anything. It's no more than a countdown until Touma's at my door smelling like food and sweat.

A positive outcome from this relationship is that I don't get envious when I see couples kiss anymore. Being kissed by Touma every day was more than tiring. Thankfully, it's the farthest he's pushed to go. I was worried that since he'd moved fast with everything else, it wouldn't stop here. If he did ask to go farther, I don't know what I would say. I'm almost nineteen, so I'm pretty late to the party. But God, the idea of Touma's hot breath on me for more than two minutes is enough to turn me off from the idea.

I walk out of the shop, deciding on a short walk before I head home and take a nap. That is until I see a familiar bulky build with light brown hair in the distance that makes a grin spread across my face.

"Choji!" I call out. Choji turns around and his lips turn into a soft smile. He stops, allowing me to catch up with him. "I feel like we haven't really talked in forever." I don't think I've seen him in over a week now, not even walking around. Granted, the last week has been engulfed by Touma and work.

"Sorry about that," Choji apologizes with a smile, which slowly goes away with his next sentence. "It's almost the anniversary of my sensei's death, so I've been a bit down." I make a connection in my head, realizing what it was Ino was so upset about the other day.

"Your sensei is... Asuma, right?" I question carefully, hoping I'm not wrong. Choji begins to start walking again, and I follow.

"Ino's already told you then, I assume," Choji says.

"No, not really. She said his name but I assumed he was alive," I admit.

"Oh, well... yeah, he was our sensei. Maybe when we're all not busy we can tell you more about him," Choji suggests.

"Yeah, I'd love to hear more about him," I agree, nodding. I look around, recognizing the general area of where he's headed. "Are you going home?"

"No, I'm going to Shikamaru's," Choji bites his lip like he's not sure if he should say what he's thinking. He continues anyway. "Asuma's death affected him a lot. He tends to isolate himself around this time of year." I guess that explains his sudden disappearance. It was selfish of me to assume he was avoiding me.

"I should go home then," I say, assuming Shikamaru and Choji would rather just be with each other during this time. I stop in my tracks, letting Choji walk ahead, but he stops and looks back at me.

"No, come along. The more there is, the better," Choji's lips turn up and he takes the same wrist Touma grabbed only a few days ago. Choji's hand was surprisingly soft, considering he's a ninja. I wonder what made Touma's so rough.

I let Choji pull me along until we're at the front of a modest-looking house I assume must belong to Shikamaru. Choji finally lets go of me, ushering me to follow him. I walk with him to the front door and before Choji could knock, the door opens.

Shikamaru —who isn't paying attention— begins to walk out of his door before he abruptly stops when he notices Choji's figure. Shikamaru's dressed differently than I usually see him. He's wearing a black t-shirt and sweatpants the same color, and an unlit cigarette is hanging between his teeth. Shikamaru's eyes fall on me and I avert my gaze. We haven't seen each other since the Touma incident.

"What're you doing here?" he says to Choji and me, his voice more relaxed than usual. He shuts the door behind him and leans against it. He pulls out a lighter from his pocket and lights the end of the cigarette, inhaling the smoke the moment the fire touches it. I knew he smoked but I have never seen him actually do it.

"Just came to hang out." Choji puts his hand on Shikamaru's shoulder. Shikamaru side-eyes Choji's hand. His face turns slightly annoyed.

"I'm fine," he speaks, smoke escaping his lips.

Choji pulls back his hand and frowns. "Come on, Shikamaru..." Choji sighs. Shikamaru narrows his eyes at Choji. After a moment, he gives in, stepping to the side.

"Fine, if it'll make _you_ feel better. Let me finish this first and I'll be inside in a bit." Shikamaru opens the door, and I follow after Choji into the house. For someone who was pretty lazy, the house was spotless. I never would've pictured Shikamaru to be the type to keep his house so clean. 

The only thing that stuck out was the bottle of whiskey on the center table in his living room. That's most likely why he seemed so relaxed outside. I see a small table on the other side of the living room. Once I get closer, I recognize it as an unfinished game of shogi. Yeah, Shikamaru would be into boring games like that.

"I'm so jealous of Ino and Shikamaru," Choji tells me.

"Hm?" I mumble, still taking in my surroundings. His walls are completely empty and dark.

"They both live alone. I still live with my parents."

"Living alone isn't all that great." I skim my fingers against Shikamaru's walls. The paint has a different texture that I've never seen before. "If it were up to me, I'd like to live with my mom again, but she passed away." Choji's face goes pale.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think about it like that," Choji confesses. "Shikamaru and Ino's dads died in the war. Since then, they haven't been as close to their moms."

"I've never met my dad," I laugh so Choji doesn't take me so seriously. 

The door opens and the smell of smoke wafts into the room. Shikamaru walks past me and Choji and goes into the kitchen. I watch as he pulls two glasses from the cupboard, hesitating for a moment.

"Mira, do you drink?" Shikamaru asks, looking at me expectantly. 

"I-I'm not old enough," I stammer.

"Neither am I, but that wasn't what I asked." 

"O-oh, I'll try, I guess," I stutter, shifting my weight nervously.

Shikamaru takes another class out of the cabinet and walks back over, passing us again and sitting on the couch. He places each glass on the table and fills them a little more than halfway with a deep golden brown liquid. I sit adjacent to Shikamaru and Choji sits on the opposite side of me. Shikamaru slides both of a glass. I put the glass to my lips.

I don't know what I was expecting, but it sure wasn't this. The burning liquid slides down my throat. I try to cover up my coughing but Shikamaru is already laughing at me. _Laug_ _hing?_ Once my coughing fit is finished, I glare at Shikamaru.

"You could've warned me, you ass," I scold. He smirks evilly and takes a sip of his without an issue. I look over at Choji and he's doing the same. _I hate boys,_ I think, knowing it's not an issue with gender but blaming it on that anyways.

—

Hours pass and I'm yet to empty my glass. Every time I took a sip, I went into a fit of coughs, which would result in Choji and Shikamaru laughing at me. I don't know why I agreed to drink, a first-time drinker should definitely not start with whiskey. I didn't even think about how strong it would be either. I'm not drunk, but I feel an effect from the alcohol. I can't say whether I like it or not, but Choji and Shikamaru sure do.

I've never seen Shikamaru laugh so freely. A week ago on Choji's 20th birthday, Shikamaru and I both didn't drink, so this is the first time I'm seeing him like this. It's nice seeing him finally loosen up and stop acting all abrasive and closed off. 

Choji's tolerance must be lower than Shikamaru's. Choji's _drunk_ while Shikamaru —who drank just as much— seemed to be just a bit tipsy. 

"I'm gonna go home," Choji slurs, finally reaching his limit. I'm going on a mission early tomorrow." _For Choji's sake, I hope he doesn't get a hangover._ Shikamaru stands up to let Choji out, but Choji wraps Shikamaru in a hug before Shikamaru can take a step. Just like when I hugged him, Shikamaru tenses. I held back a giggle, but the alcohol in my system made it hard. 

"Alright, Choj. I'll see you later." Shikamaru pulls himself out of Choji's strong arms and walks him out. I'm still fighting against my giggles when the door closes.

"You're an annoying drunk," Shikamaru jests, trying to glare but failing to push down a smirk. He walks back over and picks up his glass.

"I'm not drunk!" I defend. Shikamaru chuckles, taking a final sip from his glass.

"Don't you need to go home too?" he asks, picking up Choji's empty glass.

"I have nothing better to do." I watch Shikamaru go into the kitchen. Instead of putting the glasses by the sink like I do, he starts washing them right away. _How weird._ I take a small sip of the whiskey and _successfully_ hold in my coughs. I feel a ridiculous amount of pride, hoping Shikamaru saw it.

"If you say so, but you gotta leave before midnight," he responds. I look at the time. I have a _n hour and a half._ Shikamaru walks back takes his spot again. He doesn't say anything, so my tipsy brain distracts myself with the only thing it can.

Touma has said more than a few times that Shikamaru's ugly, but that can't be true at all. Maybe it's the alcohol affecting me, but I'm finally able to see just how attractive Shikamaru is. His face is a mix of both masculine and feminine features, so I'm unable to tell if he's pretty or handsome. I'm not sure how he'd feel about being called pretty. 

His eyelashes are long but straight, so it's hard to see when you face him straight-on. Facing him, it just appears that his eyes stick out a little more because of the dark lines his eyelashes create on his top eyelid.

His nose is also perfectly straight like it was shaped using a flat object. Touma's nose turns up at the end, which I found cute, but there was something about Shikamaru's perfectly straight nose that was enchanting. 

Like Touma, Shikamaru has a pretty strong jawline, but their face shapes were entirely different. Touma has a square face shape, so his jawline is a bit harsher. Shikamaru's face shape is more diamond-shaped, so even though his jawline is apparent, it's softer. Shikamaru is no doubt extremely attractive.

Shikamaru turns to face me, disrupting my staring at his side profile. Our eyes meet, but I don't say anything. _What about Shikamaru does Touma find ugly?_ Shikamaru's lips move but I don't hear anything.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I shake my head to wake myself up from my daydreaming.

"What're you thinking about?" he asks. He looks tired, and I wonder if I'm keeping him up by staying here. I want to care, but I'm too selfish to go home just yet.

"Trying to figure something out," I answer, scanning his face to analyze more of his appearance. 

"What is it?"

"Why Touma called you ugly," I say honestly. Shikamaru's taken aback, but he starts to laugh softly. I ignore his laughing, continuing to stare at him.

"Because he thinks I'm ugly I'm guessing." 

"But you aren't, so what about you does he hate so much?" I squint, hoping that will clear up the answer to my question. "You're good-looking, so I can't figure out what's ugly to him." If I was sober I would be embarrassed for saying that, but right now I could care less. This time, Shikamaru doesn't laugh. He looks pretty shocked for a while.

"Anyways, did you break up with him yet?" Shikamaru changes the subject. I can tell he's embarrassed by my sudden compliment.

"No, he apologized so we're fine now," I explain to him. He furrows his eyebrows at me, squinting his eyes in annoyance. He leans over the table.

"So that makes what he did okay?" Shikamaru lightly scoffs.

"He just got jealous," I tell him, and instead of annoyed, his eyes turn confused.

"Because we hung out?" Instead of responding, I nod. Shikamaru bites the inside of his cheek and leans back. "I mean, jealousy I get, but over that?"

"Awh, Shika gets jealous," I tease. He rolls his eyes and looks away.

"I've never acted like that, though. Most of the time, I usually don't even mention it to Tem." He glances over at me again. "And don't call me Shika, it's weird. My mom used to call me that," he adds.

An evil grin tugs at my lips and I lean over to get closer to him. " _Shi-ka_ ," I sass and Shikamaru looks at me, straight-faced.

"It's time for you to go home." He reaches for the glass of whiskey in front of me, which is still a quarter of the way filled. I snatch it before he can touch it and, without thinking, gulp the rest of the liquid, instantly regretting it once I feel the burn. Coughing racks my entire body, much more painful than before. "You idiot," Shikamaru berates. Shikamaru takes the glass from my hands and I hear water running in the kitchen. He returns not long after with the same glass, but with water in it instead. Once I get my coughs to ease up, I take a sip of the water. That sip turns into gulps. I pant like I haven't had water in years.

"T-thank you," I croak, my voice was noticeably hoarse.

"You need to go home, Mira."

"Kicking me out already? It's not even twelve yet," I point out.

"I'm not kicking you out, but I'm gonna pass out if we don't leave soon."

"We?" I look at him curiously.

"I don't think I could forgive myself letting an intoxicated girl try to walk herself home at night." Shikamaru helps me up to my feet. I stumble a little, and I'm not sure if it's the alcohol or the usual dizziness.

"You've been drinking more than I have, though," I reply.

"It's different with guys, Mi, you know that." _Thump._ Why did my heart just do that? I give in and I slide my feet into my shoes and walk out with Shikamaru. It's almost summer, but it still gets chilly at night. The cold wind hits me in the face. When we're at the end of the street, I glance at his ponytail.

"I'm starting to think that hair tie is glued in your hair," I say, earning an unintelligible look from him.

"I let my hair down when I shower and sleep. It's too much of a drag when it's down, so I prefer to keep it like this." I reach to his hair to let his hair out of the ponytail, but he dodges. I pout and reach for it again, and he dodges again.

"C'mon! I wanna see," I whine. Shikamaru yawns and shakes his head. I keep trying but he keeps dodging me. Running out of energy, I pretend to give up and we walk in silence for a few minutes. _Time for the attack!_ I reach up to grab his ponytail, using the last bit of my energy. I don't even see him move, but he catches my arm. My smile drops and I pout.

"Are you a toddler?" Shikamaru jokes, and I glare at him.

We turn onto my street and my apartment building comes into view. My body unintentionally halts when I see a familiar masculine build in front of the doors. It's pretty far, so maybe I'm wrong, but still, I'm unable to move. Shikamaru notices quickly and stops and takes a few steps backward next to me.

"What is it?" I'm not lucky enough to convince myself it's someone else. I know that build. I stared at the back of it for a year in class. It's Touma. Why now of all times is he outside?

I don't want to cause any more trouble for Shikamaru. He's had to deal with Touma once, and that's more than enough. I'm scared to go to him alone, but I'm even more scared of what would happen if I walked up with Shikamaru of all people.

"I can walk the rest of the way," I start to walk forward, not looking back at Shikamaru, hoping that if I don't see him, neither will Touma. I let out a sigh in relief when I don't hear footsteps follow behind me. As I get closer, Touma's face becomes clearer. I trip on the flat ground and feel a hot wave of embarrassment. I hope it's not obvious that I've been drinking. It's not like a drank a lot.

Touma's eyes, which seem darker than usual, fall onto me, not looking the least bit happy to see me. A cold chill runs down my spine as my mind considers the idea that he saw me and Shikamaru walk here together.

"Why were you out so late?" he questions, looking like he's already doubting me.

"I was hanging out with my friends," I answer, hoping this is just about me being home late. 

"Who?" I walk ahead of him into the building. Unfortunately, he follows me.

"Ino and Sai?" I lie.

"Who's Sai?" _What the hell is his? A pop quiz?_

"Ino's boyfriend," I tell him. 

He follows me until we're at my door. I don't want to deal with this right now. I'll deal with his possessive remarks and complaining tomorrow. "I'm tired, goodnight." I unlock my front door and walk inside. I start to close the door but Touma pushes his way in. I look up to tell him to leave, but the dark look on his face keeps my mouth shut. He shuts the door behind him quietly.

"You smell like alcohol," he says harshly. My anxiety begins to rise quickly.

"Yeah, we drank," I say, carefully making my way to the bathroom backward.

"You, Ino, and her boyfriend?" he asks for confirmation, but something about his tone makes me think he's just being cruel. I nod, turning around and walking faster to the bathroom. _He knows. He knows. He knows._ Two heavy footsteps are all I hear before there's a strong grip on my hair, yanking me back into his body. I let out a small yelp. "You're fucking lying to me," he hisses.

"I'm not," I gasp in pain. Tears threaten my eyes but I can't give up that quickly. 

"I could see that disgusting pervert from a mile away," he seethes, his grip tightening on my hair. I bite my lip to keep my cries from escaping. "Did you fuck him?" he spits. _What the hell?_

"No!" I cry out defensively. His hand slaps over my mouth. It hurts a little but all I can focus on is the stinging pain from where he's pulling my hair.

"Keep it down, people are sleeping." He slowly lets his hand off my mouth.

"No-nothing ha-" I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe? I shake my head. "Nothing happened." He looks at me with uncertain eyes and pulls me by the hair to the foot of the bed. Touma pushes my back onto the bed, keeping his grip on my hair. A tear falls from one of my eyes. I look at Touma's face. He's angry. _He's so fucking angry._

"Don't move," he demands. His hand lets go of my hair and trails down my body. My body reacted to the feeling and my hands shot over the buttons on my pants. Touma grabs my wrists tightly and pins them behind me. "I said don't fucking move." Touma's eyes appear almost black now. I'm so fucking terrified.

"Please don't." Sobs begin to erupt from my lips and Touma looks disgusted. 

"I'm not gonna fuck you," Touma spits, unbuttoning my pants. "I'll know if you're lying if I look." He hooks his fingers underneath my pants and underwear. I kick him away before he can do anything. He groans in pain and I get up, bolting to the door. _Shikamaru can't be that far. If I run out and call for him maybe he'll hear me._

Before I'm even close to the door, Touma finds his grip on my hair again. I cry out loudly, in hopes someone will help. Touma pushes me back on the bed and raises his hand. A hard slap lands across my cheek.

"Got something to hide, don't ya?" Touma's fingers hook the fabric and yank them down in an instant. Tears pool down the side of my face. I keep begging him to stop, but nothing changes. I'm scared. _Touma, please. Go back to being nice._ Touma puts his hands on my knees and pushes my legs apart. I try to keep them closed, but he's stronger. I bolt my head to the side when I see him examining the area, feeling both embarrassed and disgusted. He flips me around, making the bed muffle my sobs. After a moment, he scoffs and lets me go. I fall to the floor in front of my bed. As quickly as I can, I pull my pants back up and push myself up onto my knees.

I'm too scared to stand up. I can't face him. Please leave.

Touma squats in front of me, but I keep my eyes glued down. I don't know what I'll look like if I look at him right now. Scared? Angry? Those are the only things I'm feeling right now. His hand roughly grabs my chin and he pulls my face up to face his. His face twists in what can only be perceived as disgust.

"Your face gets all puffy when you cry. You look like the way you were in school." I already knew this, but it hurts much worse spilling from someone else's lips. His hand that had hit me only moments ago moves to my cheek gently. Touma kisses my wet cheek as if kissing it takes back the slap.

"I better not see you with him one more time," he whispers in my ear, sending chills through my body. With that, he's out the door. I'm left on my floor breathless and in tears. Even though he didn't touch me, I feel like I've been violated in the worst possible way. I feel dirty. I feel so utterly disgusting.

More than anything, I feel more alone than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 5 am & i finished this tonight just cuz i saw four people subscribed to this... i love u...   
> i'm in the middle of getting my ged rn so this week is probably gonna be slower & i've also been playing danganronpa.  
> n e ways, i have more ideas for fics but ughhh idk if they'd be good. i have a dabixocxhawks idea, a kuroken one, & kagehina (which i dont even ship but the idea is cute)  
> anyways sorry for this i treat ao3 & wattpad like my personal diary.  
> speaking of, this is doing so much better on here than wattpad. hate wattpad, but not mad abt it.


	10. nine

It's been almost a week since the night Touma found out I had been drinking with Shikamaru. Since that night, Touma's been keeping a watchful eye on me. I rarely get the chance to have time to myself anymore. 

Touma told me to change my schedule and he changed his own. I'm unsure if the change was to spend more time with me or make it impossible for me to spend time with anyone else. I start working at opening every day now, and I get off before Touma goes to work. If I'm even a few minutes late, Touma 'checks' me. He analyzes every inch of me carefully each time. I'm never quite sure what it is he's looking for, but he's never seen anything that seemed to make him angry.

Scared to go to Shikamaru or Choji about this, my last resort to talk to is Ino. I wanted to ask her what I should do, but she seems like she's already going through enough right now. I assumed her lack of energy was due to the anniversary of her sensei's death. I can't add onto that, so I suppose I'll just push through until she feels better.

Touma isn't that bad though as he appeared to be a few nights ago. He came over the next morning to apologize for hitting me and grabbing my hair. He hasn't hit me since.

According to him, we're officially together now. I didn't object since when he clarified that we're a couple, he didn't leave much room for objection. 

Even though some would think that working is when I get a break from Touma, it isn't. He works nights so most days he sits outside the shop, occasionally coming inside. Ino thinks it's cute that he's clingy, but I think it's more than clinginess. It's possessiveness. He isn't sitting there to watch me. He's there to make sure certain people don't come near me.

I haven't seen Shikamaru or Choji since the night we drank together, which I was relieved about. Although it seemed like Touma's main issue lied with Shikamaru, I wasn't going to risk it any further by involving Choji.

I have a pretty decent idea what Shikamaru's been doing with his time. It seems to me that Shikamaru's never been the type of guy to go to others when he's feeling down.

I'm not sure when things will go back to normal, but tomorrow is the 14th, which Ino told me is the third anniversary of her sensei's death. Ino's been stressing herself out about it lately because Choji hasn't returned from his mission. I'm confident that Choji's probably more worried about it than she is.

"You'll be fine tomorrow, right?" Ino says, shaking me from my thoughts.

"Hm?" I didn't register what she said instantly and feel dumb. "Oh, right. Yeah, I'll be fine. Your mom will be here too, won't she?" If not I'm totally screwed. Ino nods in response and I let out a sigh in relief.

"I hope Choji makes it back by tomorrow," Ino frets. Though it has no effect on me, I hope so too.

—

Ino closes shop up earlier than usual, so I leave a couple of hours earlier than usual. I instinctively walk across the street where Touma's been sitting all day. When he notices me walking out without my apron on, his lips turn up into a warm grin.

"Are you on break?" he asks.

I shake my head. "No, I just got off early," I respond. He stands up and takes my hand, beginning the route we take to go home. I stopped feeling embarrassed about holding hands in public, but it still feels weird. If anything though, it was helpful to have him pulling me along. My dizzy spells, which were only when I stood up too quickly, have become common. It's easier to walk like you're a dog on a leash.

I had almost forgotten about the cold feeling I had become accustomed to, but now it's back in full swing. It's nearly summer, and I can't seem to get warm no matter what. It's not unbearable, but it's odd considering all I wear are long sleeves. The only new thing is the headaches, which is definitely the worst part of all of it.

By now, I'm probably below the weight I was when I came here. My diet has been much more strict, so I know I'm losing faster. If I weigh myself, I know I'll feel relief. Relief that I can start eating more. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to eat the way I used to.

I no longer see the 'skinny' girl Shikamaru saw. I'm back to looking in the mirror and seeing the fat high schooler everyone made fun of. I don't know which one is real, but I know that the hungrier I feel, the thinner my reflection gets. I don't allow myself to eat in front of people anymore, which has resulted in a lot of accidental fasts. I wake up, go to work, hang out with Touma, and by the time he leaves I'm too tired to make food. I can barely even stand up for too long as it is.

Before I realize it, Touma's footsteps stop in front of a door that isn't mine. We only went up one flight of stairs, so it made it clear to me who's door we were at. Touma's.

"What're we doing here?" I ask as he brings me inside. The apartment is pretty much identical to mine besides the mess.

"You've never come over," he says, taking us to the couch. In front of us is... a TV?

"How did you afford this?" I wonder, looking at the screen in disbelief. These were common in Tonaki, but they're pretty new to the leaf village. I thought about buying one myself, but they're super overpriced.

"The tips at work are great," he brags, turning the television on and putting on a movie. The movie isn't really that interesting, but it beats dealing with hunger pains alone at home with nothing to do.

From the corner of my eye, I see Touma's face turn to mine. His eyes linger on me, but I keep my eyes glued to the screen, getting an idea of what he wants. Touma leans closer and plants kisses down my jaw to the bottom of my neck. _I do not want to deal with this right now._ These headaches are making my temper short, but I know it would be a mistake to be harsh with him. It's better to just go along with what Touma wants.

His lips travel up to my cheek, and he inches closer to my lips. I don't move, so he uses his hand to turn me to face him and push our mouths together. As I expected, the familiar uncomfortable feeling of our faces being shoved together. I hate the feeling of it. I hate how his nose digs into my cheek. I hate how he always leaves the places he kisses wet. It feels gross. I hate kissing.

Touma leans over and starts to push me back into the couch. _This is different._ Touma's hands meet my waist underneath my shirt. _They're so dry._ His mouth opens, and I feel his tongue against my lips. I pull back. He continues to lean in so I place my hands on his chest.

"Let's keep watching the movie," I suggest. Touma opens his eyes and his brows furrow. He pulls his face away. _Thank God._ I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"Sorry, it's hard to resist when you're body's starting to look this nice." Touma's hands slide up enough to lift my shirt to show my abdomen. "Look how nice and flat is it." His hand caresses my belly. I pull my shirt down.

"I don't like looking at my body," I state firmly. I sit up and Touma's arms let go of me. His face contorts into frustration.

"It's _your_ friend's fault that you feel that way," he mumbles. It's been a while since he's brought up Shikamaru. Low blow, Touma.

"No, this has nothing to do with him," I point out. "I've always been like this. And Shikamaru and I aren't really friends anymore. You don't want me hanging out with him, remember?"

"Of course, I do," he fumes, a sliver of his anger escaping. He takes in a long deep breath, calming himself down. "You're right, sorry." He cuddles up next to me. "I'm so happy that you stopped talking to him for me." _Not like I had much of a choice._ I nod and turn my focus to the movie again.

—

I leave the moment the credits begin to roll. I couldn't stand being around Touma any longer. I know I'm supposed to want to spend more time with him because he's my _boyfriend,_ but I hate how touchy he is.

What's wrong with just hanging out? No touching, no kissing, nothing. 

Back in my own home, I decide before I get too tired, I should eat. It's been a while and if I don't eat soon I'm gonna faint. I make myself a slice of toast with butter. _This is about 100 calories, I'll burn most of that digesting it. Should I work out a little to burn off the rest? Maybe keeping the extra calories will be good for me._ I shake my head of thoughts. 

_..._

_Touma would want me to work out._

After my toast, I do as many sit-ups as I can until I can barely breathe. I collapse onto my back when I can't take it anymore, and black dots begin to swarm my vision. I'm not gonna lie, things were much easier when I was eating.

—

I wake up on my kitchen floor. Thinking I was only asleep for a couple of hours at most, I look over at the clock only to see I'm nearly two hours late for work. _Fuck!_ I stand up way too fast and lose my balance. _I'm late! I'm so fucking late!_ I throw on a long sleeve shirt and don't bother changing my pants. I get ready as fast as possible and am out my door in less than five minutes. I can't run, so I try to walk as fast as I can to the flower shop.

Opening the door, I see a familiar brown bun. Before she can turn around, I bow and begin to apologize. "Mrs. Yamanaka, I'm so sorry!" I spew out, looking up carefully to see if she's mad. Ino's mom turns to me with a kind smile.

"Don't worry, Mira. I ran this shop alone before Ino was old enough to work." _If there is a god, bless this woman_. I immediately get to work. I need to work ten times harder for being late. I take over as much work as I can to make up for being late.

Today just happens to be a slow day though. We're barely getting any customers. Half the morning passes by with only two customers. I groan in boredom. It's not even noon yet and I'm exhausted.

 _Ding!_ Finally! I look up and my blood turns cold with fear. It's been a while since I've seen him.

"Hey," Shikamaru says casually. He looks even more tired than usual. Choji wasn't joking when he said Asuma's death affected him a lot. I want to ask him how he's feeling. I want to know if he's okay. But we can't be friends anymore, right now, he's a customer.

I look for Mrs. Yamanaka, hoping she can deal with whatever he's here for, but she's nowhere to be seen. I didn't see Touma this morning, so I hope today he forgot about me. If not, I'm in deep shit.

"Are you getting flowers for your sensei?" I ask, keeping things as professional as I can. 

"Yeah, Ino forgot to pick them up. They should be in the back." I turn around and open the door to the back. Sure enough, there are three cut white flowers on the table. I pick them up and hand them to Shikamaru. I assume since they're for Asuma, Shikamaru doesn't need to pay. My eyes flash to the windows, looking for a sign of Touma. 

I expect Shikamaru to leave after taking the flowers, but he stays, looking at me. "Are you sick?" he questions. I avert my gaze. I feel like he's staring right through me.

"I'm just stressed, I got to work late."

"You look pale," he notes. Shikamaru leans over to get a clearer view of my face. "I can take you to Shizune." _Yeah, no._

"I'm alright," I reply quickly. I try to make myself look busy, but Shikamaru doesn't leave.

"We're going out to eat afterward, you coming?" Even _if_ I want to go, if I get home late, Touma's going to 'check' again.

"No, you guys should be with each other," I refuse. "Choji got back right?" Shikamaru nods and for some reason, I feel relieved.

"We don't mind if you come," he tells me.

"I already made plans with Touma," I lie. I look up just in time to see Shikamaru frown.

"Take care of yourself, Mi." _Thump._ Shikamaru leaves the shop and I wait until he's out of sight to lose my composure. I hit my head against the counter. _Is this some sort of jutsu?_ I look around for any sight of Touma, but I don't see anything. I sigh in relief.

I feel bad for lying to Shikamaru, but seeing what he's going through, it's much better to lie.

_Ding!_

Another customer already? A beautiful woman with red eyes and long dark hair walks in holding a toddler's hand who's pretty much identical to her, besides her hair. The younger girl's hair is lighter and chin-length.

"Pick out some flowers for daddy," the woman says, letting her toddler's hand go. The little girl runs around to look at all the flowers. She looks around two or three years old. She goes to each and every flower, picking it up, smelling it, and putting it back down. The cycle continues until she picks up a single red rose.

"Smell it!" the little girl demands with excitement. Her mother takes it from the little girl's hands and holds it under her nose to smell it. "It make smoke go away!" I suppress a giggle at her buzzing personality.

Her mother laughs and hands the rose back to her. "We'd have to buy a whole bunch to make the smoke smell go away."

"I don't like it," the little girl pouts. "Big brother Shikamawu is stupid." My heart drops instantly. I connect the dots and conclude that this is Asuma's wife and daughter. I wonder to myself if Asuma ever got the chance to meet his own child. If he did, she wouldn't remember him.

"Don't say that, Mirai," the woman laughs. "He even puts it out when we get there."

"Still stinky," the girl —whose name I gather is Mirai— mutters.

"Your daddy smoked so he does it as a tradition," Mirai's mother explains.

"Daddy stupid too," she grumbles. Her mother just laughs and takes the rose, walking over to me. She places it on the counter and starts to pull out money.

"I'll pay for it," I blurt out. The woman looks up at me confused and blood rushes to my face. _She really is beautiful._ "I'm friends with Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji. I didn't mean to eavesdrop," I babble.

"O-oh, thank you." She grabs the flower and hands it to Mirai, which she happily takes and takes a big sniff. "What's your name?"

"Mira," I tell her without thinking.

"That's my name!" Mirai cheers excitedly. I bite back a giggle.

"She said _Mira_ not Mirai, silly." Mirai's toothy grin turns into a frown. Her mother turns back to me. "Thank you, Mira. I hope to see you around." Her lips turn upward into a smile. She takes her daughter's hand again, walking out of the store.

"Bye!" Mirai beams as she walks out with her mom. I wave at her with a smile. It must be a hard day for everyone. I know he wasn't my sensei and I never met him, but I feel depressed today. He must've left a mark on this village.

—

Thankfully, the rest of work went on as usual. With Mrs. Yamanaka there, it feels like I'm barely doing any work. Most of my work today was sitting at the counter waiting for customers. Unlike the last week, I don't feel Touma's eyes watching me.

I wonder if Touma's working tonight. It's been a while since I had a night to myself. Maybe tonight I can read a book and take a warm bath. Stuck in my daydream, I don't even notice the bell. I don't even realize a person is trying to catch my attention until I hear my own name.

"Huh?" I jump up and my eyes meet with the familiar brown pair from earlier. The brown eyes of Shikamaru Nara. I lay my head on the counter, looking away from him. "I doubt you're here to buy flowers," I sigh.

"Thank you," he says softly. I almost didn't hear him. 

"For what?"

"Paying for the flower for Kurenai and Mirai," he explains.

"It didn't cost much," I shrug.

"Yeah, whatever," Shikamaru sighs, leaning across the counter. "Come eat with us." His voice is louder than before.

"I'm busy tonight, I told you that."

"Well, Ino just gave you the rest of the day off, and according to her, you are supposed to get off today in two hours. I think you'll still have enough time for your date." _Dammit._ I attempt to respond with a quick lie but Shikamaru easily sees through my panic. "You stopped eating again." It's not a question, so I don't respond. My silence seems to confirm it to him and a frustrated sigh escapes his lips. "It's my mistake that I expected you to suddenly start eating again." I don't know how to respond. I know I disappointed him.

"Yeah..." I breathe, feeling stupid once the words pass my lips.

Shikamaru pushes off the counter and stands up straight. "If you change your mind, I'll do what I can to help." Then he's gone. 

I don't know how long I stand there, staring at the archway Shikamaru just left through. Ever since I stopped eating again, I thought I was feeling better about myself, but right now I feel like the worst person alive. 

I disappointed my friend.

I decide not to leave early, since there's no reason for me to go anyway. The last thing I want to deal with right now is Touma. Two hours off work is just another two hours with Touma. We don't get any more customers so I start cleaning.

Fifteen minutes before I'm supposed to get off, Ino's mom returns from the garden. She's covered head to toe in dirt. "I'll do the rest, you go home." Mrs. Yamanaka offers. I thank her and hang up my apron. 

I walk as slow as I can back home to avoid running into Touma. I can't be 100% certain if he's working, but he usually doesn't watch me at the flower shop on days he works since he needs to rest more.

About ten minutes pass and my apartment comes in sight, and — _thank god—_ there's no sign of Touma. I feel a huge weight fall off my shoulder. I walk up the stairs to my door without Touma's large body hovering above me. After walking up two flights of stairs, I halt.

I guess I shouldn't have gotten comfortable yet.

Touma was leaning on my door frame. He looked mad. No, that's not right. Touma looked absolutely pissed. 

_I'm not really late... What's wrong?_

"Is everything okay?" My voice quivers a little bit. It terrifies me to see him like this.

"Let's go inside." This is an order, but I am too scared to be in a room alone with him.

"L-let's just talk here," I suggest. Touma shakes his head. His eyes are dark again. I don't want to be alone with him. I take a step back. "We can talk here, Touma." 

In two large strides, he's directly in front of me and his hand is in my back pocket. He pulls out my keys and I try to grab them, but he holds them too high. I jump and I still can't even touch them. I curse myself for being too short, or maybe him for being too tall.

"I said we're talking inside." He turns around and unlocks my door. He opens it and waits for me to walk in. I shake my head.

"You're scaring me, Touma." I can feel the pure hate from Touma. He walks up to me and grips my hair and covers my mouth, predicting my cry. He drags me in the house with a grip on my hair. He kicks the door closed once we're inside and throws me on the couch.

"Got something to hide?" he snarls. I shake my head. I haven't done anything wrong. "How was Shikamaru?" He towers over me, making me feel even smaller. 

"He came in as a customer." I can't cry. If I cry he'll doubt me. "He was getting flowers for his sensei." I hope Touma believes me, but Touma grabs my chin roughly forcing me to look at him. The pissed-off glint in his eye tells me he doesn't believe a word I say.

"He didn't leave with flowers, you fucking liar," he spits. _Shit, I forgot I saw Shikamaru just a couple of hours ago._

"O-oh, he was thanking me for paying for a flower for his sensei's wife and daughter." I'm telling nothing but the truth, but Touma's palm hits my cheek. I hear the sound before I feel the slap. I feel hot wet tears slowly begin to escape.

"Tell me the fucking truth," he demands.

"I am!" I sob loudly, tears finally breaking through. He slaps me again. I feel it this time.

"Pipe the fuck down," he hisses in a violent whisper.

"P-please believe me," I sniffle and cover my face. "You c-can check. I was ju-just treating him as a customer."

"You already lied to my face once, why would I believe you?" He pulls one of my hands away from my face. I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to see the disgust on his face.

"He came in this m-morning. He bought flowers then," I cry. 

When Touma doesn't say a word, I peek squint to see his face, covered in confusion. Touma then begins unbuttoning my pants, pulling them down the second the last button was unbuttoned. I let him check all he needs to. Anything for him to believe me.

"You aren't swollen," he admits, with lingering anger in his voice. "But I warned you." He pulls my pants back up without buttoning them. "You could've let someone else deal with him. You _wanted_ to talk to him." 

He isn't entirely wrong. If I'd really wanted to, I could've gone out back and asked Mrs. Yamanaka to handle him for me. I could've stopped myself from daydreaming so I could've seen him before he walked in. I wanted to talk to Shikamaru.

"I'm sorry, Touma."

"Maybe Shikamaru isn't the problem," he begins. "It's you. You wanted to use him as an excuse to be a fatass. You're getting fat for a guy with a girlfriend. His girlfriend is probably better than you, so he would never take a second look at you. I shouldn't be trying to keep Shikamaru away from you, but you away from Shikamaru." _What's the fucking difference?_

Touma pushes himself off of me and paces the room, brainstorming about something that only makes my blood turn ice cold. He stops pacing, and it feels like my heart stops. He's decided something.

"You're quitting your job," he decides.

"What? I need my job to pay for-"

"You're going to live with me."

"No," I refuse. "I'm not your property, you can't decide my life like that." It takes Touma one large step to be on top of me holding me down. He's using both of his arms to pin me down. I struggle against them, but it's useless.

"You're _my_ girlfriend, no one else's." 

I attempt to yell but before I can make a sound his fist connects with my cheek. He changes positions and wraps his arm around my throat. I claw at his arm but he doesn't budge. The black dots I've gotten used to begin to swarm my vision.

_Am I dying or passing out? What is he trying to do? I'm such a fucking idiot. I should've just told Ino about this before. I should've gone to dinner with Shikamaru, Choji, and Ino. I never should've gone on a date with Touma. I should've just kept ignoring him. Why do I always have to try to please people? Why can't I do one thing for my-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowkey hate this rewrite at the end. hope yall like it doe <3  
> also i passed half of my ged so that's pretty cool


	11. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two in a day cuz this one's short.

_**Day 1** _

_**Mira Tanaka** _

Ouch. I bring my hand to touch my sore cheek but it stings the moment I touch it. I hiss at the sharp pain. I try to open my eyes but it's bright. I keep the curtains closed, so why are they open? _I am not in my house,_ I realize. My house is not this bright. Memories from last night suddenly flood in and my blood runs cold.

I'm hesitant to open my eyes but force myself to anyway, blinded by the sunlight shining through the window. I roll over and bury my face into the pillow. I hear a throaty male voice make a low moan beside me. _I'm in Touma's bed._ I slowly open my eyes again, turning to look at what I fear the most. Touma's sleeping next to me. I can tell he's shirtless. _He didn't... right?_ I move my hands down and feel my pants. I let out an exhale of relief. 

I can tell it's the middle of the day. How the hell did I sleep so long?

The aching pain on my cheek reminds me that I need to leave. Touma isn't safe. I'll go to Ino's and beg for her to let me live with her. I'll work at the flower shop and make sure Ino's always around.

I slowly roll off the bed. A small sound leaves his lips and I freeze. I wait for his breath to become steady again and carefully make my way to the door. I turn around to make sure Touma is still sound asleep. I turn the doorknob slowly when I see his chest rise and fall as normal. I'm out! I pull the door open.

_Clink!_

The sound is like nails against a chalkboard. The door only opens a few inches before a chain stops it from opening any further. I look up and see the gold chain guard. I slowly close the door, my blood suddenly pumping. I reach up to grab the chain to unhook it, but a hand cups over my mouth and pulls me back.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Mira?" he seethes, pulling me back to the bed. He's clearly angry, but he's groggy because he just woke up. I thrash my body to get out of his hold, but his grip only gets tighter until it starts to hurt.

"I need to go to work," It wasn't entirely a lie. I'm definitely late.

"You don't work there anymore." 

My anger starts to build. "Ino will notice I'm gone if I don't go in," I argue, feeling too confident. He tangles his fingers in my hair and yanks back. A small whimper escapes my lips. 

"Don't you worry, love," he soothes menacingly, running a cold chill down my spine. His hand that was in my hair traces down from the back of my head to the back of my neck, holding it firmly. "It's already being dealt with." He forces two pills down my throat.

**_ Ino Yamanaka _ **

Mira's worked at the flower shop for over a month, and not one of those days was she late. It's been hours, and she still hasn't shown up. Mom told me she showed up late yesterday as well. It's out of character for her, but she's looked sick recently, so I let it go. 

However, every hour that passes I begin to worry a little more. It's almost 3 pm, yet not so much as a sign from her. If she needs the day off, wouldn't she come by and tell me?

She didn't come out to eat with us last night either, even though I told her she could get off early. Shikamaru said she didn't want to come, but she's never been so reclusive before. I don't know what it is, but something about her seems especially off lately. She's been tripping over her feet, dozing off, and complaining about being cold.

_She must be really sick. I'll stop by her house after work to check on her._

_Ding!_

"Hi, Wel-" I cut myself off when I see my dark-haired teammate walk inside. "What do you need, Shikamaru?" I groan, breaking out of my voice I use for customers. Shikamaru doesn't walk past the entrance.

"The Hokage wants you." 

"Does he need me right now?" I whine. "Mira didn't show up for work today. I'm the only one running the shop."

Shikamaru's eyebrows knit together. "Is she sick?" he asks, not acknowledging my question. I fight back the urge to roll my eyes.

I shrug. "Must be," I respond.

Shikamaru straightens up, going back to what he came here for. "Well, Kakashi wants to see you now."

"Ugh!" I groan, taking off my apron. I grab the 'closed' sign from under the desk to hang it up on the window.

"You haven't had a mission in a while," Shikamaru observes.

"I asked Kakashi to give me some time since _I_ have to run the shop." I explain, hanging up the sign that says 'closed' a little too aggressively. _Dammit, Mira! Why today do you have to be sick?_ I storm out, not holding the door for Shikamaru. Shikamaru huffs and mutters something about women. I've learned to ignore his snide little comments.

I spot a large man in my path so I move to the side to let him pass. To my surprise, he speeds up and realization dawns on me when he raises his fist. I move to stop him but I'm shoved out of the way. That tall build, it must be Touma. I watch his fist come down, aiming for Shikamaru's jaw.

"Shik-" Before my eyes, Shikamaru dodges Touma smoothly. Touma stumbles and turns around with hate in his eyes.

Touma grabs Shikamaru by the collar. Although Touma is much taller and bigger in size, Shikamaru seems unfazed. "Where is she, you fucking prick?"

"Who? Mira?" Shikamaru's expression turns confused. Touma looks at Shikamaru like he's an insect he needs to crush. Yet, for some reason, Shikamaru doesn't look angry at all. If anything, he appears to be concerned.

"I know she's with you," Touma glowers, his grip tightening. "Stop acting dumb."

"Is she not home?" I stupidly ask. Touma's hateful glare focuses on me.

"Do you think I would be here if she was home? She didn't come home last night and I know she was with _you._ " His head snaps back to Shikamaru. Shikamaru's eyebrows deepen in confusion or concern, I can't make it out.

"I haven't seen her," Shikamaru denies.

"Bullshit!" Touma yells. "You cheaters just love to lie, don't ya?" _Does Touma think Shikamaru and Mira are hooking up?_

"Shikamaru wouldn't do that!" I defend, earning an annoyed glare from both of them. Shikamaru turns back to Touma, with an equally hateful glare now.

"How insecure are you of your _dick_ that you have to assume your 'girlfriend' is sleeping with other people?" Shikamaru snaps. " _I haven't seen her,_ " he enunciates. Touma's hand lets go of Shikamaru's shirt and he raises his fist again. This time, instead of dodging, Shikamaru catches his fist with his hand.

"Just admit it, you fucking prick."

"I have nothing to admit, dumbass." I haven't seen Shikamaru like this in a long time. He was genuinely _pissed._ "Are you saying she has been missing since last night and instead of looking for her, you've been looking for _me_?" Shikamaru scoffs, pushing Touma off him. Touma doesn't attack Shikamaru this time. 

Shikamaru's eyes, still filled with anger, look at me. "I'm gonna have to report this to Kakashi immediately," he utters. Without another word, he walks off in the direction of the Hokage's residence. I watch Touma so I can make sure he doesn't go after him, and then I run after Shikamaru. I could've sworn I'd seen a small smile on Touma's lips, but pass it off as just me seeing things.

I follow Shikamaru all the way into Kakashi's office. Before Kakashi can even look up from his work, Shikamaru begins.

"Mira Tanaka from Tonaki is missing." Kakashi's eyes bolt up.

"She's what?" Kakashi says in disbelief.

"She's missing," Shikamaru repeats. Kakashi lifts his hands to rub his forehead. I hear him mumble, but I can't make out any particular words.

"God, we're going to be in deep shit for this," Kakashi curses, looking up to give Shikamaru his full attention. "When was she last seen?"

"I'm unsure, she didn't arrive home last night, according to her boyfriend." I'm not sure if it was obvious to anyone else, but when Shikamaru said 'boyfriend' it held a bit of hostility. I'd love to ask Mira right now what the tension between them is so bad for.

"She was working at the flower shop yesterday," I cut in. "She should've gotten off at six. My mom was working with her too." Kakashi's eyes fly from Shikamaru to me, who apparently he hadn't noticed before.

"Shikamaru, go get Ino's mom. Ino, stay here." Shikamaru takes his leave quickly and I'm left alone with Kakashi. 

I haven't been on a mission in months. When Mom suddenly disappeared, it was up to me to keep up the shop. The shop doesn't bring a whole lot of business, especially in the winter, but I wasn't going to let the shop go under on my watch. Of course, now I'm in this sticky situation.

"Hi," I force out a laugh.

"I've given you as much time as I can, but it's time to start going on missions again," Kakashi tells me, straight to business as usual. I wonder what it must be like to be Shikamaru and just watch him read erotica all day. 

I nod to say I understand. Kakashi gives me a simple B-rank mission with a few chunins to start myself back up. My friend is missing and now there's no one to run the shop. I can't help with searching for her or keep the shop open. I really am completely useless. Shikamaru's been under a lot of stress recently, and this definitely isn't helping. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter should be longer. also ik it's weird how they're named numbers but it says chapter i will never in my life name a chapter sorry


	12. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me uploading for the third time in two days because someone told me the theme made them shiver and it boosted my ego

**_ Day 3 _ **

**_ Mira Tanaka _ **

Today is the second day I've watched the sunrise from Touma's window. Touma is slowly calming down and going back to his nice self, which is a huge relief. However, he quit his job to make sure I don't leave. I don't know how he's going to pay for his bills but I couldn't be less concerned. 

When he does leave the house, he shoves two pills in my mouth and makes me swallow them. He won't leave until I'm passed out. I think they're sleeping pills because, despite my situation, I'm sleeping great. Touma makes me take them at night now too. Even if I wake up before him, the side effects plus my inability to walk well as it is makes it impossible to get up.

My body feels all out of order. I'm sleeping too much and not eating at all. Even if I wanted to eat, I'll just throw it back up. Touma tried to feed me soup yesterday after I complained about my stomach cramping, but I vomited on him the second the warm liquid slid down my throat. That's unfortunately how I learned Touma has a phobia of vomit.

I've started wishing that I had been eating more before this happened. It's been four days since I've eaten a thing —besides the failed attempt at eating soup— and my dizzy spells are worse than ever before. I fall down making simple short trips to the bathroom. The thought of it reminds me of the uncomfortable full feeling in my bladder.

The bathroom is maybe only ten feet away, but it feels like a mile. I glance over at Touma, who's sleeping beside me. I don't know how he'd react to me waking him up this early, but I _really_ have to pee. _Man up, Mira._ I huff and push myself up, immediately surrounded by black dots clouding my vision. I put my feet on the floor and slowly push myself up. 

_Alright, now... stand up._ I put all my weight on my two feet. 

_Nope._

My knees start to wobble and before I hit the floor, I catch myself on the bed. _Guess this is the only option left._ I slowly let myself fall to the floor, propping myself up on my hands and knees. I crawl my way to the bathroom successfully. I close the door and let a long breath out. I grab the counter to pull myself up to sit on the toilet. 

I'm only wearing my bra and underwear because Touma's washing my clothes. I told him to pick up clothes from my apartment, but he said he didn't trust me enough. So here I am, half-naked, trying to _sit on a toilet._

_Mission successful._ I finally feel the pressure on my bladder ease away and I feel a wave of relief. I haven't been able to drink water much either. My stomach just won't handle anything. Once I'm finished I use the counter to pull myself back down.

I hear the bed outside the bathroom squeak. Touma makes a small grunt, and I hear him call out my name. "Mira?" Touma says hoarsely with a twinge of panic. I crawl to the door. I hear the heavy thumps of Touma's feet against the floor. _Don't be angry, don't be angry._ I grab the door handle and twist it open, revealing a dressed Touma. Touma's shocked eyes fall on me, and he breaks into a smile. He comes to me and crouches down to wrap his arms around me.

"I thought you left me," Touma worries, holding me tightly. "I was about to run through the streets looking for you. I'm so glad you stayed, Mira." Touma pulls back and kisses me. It's been a while since he's done this. I don't bother closing my eyes or even attempting to kiss back. 

_If I'd had just waited twenty more seconds he would've left, and I could've run away. I'm never getting away from him._

"I'm sorry I scared you," I apologize. I've stopped fighting back against him. It's best for me to just give in and pretend this is okay. Otherwise, I get myself hurt. If I'm gonna be stuck in here, I'd prefer to deal with this version of Touma. The bruises are almost gone, and I'd like it to stay that way.

"Don't be, love," he whispers soothingly. He hooks his arm underneath my knees and picks up my half-naked body with ease. I wonder how much I weigh now. A part of me is interested, but the other part of me is scared.

Although I don't know when I'll see Shikamaru again, I still feel like every meal I skip is an insult to him. 

**_ Day 4 _ **

**_ Choji Akimichi _ **

"Where the hell could she have gone?" Shikamaru paces. 

When I came back to the village, Mira had refused to eat with us, and now she's missing. It's been more than a week since I last saw her, and I had felt then that something might be up. Something about her seemed unlively. 

"Maybe she left the village?" I suggest, knowing Shikamaru will doubt it. It's a theory I considered quite a bit. Perhaps she just got really homesick and ran away. It would explain why she seemed lost in her thoughts before.

"No one saw anybody leaving the village last night. Besides, she has friends here. I don't think she'd just leave without saying a word or leaving even a message," Shikamaru doubts, just as I had expected him to. I don't believe he's thinking rationally. It wouldn't be the first time someone left the village and their friends behind without a word. I decide to drop it.

"Her apartment was checked head-to-toe, they talked to the woman who worked the front desk that night, and they've asked nearly everyone in the village. There isn't much else we can do, Shikamaru." It's harsh but it's the truth. Today marks the fourth day she's been gone. With not a single hint as to what happened to her, it's unlikely we'll ever know.

"They don't have any pictures of her, they're all just describing her. It's too vague. There are many other skinny girls in Konoha with black hair."

"Her eyes stand out," I put in. Shikamaru stops pacing and shrugs.

"They do, but people may not have seen her that close." Shikamaru finally sits down on his couch, burying his face in his hands. He lets out a frustrated groan. He's been keeping himself up stressing out about this. I'm worried about Mira just as much, but I'm sure she wouldn't want him doing this to himself.

"Don't stress yourself out too much, I'm sure she's fine." I attempt to comfort him, but it results in a low scoff from Shikamaru.

"She's an idiot," Shikamaru utters. "If someone hasn't killed her then she probably did something to accidentally kill herself."

"You're too pessimistic," I sigh. 

Shikamaru's eye bags are getting bad. He's exhausted. He's overworking himself. If he continues like this, he'd going to isolate himself again.

"Why don't you go to the Sand for a bit?" I offer. "You don't need to hold all of this on your shoulders." Shikamaru immediately shakes his head before I even finish. "C'mon, just spend a few days with Temari. It'll be good for you," I push.

Shikamaru's silent for a moment. "Things aren't great between us right now," he confides, lifting his face from his hands. "Seeing her might just make it worse." Shikamaru's expression stays emotionless like it doesn't bother him. I'm curious to know what's happening between him and Temari, but maybe it's not the right time to ask.

"Oh, sorry," I sympathize. 

"Don't be. Shit happens," he shrugs while cracking his knuckles. I skim the room for any type of distraction. My eyes land on the shogi board and I grin.

"Wanna kick my butt in shogi?" I smile, trying to cheer my friend up. Shikamaru turns his head to the shogi board like it's a chore. I think he's going to say no until I slowly see his head nod. I don't know why Shikamaru is overworking himself so much, but getting his brain working will help, one way or another.

We begin playing and it doesn't take long for Shikamaru to get a lead on me. _I need to challenge him._ I don't have much skill in this game, so I just move random pieces hoping one will toss Shikamaru up. I'm barely paying attention to the game. I'm focusing on Shikamaru's expression.

I don't know what move I make, but Shikamaru's eyebrows knit together and he closes his eyes. His fingertips all connect with each other. He's thinking. He sits there in complete silence for a while. Soon, I realize he's not just figuring out his moves for the game. Though I don't want him to stress about this longer, I let this slide. 

I trust him to do the right move, in real life, and shogi. 

Finally, he opens his eyes. He makes his move and I'm backed into a metaphorical corner. _I wasn't gonna win anyway but I'm definitely not going to win now._

"Let's finish this later," Shikamaru says, standing up. "I gotta go." I smile to myself and nod, pushing myself up as well. I don't know Shikamaru's plan, but he has one. I don't need to ask what his plan is, because I trust him no matter what.

**_ Mira Tanaka _ **

As insane as it probably sounds, I'm getting tired of the nice Touma. I don't miss the pain of dealing with the mean side of him, but being pampered with affection nonstop every day feels like a punishment. I know it's better than being hit, but I just want to be left alone. All I ever do is sleep or be with Touma.

Touma's cuddled up next to me on the couch, skimming his fingers up and down my thighs. I have bruises on my legs, but they aren't from him. I'm not sure what they're from. My knees are bruised from crawling everywhere, but the other ones I haven't got a clue. I assume it's got something to do with my eating, but I don't care either way.

Touma's only gotten more and more touchy by the day. I'm currently wearing his t-shirt, but no pants, leaving my thighs completely exposed to him. He doesn't like my clothes because they 'cover my skin.' I had to convince him for hours to let me borrow a shirt. 

Touma's fingers slip up my inner thigh, higher than before. It stays there for a moment and it clicks in my mind where he wants this going. I push his hand away, and he huffs in disappointment. 

"C'mon, we've been together for weeks now," Touma pushes.

"I'm not ready for that," I declare, leaving no room for argument. Luckily for me, Touma doesn't push sexual things too much. I feel comfortable enough to refuse to have sex with him. Of course, it didn't stop him from trying. 

"Can we make out?" he negotiates. God, I can't imagine anything worse than that, besides actually having sex. How do people actually _enjoy_ kissing? Whether or not Touma's a bad kisser is irrelevant. The act itself completely grosses me out. Mouth connects with another mouth. The same mouth we eat with. Hot wet breaths breathing on each other. It's disgusting.

"I'm not in the mood for it," I reply, earning an annoying huff from Touma. He shuffles beside me and I feel the weight of his head rest on my thighs. I don't know when it changed, but my thighs don't touch at all anymore. Before, there was a small gap, but they still touched at the very top. 

I don't know how much I weigh, but I'm certain it's less than my lowest weight. 

Touma and I both jump when we hear three loud knocks on the front door. In the last few days that I've been here, no one's come over. I can't imagine Touma would invite someone with me here. I glance over and can see Touma's just as unsure of what to do as I am. He glances from me to the door in a panic. The knocks repeat. Touma pulls me up quickly, triggering a dizzy spell. My vision turns black and I feel my feet drag behind me. Touma swears to himself and picks me up, dropping me on the bathroom floor.

"Don't you dare make a _fucking_ sound, got it?" Dark Touma returns. I nod and he closes the door, leaving me alone. Realistically, I can leave any moment I want and call for help, but my shaking limbs remind me I'm absolutely terrified of Touma.

I hear the clink of the chain and the doorknob turning. Then, I hear a familiar voice that gets my heart racing.

**_ Touma Satou _ **

I swing open the door and there in front of me stands the fucking prick himself. What the fuck would he possibly need with me? There's something cocky about the way he's standing, almost like he thinks he's better than me. I'm still more than pissed about his comment from last time. For a guy much shorter than me, he talks big. 

He's even uglier than usual today. He has dark circles under his eyes. If Mira could see him right now, she'd definitely see what I see. I'm not taking the risk, though.

"I need to talk to you," he tells me bluntly. Fucking prick. He could at least ask me if I'm busy, or if I'm available to talk. Selfish self-entitled asshole. I hope Mira can't hear him, but she probably can. If I could leave the apartment to talk to him, I would, but I don't trust Mira enough yet. Hopefully, I can trust her to keep her pretty little mouth shut.

"What?" I try to seem polite but the hatred I'm harboring slips out in my tone. 

"It has to do with Mira's disappearance." I hate when he says her name. He doesn't deserve to say such a beautiful name. He's speaking down on me like I'm a child. I'm probably four or five inches taller than him; I could beat him to a pulp in seconds.

"What about it?" They can't possibly have any leads onto where she is. I didn't leave any evidence that she'd be here. He has no reason to be here.

"You don't seem too worried," Shikamaru accuses. I could feel my body temperature rising as the side of his lips turned up in a smirk. He doesn't look any more worried about her disappearance than I am, and he doesn't know where she is, unlike me. 

"Of course I am!" I bark. He doesn't even flinch. Who the fuck does he think he is? "If you're just here to piss me off, you can leave." I begin to shut the door but Shikamaru catches it before it shuts.

"May I come inside?"

"Why the fuck would I let you in my house?" I bite. I'm holding back as much as I can, but I want to rip his fucking spine out.

"Got something to hide?" Shikamaru's eyes bore into mine. Of fucking course I have something to hide, but not letting him in might just make things worse. _If she makes a fucking sound, I'll kill this asshole._ I open the door and he walks in smugly. 

"We found evidence that Mira was possibly kidnapped by a rogue group of ninjas," he reports, almost causing me to laugh. "Jeez, it's a mess," he complains, kicking a pair of pants out of his way. My blood boils. _I let you into my home, and you insult it?_ "With that evidence, it's likely that she's been killed." This is the guy Mira was so fond of? He believes she's dead yet he looks like he couldn't care less.

"You don't look too upset yourself," I comment snarkily, trying to get a rise out of him. "For her friend, it doesn't look like it bothers you a bit." I bite back a grin, but then he shrugs, not at all affected by what I said. _I wish I could just rip him to shreds._

"For her _boyfriend_ , you don't seem to be upset either," Shikamaru snarks, his face turning even uglier than before. My fists clench and Shikamaru notices, smirking. "Tell me this, which would upset you more? Mira's body was found four miles outside the village brutally disfigured or last week I was between Mira's thighs." Before I even get the chance to think, my fist swings and connects with Shikamaru's jaw.

"You're fucking lying." I spit. He's taken back by the punch at first but quickly regains his composure, quickly making hand signs. I know better than to let him finish his jutsu so I pull his arms back and slam him on the ground, knocking the wind out of him.

"Not worried about her in the slightest, are you?" Shikamaru seethes, showing his true ugly face. "You know where she is, don't you?" I can't help the smirk that crosses my lips.

"You're fucking sick! Mira would never sleep with an ugly shit like you," I shout, feeling laugher building in my throat. Mira never came home swollen. She always looked just right. She wouldn't have slept with him. She couldn't have. She loves me. S _he loves me!_

"Where the hell is she?" Shikamaru's voice turns into a yell. There's no doubt someone will be coming up soon. I need to turn myself into the victim here. _Think of something, Touma._

"Admit that you're fucking lying!" I tighten my grip on his wrists, but he doesn't even flinch. _Tell me you're fucking lying! Mira would never lie to me. She wouldn't cheat on me. She loves me. She's scared of me. She loves me._ A knock sounds at the door. Me and Shikamaru's head snap to the door.

"Excuse me? Is everything okay?" A voice calls out on the other side of the door. Shikamaru opens his mouth to speak but I muffle it with my hand. What I'm about to say is going to be risky, but if I play my cards right I'll get by.

"Get help! A jounin ninja tried to attack me in my home!" I yell, fighting off a smirk. "His name's Shikamaru." In practically no time, two ninjas pushed through the door, analyzing the situation. They look confused, probably because I'm a normal guy pinning down a ninja.

"I had to restrain him because he's already used his jutsu on me before," I explain to the two. They walk over and grab him, finally allowing me to let him go. _For a skinny guy, he sure puts up a fight._ The two ninjas pick him up and begin to take him out of the house. He doesn't struggle against them like he had with me.

"Let me go, I'm not gonna do anything." Shikamaru shakes the ninjas' grip. He turns his head and locks his glare with mine. "I need to report to the Hokage." My blood turns cold in an instant, knowing this was a threat to me. With the ninjas out of sight, I grab the nearest pill bottle, grabbing three pills out of the container.

Opening the door to the bathroom, I find Mira covered in tears. It pisses me off. It pisses me off so fucking much. These tears aren't for me. They're for him. Why is she crying for him? He's not her boyfriend, I am. What has he ever done for her?

"Please, tell me you didn't hurt hi-" I interrupt her by forcing the pills in her mouth. I use my fingers to push the three pills to the back of her throat. She gags but I push them deeper.

"Swallow them," I command, her sad eyes fill with fear. She struggles to swallow them, and I can't really blame her. She's dry swallowing three pills, but she's taking too long. When she swallows I open her mouth to check. She's used to this by now and sticks out her tongue, then curls it back inside so I can check underneath. "Good girl," I praise her, helping her up.

This is going to be extremely risky, and it'll be a miracle if I manage to get away with this. I run out of my apartment with Mira at my side, clearly visible. No one is here yet, so I'm safe now. If I can manage to get upstairs before anyone shows up I'll be fine. Mira began to sob softly. 

_She's so pretty when she cries. Her sobs are like music, but now isn't the time for that._ I cover Mira's mouth with my hand, muffling her cries. _Oh god, it's the same hand I used to shut Shikamaru up. It's like an indirect kiss. This is so disgusting, but I can't worry about that now._

Going up the stairs was going to be a hard task with Mira's recent weakness. She's dragging her feet already. _Fuck it._ I scoop Mira up in my arms and run up the stairs as fast as I can. I'm unable to muffle her sobs anymore, so her weeps were echoing off the walls. I need to hurry up and shut her the fuck up.

I let out a sigh of relief once we're at her front door. I let Mira back onto her legs and turn the knob, silently praising myself for leaving the door unlocked. I rush her inside and push her on her bed. Those sleeping pills won't kick in for a while. I need her out now. 

Mira's eyes widen as I get on top of her. "I'm sorry, love," I say before crashing my fish into her delicate face. It shouldn't take much to knock her out. She can barely handle standing up for too long. Mira lets out a small whimper, making me feel a pang of guilt in my chest. _She's still conscious._ I punch her again, hoping she'll be out so I don't have to hurt her anymore. It destroys me every time I hurt her, especially her beautiful face.

"I- I didn't do anything w-with Shik-" I land another punch, cutting her off. She doesn't make a sound this time, I listen to her breathing. It's steady. Looking down on her, I take in this beautiful sight of her before she bruises. She looks so beautiful underneath me... only if she'd let me love her. My thoughts drift off to the thoughts of Mira's beautiful skinny body completely nude beneath me. 

I want to see her face contort in pain when I move inside of her. I want her body to accept mine. I slide my hand up her shirt, feeling her soft tummy. She hates it for some reason, but her tiny waist is so sexy to me. I trace my fingers down her thighs. They're so beautiful and thin. Her pale skin bruises so easily now, but regardless these perfect little thighs of her have me going crazy. 

I'm snapped out of my daydream by Shikamaru's repulsive comment from earlier. The disgusting feeling from earlier creeps back on me. _Now isn't the time to obsess over your thoughts, Touma. Back to business._

I rush out of the door. I need to make it there before they come back. Mira should be out for a while, so I should have enough time to be there before she wakes up. I make it to my door in time, but I'm a panting mess. I go inside to drink water, and there's a knock at my door. If I can do this, Mira will remain in my possession. 

If I can make them believe I haven't seen Mira since her disappearance, there's no doubt she'll stay mine forever. Not even Shikamaru can take her from me. He wouldn't even be able to pry her from my hands if she was right in front of him. I'm stronger than him. I'm better than him. 

Shikamaru is nothing compared to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was hell to edit. excited to write the next one doe <3


	13. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't going to post this for a few more days but today i spent $12.73 on shikamaru's story so this chapter is in celebration of that :)

**_ Touma Satou _ **

I need a good story now. I can't let them get to her. I can't let that damn Shikamaru get to her. If I do, what he said will become more than an empty lie. That perverted filthy bastard. How dare he talk about someone else's girlfriend so vulgarly in front of them? How would he like it if I talked about his girlfriend in such a way? _Calm down, you idiot._ I'm getting too worked up. 

I open the door to reveal one of the two ninjas that took Shikamaru away. He's an odd-looking man. He's wearing circular shades and the cloth of his headband covers his hair. Something about his posture and expression gives me a hall-monitor vibe. 

"The Hokage would like to speak with you," he relays to me. This is no doubt because of some claim Shikamaru made. I want to refuse, but I have no choice but to cooperate. 

I follow the ninja to the Hokage's residence. He keeps his eyes locked on me, like any moment I'll run away. That would be foolish since it's mid-day. There are dozens of people and ninja all around. 

It's a nice day. This would be a perfect day for a date with Mira if I could trust her more. I miss going on dates with her. Once Tonaki is rebuilt, we'll be safe again. I won't need to worry about another Shikamaru.

We enter the Hokage's office and besides the Hokage, there are three other people there: Shikamaru, the other ninja who took Shikamaru, and the woman who did the wellness check on us. Shikamaru's leaning against the wall behind the Hokage's desk. He doesn't look as smug as before, so I feel a bit more confident that I have this in the bag.

"Touma Satou, right?" The silver-haired Hokage says, looking up at me.

"Yes," I reply as formally as possible. 

"Can you explain what happened?" The Hokage looks bored of this already. All I need is for him to side with me.

I fight back a smirk, knowing my argument will put me in the lead. "Shikamaru told me he had new information regarding Mira's disappearance, so I let him into my house," I begin. The Hokage tilts his head, looking confused. I assume Shikamaru didn't tell him about his plan beforehand. "He said there's evidence that Mira was kidnapped and killed."

"That's-" The Hokage cut himself off, turning his gaze to Shikamaru, who's looking out the window. "That's not true," he finishes.

"I assumed so. He and my girlfriend —Mira— were friends, so I was suspicious when he acted like he didn't care about her being dead. Then, he accused _me_ of not being upset, when I was already suspicious of him." I'm looking at the Hokage, but I can feel Shikamaru's glare digging into me. He's so pissed. He knows I'm winning. I hope he's miserable. "To provoke me, he said something among the lines of 'would it upset you more if your girlfriend was dead or that last week I was having sex with her.'" Everyone's eyes —who were watching me— shift to Shikamaru. 

"Is that true?" the Hokage questions, looking as if he's in disbelief. Shikamaru rubs his temples and nods hesitantly.

"Yeah, something like that," he forces out, clearly embarrassed. Everyone continues to stare at him, waiting for the answer they really want. I hate admitting it, but I want to hear his answer as well. He sighs and gives in. "I haven't done anything like that with Mira." I feel the tension in my chest become relieved.

"Why would you even say that?" The Hokage looks shocked. This must be out of character for Shikamaru, which only makes me angrier for some reason. What is it about Mira that makes him act like this? 

"I knew it would get a rise out of him." Shikamaru turns away from everyone's faces. "I wanted to see what he'd react to. I wasn't thinking it through. I just wanted to make him angry," he confesses. The Hokage's lips turn into a flat line.

"Why though? Why did you go over there in the first place?" the Hokage asks.

"I think he knows where Mira is," Shikamaru begins. "Choji and I have been looking for Mira every day outside of work. I'm sure Ino would be doing the same if she could be here right now. Something about Touma's demeanor made me feel like something was up. He immediately accused me of having her, which was how I found out about her being missing in the first place."

"Why would he accuse you?"

"He seems to have severe jealousy problems, especially when it comes to me. I have a girlfriend, which I'm pretty sure he already knows, but he still accused me. I've seen him get aggressive with her because she and I were hanging out. She became distant after the night she drank with me and Choji, even with Ino." _It wasn't just Shikamaru she drank with? Now I have to worry about two people?_

"How is a man supposed to feel when he finds out she's been trying to gain weight for some other dude?" I butt in, regretting it the moment Shikamaru's face softens. _He's thinking of her. Disgusting pervert._ "The night I was 'aggressive,' she and him were having dinner together. I held her wrist a bit tight because I don't trust Shikamaru." Now, to the part that will get him in trouble. "Mira had no issue with the way I acted that night. He did something that made me unable to move, but she told him to let me go. We went home, and that was it." The Hogake leans over his desk. 

"This is making it difficult to defend you, Shikamaru," the Hokage says with a tinge of frustration. Shikamaru bites the inside of his cheek and looks down. For a moment, I think he's finally realized he's lost, but he picks his head back up confidently.

"Mira has an eating disorder," he announces to the few people in the room. "I wanted her to eat because she was starving herself and underweight. Shizune saw for herself." The woman's face reddens as all the attention in the room shifts to her.

"S-she is very thin, weighing in at 98 pounds," she tells us, tightening her grip on the pink pig she's carrying. "She told me she eats all the time but just doesn't gain weight. Looking at her old medical records though, she used to be overweight in high school." When she finishes speaking, the focus returns to Shikamaru.

"Mira began to eat normally until she and Touma became 'official.' Her skin got pale and Ino said she was sitting down a lot and getting dizzy." Shikamaru's cockiness from early is back, making my blood heat up.

"Are you accusing me of making her starve herself?" I bite.

"I'm stating the timeline, Touma," Shikamaru shot back. "It may be just a coincidence that Mira started going back to her old eating habits, but the night you and I met, you wouldn't even take her leftovers." _Sorry for being preoccupied with trying to get her away from you._ "I had even said that she hadn't eaten in two days, but your jealousy matters more than your anorexic girlfriend." I can feel the blood in my veins boil. _I want to kill this piece of shit._

"Regardless, Shikamaru, it's inexcusable for you to use your shadow possession on him," the Hokage finally speaks up. "Not to mention, telling him false information about his girlfriend's disappearance for your own satisfaction. If he tells any of the higher-ups in Tonaki about it, we could get in serious trouble with them, and we've already lost one of their people." _Finally, this sick fuck will get what he deserves! Fire his ass!_ "You'll be on suspension for two weeks," he frowns. Shikamaru nods, implying that he understands. _Suspension?! That's barely a punishment!_

"Sir, I-" I start but am cut off instantly.

"This isn't up for debate," the silver-haired man warns. "You aren't entirely off the hook either. We're going to have to look into this." He waves over the two ninjas from earlier, speaking in a quiet voice so I'm unable to hear. I watch the side of Shikamaru's lips turn up. The two ninjas nod and walk out the door behind me.

"Shikamaru, you should go home," the Hokage says to him.

"When can I go home?" I speak up.

"After your apartment is checked thoroughly," he replies in a deadpan voice. A mild feeling of panic courses through my body. Sure, I got her out, but there's proof that she has been to my house.

"W-well, some of Mira's clothes will be there," I say, trying to come up with a good lie. "We were sleeping together." Shikamaru's footsteps behind me cease. I turn around only to see an oncoming fist aimed at my face. I don't have any time to react so I have no other choice but to take the hit. He's stronger than he looks. The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth.

"Shikamaru!" the Hokage and woman call out simultaneously. Shikamaru ignores them and yanks me down by my collar to his height. I feel something warm and wet drip from my nose. For a smaller guy, he's not bad at punching.

"Mira didn't even like kissing you, she never would have slept with you," Shikamaru fumes, letting his grip on my shirt go. He glares at me for a moment longer then leaves without another word.

The Hokage, who seemed half-asleep this whole time, stands up and profusely apologizes to me while the woman treats my bleeding nose. They're both talking to me, but I couldn't process any of it. My mind is too hung up on Shikamaru's final words to me before he left. _'Mira didn't even like kissing you.'_

Did Mira tell him that? She never complained about us kissing before. She doesn't ever make the first move but I always brushed it off as her being shy. Could it be that she genuinely hates when I kiss her?

The Hokage keeps blabbering to me but it all sounds like gibberish. I want to see Mira right now. I need her out of this village, away from her old friends. Back home, we can live together and I won't need to worry about Shikamaru or whoever the hell Choji is. I'll be able to take care of her. Things will be better when we're home.

—

The hours ticked by slowly, my anxiety increasing by the second. Six hours passed when they finished searching my apartment. Besides her clothes in the dryer, they found nothing that suggested that anyone else had been there. They concluded she couldn't have been there since it was only one outfit of hers. I'm glad I didn't bring her clothes when she had asked.

Mira should be waking up any time now if she isn't already awake. Running back home might seem suspicious but it's taking everything in me to not break out into a sprint and wrap my arms around Mira. I decided while waiting that we'll stay at her apartment for a while to be safe. They're finished investigating for the most part, so I can't see why they'd ever go to her room again.

As much as I want to hug and kiss her, I can't help but think about the things Shikamaru said today. It's not like it's her fault he said what he did, but I can't help but feel angry. Every time I close my eyes, I see her letting Shikamaru do vile things to her body. It makes me want to tear myself apart every time I think about it.

Finally, inside the building, I begin to jog without even realizing it. _Please be inside, Mira. I'm begging you._ I open the door to her apartment and immediately relax. The fragile thin body asleep on her bed confirms that she's still there, still asleep. Her half-nude chest rises and falls with each breath she takes.

I proceed further into the room and slip under the blanket beside her. I run my fingers over her cold thin thighs. She's lost weight since we first began dating, I'm not stupid enough to ignore that. It's not like I'm starving her; I even tried to feed her but she kept getting sick. I trace the line of her underwear with my finger. I prefer skinny girls anyway, so if she wants to get skinny _for me_ , I'm okay with it.

I push her hair out of her face with my finger. From her eyebrow down to her cheekbone is bruised. I feel waves of guilt pass through me. I know I had to do it, but I feel bad for bruising such a pretty face. I get off the bed and look for an ice pack in her fridge. I'm unable to find one, so I put a few cubes in a hand towel. The moment I press the cold towel to her face, she stirs awake.

** _Mira Tanaka_ **

Something cold touching my cheek wakes me up. I open my eyes slowly, expecting sunlight but the only light is from the lamp beside me. _My lamp._ Touma's eyes soften. I'm here with him, and it looks like he wasn't caught... but why does he look so sad? He runs his thumb over my eyebrow softly. Even though he barely grazes it, it stings.

"I'm sorry for hitting you," he apologizes. "I wasn't mad at you, I was just trying to get you to sleep." I think back to Touma hitting me and the pain from him grazing my eyebrow makes sense. I feel the pounding in my head and make the mistake of sitting up. My body feels so heavy it's like I'm being pushed down.

"I have..." I point to my kitchen, "...pain pills on the counter." Touma picks up my hand and puts my hand over the hand towel so I can hold the ice pack. He leaves for a moment to walk to the kitchen. Before he grabs the bottle, he finds a cup and fills it with water. When he comes back, he helps me sit up and hands me three pills. I put them in my mouth and Touma presses the cup against my lips, tipping it back. 

I can't wrap my head around him. Only a few hours ago he was punching me to make me pass out, and now he's treating the pain he caused me. He must truly feel bad for hurting me. Touma —in this state— truly does care about me. He respects that I don't want to do anything sexual and showers me with affection. I wish I could love Touma like he wants me to, but I am terrified of Touma's other side.

"Thank you." I try to curl my lips up into a smile but the idea of moving has my head pounding. Touma smiles softly and leans in close to my face. I furrow my brows in confusion when he hesitates for a second, and then moves to the side to kiss my cheek. H _e was going in to kiss me. Why did he change his mind?_

"It's no problem, love," he purrs. Touma helps lay me down slowly. "I won't do that again," he mumbles while running his fingers softly over my bruises. I don't believe that, but I think Nice Touma does. 

"What happened while I was sleeping?" I ask curiously, not acknowledging his false promise. Touma grins, but it's not that happy.

"He got suspended," he tells me, running his hands through my hair. "I wish that I had made you sleep sooner. I can't stop thinking about the disgusting ways he talked about you." His eyebrows deepen a little. "To imply that you've done something like that... I'm sure you heard it."

"Yeah," I whisper, trying to remember the words spewed between them. When I heard him say that, it threw me off. I've never heard Shikamaru talk about sex like that. I understood what he was doing, but hearing him say that made me flustered.

A broken sob escapes Touma's lips, snapping me out of my thoughts. I raise my eyes to his to see tears running down his cheeks. I lift a hand to wipe them away but he does it first, covering his face.

"I've tried so hard to be good enough for you," he sniffs through sobs. "You don't even like kissing me, yet you blush when you think about him."

"I-I'm not blushing!" I counter, putting my hands on my cheeks to cool down the heat. The ice pack I held falls to the floor. "It just embarrassed me when he said it"

"So... you really don't like kissing me," he says in a defeated tone, uncovering his eyes. "You even told _him_ you don't." He rubs underneath his swollen eyes, removing evidence of any tears. Shikamaru told him. 

Dammit, if I ever see him again I'm gonna kick him.

"It's not you specifically," I spew out, not really thinking. "I just don't like the act itself. It's not that I hate kissing _you._ "

"What do you hate about it?" he inquires.

"I... just think it's kinda gross," I admit. "We eat with the mouths we kiss with, don't you think that's weird?" His expression tells me it's never something he's even considered.

"I haven't thought about it," Touma shrugs. Normal people probably don't. "So that's what he meant when he said I was bad at something that night. I didn't know he was talking about kissing, but it makes sense because it was right after I kissed you."

"Well, that's what he thinks, but I don't know."

"Should I stop kissing you?" There was something heartbroken about Touma's voice. His eyes were practically begging me to say no. I hate doing it, but I don't want to hurt him. Especially not this version of him. Even if I tell him no, what if kissing just becomes a punishment like hitting me is? I'd rather be kissed by someone who treats my wounds than someone who causes them. 

I guess I hit the jackpot getting both.

"It's fine," I say. Touma's face lights up instantly. "It isn't that big of a deal."

Touma puts one of his hands behind my head and pulls our faces close together. Before he kisses me, three words —barely audible— leave his lips. "I love you."

...

_What?_

Touma pushes our lips together but my brain is too scrambled to kiss back. Love? This soon? It's been... two weeks? Maybe three? In all honesty, I'm not sure. The sleeping pills have my sense of date and time all sorts of fucked up. I know I haven't been here for long, but I'm not sure how many days. Either way, it is _way_ too soon for that.

Touma props himself over my body, deepening the kiss. He slides his tongue against my lips and pushes its way into my mouth. I feel his crotch against my leg, and the longer the kissing goes on, he rubs it against my leg more and more. I can feel what's in there begin to harden.

"P-please..." Touma begs softly through strangled breaths. "Just touch me. We don't have to have sex." He pulls back to examine my face, which I'm sure looks as terrified as I feel. Touma's clouded eyes look pained, and I wish I could help him. Tears start to spill from my eyes.

"I can't," I whimper. Touma hangs his head down in disappointment.

"Yeah, I should've expected that," he says with a bit of a laugh. He rolls over next to me. "I can't be too upset. I'm sure one day it'll happen." I nod fast and he chuckles. "Let's try to get some sleep. Don't worry about it."

"I just woke up, though," I point out.

Touma's eyebrows furrow like he's thinking about something. "The sleeping pills are back at my house," he mumbles to himself. Touma turns to me with a pleading expression. "Promise me you won't leave while I'm sleeping, Mira." My heart stung. Touma looked like a lost child. He's so fragile and gentle right now. 

"I promise," I vow. Touma grins and plants a soft kiss on my forehead, his lips bringing me comfort for the first time.

Even if I tried to leave, I can't get far right now. However, Touma's getting better. He's becoming kinder. If I play my cards right, maybe he'll let me outside again.

It sounds like low hanging fruit, but it's the best I can hope for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rly hope you guys are enjoying this LOL  
> i'm gonna try to go back to only uploading once or twice a week cuz i haven't been writing future chapters bc of this


	14. thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a week oops.  
> i don't like my writing this chapter.  
> uh anyways tw for violence & sexual assault i suppose

**_ Day 11 _ **

I'm not sure how long it's been anymore. The days are all fused together because of the sleeping pills. It's not like I have much to complain about anymore, though. I'm wearing my clothes —specifically my own— again. When I need to eat, there are things I like. I'm still around Touma 24/7 of course, but being home makes me feel safer in a sense. Touma has gotten less touchy since I started wearing my own clothes again, which is a big plus.

I can't say that life is better by any means, but it's manageable. I try not to think about it. If I do, my heart throbs from how much I miss my friends. I didn't know those three for a long time, but I miss them. I miss Ino's silly ramblings and her complaints about people I don't know. I miss Choji announcing he's hungry and his carefree laughter when someone said something funny. I miss...

Another sharp pang shoots through my chest as I think about Shikamaru. He was the last person I saw before this happened, besides Ino's mom. I heard his voice through the door when he came here, seemingly interrogating Touma about me. I wanted nothing more but to run up to him and hug him, but I was too scared.

I'm well aware that it's my fault Shikamaru got suspended. I could've opened the door or called out to him. Shikamaru would've heard me. He would've saved me. I wouldn't be stuck with Touma in this small apartment right now if I hadn't been such a coward.

_But what if Touma grabbed me before Shikamaru could? I'm already sore all the time. The bruises barely get the chance to heal before Touma hurts me again._

It's only given me comfort knowing that Shikamaru was concerned about me. I hadn't realized it until then, but Touma led me to believe that none of my friends cared about me. If I get the chance, I'd like to say goodbye to them before I go. I probably won't get the chance, but it's a nice thought.

The large body beside me in bed stirs awake, a low groan escaping his lips as he digs his nose into my neck. I ignore the uncomfortable sensation of his breath on my neck and look down on the half-asleep man beside me.

"Good morning," Touma mumbles groggily. He tightens his hold around my waist.

"You're up earlier than usual," I observe.

Touma's eyes flutter open and stare at me. "Am I?" he yawns. "Can you make me breakfast?" He loosens his grip around me, making me breathe a little easier.

"No problem," I reply with a smile. 

I pull away from Touma and slowly ease myself onto my feet. I've been walking better since I've been eating a little more since coming back home. I'm not eating nearly as much as I used to, but it's better than the nothing I was eating back at Touma's. Touma told me my body is perfect now since I've lost all the weight I've gained. I don't agree with him.

I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore, because the reflection scares me. How am I supposed to feel when I don't recognize the person in front of me? Proud or disappointed? My cheeks, which were puffy before, are starting to sink in. I don't look like myself anymore. Would anyone even recognize me now?

Touma didn't like the food I have here, so he brought some food from his house. I pull out eggs from the fridge and begin the process of making him scrambled eggs. Before I knew how to make my own food, Mom would make me this every morning. I don't think my eggs will be as good as hers. 

The moment I finish, Touma's right behind me to grab the plate, kissing me on the cheek as a thank you. "Mm, I could get used to this," he hums, taking another bite. "Just think about it, in a week we'll be doing this at _my_ house."

My heartbeat pauses. "We're going back to your apartment?" I ask more gloomy than I had intended. 

He squints at me, but his eyes widen as if a lightbulb went off in his head. "I forgot to tell you, didn't I? Well, it only took nearly two months but they're almost finished rebuilding the village. We're supposed to leave in a week or so," Touma speaks casually, but then again, this isn't a terrifying moment for him. If I go back _with_ him, I'll be stuck with him forever.

"Aren't I still technically missing? How will I leave too? Don't you think it'll look weird if I suddenly show up when we leave together?" I question, hoping to find a loophole. It's not like he can tell the village he miraculously found me, but he can't sneak me out either. 

"Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but don't worry about it. I'll figure something out," he soothes, looking at me thoughtfully.

A nervous sigh leaves my lips unconsciously, which Touma doesn't miss. But he doesn't look like he's angry at me; he looks sad.

"Mira," he sympathizes, attempting to sound empathetic to the situation he put me in. "You knew this is how things were going to end. We can't stay here forever, love." It's the truth, but it's my worst nightmare.

"I didn't think it'd be this soon," I admit, fighting back tears. Touma's hurt expression doesn't stop the next words from spilling out of my mouth. "Without a goodbye," I whisper, and I'm not sure whether or not Touma hears it, but I don't care either way.

I don't care how it makes me look. I trudge over to the bed Touma and I share and wrap myself in the cool, comforting sheets. I won't be able to fall asleep, but until I do, I'll wallow in self-pity.

**_ Da _ ** **_ y 12 _ **

Touma said we're leaving next Friday, which doesn't help considering I stopped keeping track of the days of the week after only a few days. If today's Friday, then we'd be leaving in a week, but today could be Saturday and it would be a little less than two weeks. From anywhere between thirteen to seven days, my life will be handed directly into Touma's care.

I care about Touma, despite the situation I'm in. He's a good person most of the time. He has this childlike innocence about him that makes me feel like I need to protect him. I don't want to hurt Touma, but I don't want to be with him. And that's something that will inevitably hurt him.

I know he's noticed the way I've been acting since what he told me yesterday. I didn't mean to, but I think my attitude has put him on edge. We've both been different.

It's my apartment, so there's no TV to distract us from the tense silences filling the room. The quiet is almost ear-splitting. It's even made me eat more than usual so I can keep my mouth busy. I hadn't realized that having those sweet moments with Touma eased my anxiety. Isn't that a good thing?

Touma's petty silence towards me has me feeling like he'll break any moment now. When he does speak, he comes off cold. I feel like I'm in dangerous territory when I speak to him. What if he hits me again? The bruise on my face from when he knocked me out is almost completely gone, and I don't miss it. 

I unintentionally flinch when I see Touma stand up from the corner of my eye. I carefully watch him go to the bathroom as if he'll change his direction at the last moment. When the white door clicks shut behind him, my mind wanders to things I haven't considered in a while.

I could run right now. The front door isn't that far. I could bolt out of that very door and go to the front desk to beg her for help. I could run to the flower shop and tell Ino every little detail of what's happened since I've been gone. I hype myself up too much because when I put my weight on both of my feet, my knees start to wobble. I'm barely able to hold myself up for a few minutes, it's idiotic to think I could _run_.

I hear the toilet flush and turn around just in time to see Touma emerge from the bathroom, his eyes immediately landing on me, who wasn't standing when he left a couple of minutes ago. A cold wave that starts in my neck runs down my spine as he takes a step closer to me.

"What are you doing?" he asks with a stern tone.

I try to smile at him but I'm sure it just makes him more frustrated. "I-I'm hungry, but I'm weaker than usual," I lie, hoping he'll take it and move on. He huffs and grabs my arm, throwing it over his shoulder. With his help, I walk to the kitchen. I turn my head to thank him, but the second his body is out of reach, my knees wobble and I collapse to the floor. 

_Dammit! I've been eating more but they've only gotten worse!_

Touma's eyes narrow down at me. "Are you serious?" he groans in annoyance. 

Tears start to prick at my eyes uncontrollably. _I'm even annoying the guy who basically kidnapped me._ The moment I think it, I feel an immeasurable amount of guilt. I shouldn't say something like what when there are people out there who've been really kidnapped. I'm being insensitive. 

"I'm sorry," I mumble, crawling to the counter to pull myself up.

"Whatever." As he walks away my heart stings. 

It's my fault he's like this right now. I made him upset and now I'm facing the consequences for it. I hesitantly turn to glance at the large man spread across my bed. Maybe I should just let him take out his anger. I can't deal with this any longer. If he hurts me, maybe he'll be nice again. He always apologizes and treats the bruises afterward.

"Touma?" I call out cautiously. His dark eyes land on me, absorbing any confidence I have. He raises an eyebrow when I don't say anything. "U-uh, I'm sorry if I made you mad the other day."

"What makes you think I'm mad?" he deadpans, scooting himself up on the bed into a sitting position. 

"You've been quiet for a couple of days now, and you seem like you're angry with me," I gulp. He tilts his head. "You've... been like this since I got sad about having to go home."

He looks down at his feet, not talking. "Well, you aren't wrong," he begins, his voice making me jump. "But you aren't right either," he confesses, making me even more confused. "I'll admit, I'm mad that you want to see your _'friends'_ because I know _he_ is one of them. But... I've been trying to think of a way for you to see your blonde friend."

My eyes light up and I feel a smile spread across my cheeks without trying. "Really?"

A light blush spreads across his cheeks and he shrugs. "I'm thinking about it, I'm not even sure if it'll be possible, so don't get your hopes up." I walk to the bed, shocked that my legs are working again. I wrap him in a hug and he seems taken back, not even hugging me back.

"Thank you, Touma." I squeeze him tighter.

"You aren't gonna see that fat boy or Shikamaru," he grumbles as I pull back.

"I know," I nod with a smile still clear on my lips. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into another soft hug. "I was so scared that you were mad at me," I tell him. "I hate it when you're angry." 

"I didn't mean to scare you," he whispers into my hair.

"It's okay."

—

It feels so good for things to be back to normal. I turn to look at Touma's peaceful sleeping face. When he's angry, he even looks scary when he sleeps. Now, his soft face I've grown to care for is back. I run my fingers down his cheeks and he flinches. I pull my hand back. His eyes flutter open and he turns his head towards me. He smiles softly.

"I guess I fell asleep," he says, planting a kiss on my cheek. It's gotten dark, but I can still see Touma's face.

"Yeah," I reply in a whisper.

"Can I cuddle with you?" Touma says with puppy eyes as he carefully wraps his arm around my waist. I scoot closer to him as an answer and he chuckles. "Face me," he instructs, which I blindly follow. He pulls me closer to him and digs his face in my neck, planting small kisses.

He's been kissing me less since he found out I don't like it, despite me telling him it was fine. My opinion on it hasn't changed, but Touma's repeated signs of affection reassure me that he's no longer angry. I'm safe and Touma is happy.

Touma's hand slides under my shirt and his fingers graze across my bare waist, squeezing lightly. The kisses he's showering my neck with become more intense and I realize what mood he's in. His hand that was on my waist slides down my stomach to my knee, sliding back up to my inner thigh.

"I don't want to," I murmur, lightly brushing his hand away.

"I made my decision," he begins, his hand returning to explore my body. "If you want to see her that badly, then we have to make a deal," he explains vaguely.

"What kind of deal?" I inquire, pretending like his hand touching me doesn't make me feel ill.

"I want to make you mine... completely," he hums in my ear. His hot breath on my ear makes my skin crawl. My face flushes red and I unconsciously pull myself away from him.

"H-huh?" I sit up and get hit with a wave of dizziness.

"To say goodbye to your friend, we need to have sex," he simplifies, not helping in the slightest. I knew what he meant, but a part of me was hoping I heard him wrong. _He can't be serious, can he?_

"I-I..." I stammer nervously. A crease forms in between Touma's eyebrows and he sits up too.

"I'll make it easy for you, Mira. It doesn't have to be tonight, but we can practice until then." Touma pulls my leg closest to him towards him, making my legs spread apart. I bring my right leg to my left to close them again. Touma frowns at me.

"I-I don't want to," I squeak. I'm scared to say no to him. This is so pathetic.

"Well, we're going to _have_ to do it one day. Why not just get it over with? You only have a week left to see your friend." I can sense his anger rising.

"I don't want to have sex with someone just to see a friend." My vision begins to blur as my anxiety increases. I can't cry. He'll get mad at me if I cry.

"It's more than just that, Mira. I promise you it'll feel good. I'll give you the best first time you could ask for if you'll just let me." His hand traces the waistband of my sweatpants. "We can just start with touching each other tonight," he breathes, dipping his hand down my pants. In a rush of anxiety, frustration, and fear, I push his arm away forcefully.

"Stop it!" I yell. "I'm sick of having to t-!" A hand clasps around my mouth tightly and I instantly realize my mistake. I try to apologize but my voice is muffled by his palm.

"I hate being fucking yelled at," he hisses in my ear. I pull at his hand, trying to apologize before it escalates. "How hard can it be to spread your legs and let your boyfriend fuck you?" I can't think of anything possibly worse than that. He squeezes my cheeks and forces my face to look at him. As I expected, that evil glare replaced his usual soft stare. I felt tears build up in the corners of my eyes.

"I'm s-" A slap echoes through the room and I feel a hot stinging sensation on my cheek.

"I'm tired of your apologies," Touma says through gritted teeth. "If you were actually sorry you'd do something about your mistakes instead of just apologizing all the damn time." A wall inside me breaks and tears spill down my cheeks and Touma looks at me in utter disgust. "You're so ugly when you cry, you know that?" he spits harshly. "It's a complete fucking turn off." His grip on my cheeks releases and he lays down, facing away from me.

I don't know how long I cry beside him before he speaks again, in a surprisingly kinder tone. "I didn't mean to hit you. We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?" He rolls on his back to look at me, probably feeling sick at the sight of me. I sniffle and nod, wiping away the tears that are still falling out.

"Can you stop crying?" he says more as a command than a suggestion. 

"They just k-keep falling out," I whimper, rubbing my eyes with my sleeves until it burns. 

Touma turns to the side again, reaching over to his side table where a white bottle of sleeping pills sits. Taking the bottle into one hand, he unscrews the cap with the other. He shakes two white pills into the cap and hands it to me.

"I can't sleep with you crying like that."

I take the cap from his hand and quickly drop the pills into my mouth. I take the cup from my side table and take a huge gulp of water, feeling the pills slide down my throat. Touma takes the cap from my hand, twisting it back on. I turn to show him that I swallowed the pills like I usually do, but he doesn't turn back around after putting the pills on the bedside table. 

I pull myself under the blankets and scoot closer to him to see his reaction. When he doesn't move, I rest my forehead against his back, letting the mixture of the warmth and pills carry me away.

**_ Day 13 _ **

Almost the entire day passes without a word spoken between me and Touma. The sun's almost down. It seems impossible to avoid speaking to someone for an entire day in such a small apartment, but he and I manage to do it. I know he said we'd talk about it tomorrow, but what is there to talk about? I don't want to have sex, plain and simple. 

Yet at the same time, I know this is about much more than letting me see Ino. If it was truly an all or nothing situation like that, he would've accepted when I told him no, simply saying I'm not allowed to see Ino if that's my choice. Instead, he's angry at me. And this anger is going to stay until I give him what he wants.

A low mumble sounds from the other side of the room, where Touma's laying on my bed. I turn around and to my surprise, I lock eyes with Touma. I'm not sure which one of us looks away first. 

Hours pass like this, and it feels like I'm being slowly driven insane. I'm not sure if he's mad at me or not. He must be, right? He hit me last night because I made him upset. Even though he apologized, he could still be angry.

It's an hour until midnight, and still, he hasn't spoken a word to me. 

I hesitantly glance over my shoulder, only to see him looking at me as well. Again. I feel my cheeks heat up but I don't turn away, and neither does he. We stare at each other in silence, the dim lights from the lamp being the only source of light.

"Are you not going to say anything?" Touma's deep voice echoes in the small room. He crosses one leg over the other, expectantly waiting for a response from me. 

I grip the couch and shrug. "Are you?" I mumble the question carefully, hoping it doesn't come off the wrong way.

Touma lets out a long sigh and pats the empty space beside him on the bed. My body automatically stands up and goes to the place he patted, like my body worked for him instead of me. These days, it does feel like my body likes him more than it likes me. But how could I complain? I've never liked my body much either.

"You ready?" Touma questions me softly, and in response, I nod. If we don't talk things out, he'll stay angry. I can't deal with it anymore. Even a moment of this is suffocating.

It surprises me when Touma doesn't talk, but instead pulls my face to his, pushing our faces together into a kiss. Not just a kiss, a _very heated_ kiss. His hand falls to my shoulder, rubbing it over the cloth of my hoodie. My eyes, which I never closed, look in front of me to see his half-lidded eyes seemingly in bliss. It hits me that he never intended to talk to me. He was asking if I was ready to give into him, not ready to talk. 

His other hand slides up my sweater, cupping my breast. I feel a bit relieved when I remember that I'm wearing a bra. Though he's seen me fully nude from the times he had to help me get into the bath, he never touched me.

I use both of my hands to push slightly against his chest. He reluctantly pulls away and his half-lidded eyes widen into a glare. I feel the familiar chill run down my spine and try to manage a smile, but it feels awkward on my lips.

"I thought we were going to talk first." My arms against his chest start to tremble feeling the heavy rise and fall of his chest. 

"We did," he grunts.

"I don't think that really counted as talking about it, Touma," I express, retracting my arms back to my side. "I didn't know that was what you meant when you asked if I was ready. I thought you meant ready to talk."

"It's not my fault you didn't understand."

"Yeah, you're right..." I trail off slowly. "I just thought we'd talk about it first."

"What is there to talk about?" Touma puzzles impatiently, huffing in annoyance. He's never been like this when I refused him before, so why is he acting like this now?

"I'm not ready," I tell him for probably the thousandth time, receiving a hateful glower from him.

Touma's heavy body crawls over me and I shrink into the bed. "You say that over and over again, but what is it you're waiting for? Someone else?" he growls. I've seen Touma in a lot of different and terrifying ways, but the image of him on all fours over me takes the prize for being the scariest. 

"No, not that."

"Then what is it?" I feel spit fly onto my face, making me feel ill. I move my hand to wipe it away but Touma grabs my wrist at the last moment to pin it against the bed. "No one else would ever sleep with a girl like you. You should feel lucky that I want to sleep with you." I ignore his comment. He's not Touma. This isn't Touma.

_Slap._

"I'm talking to you," he snarls with gritted teeth. 

This isn't Touma on top of me. Touma takes care of me when I'm hurt and he kisses me all the time. Touma doesn't hurt me like this. This isn't the real him. He's going to wake up soon and come back to his senses, being the Touma I care for. The Touma who cares for me.

"I'm sorry." The words leave my lips without knowing. I should've expected the oncoming stinging pain to match the other cheek. 

"Fucking stop with the apologies." Touma's free hand returns up my shirt, finding the same breast it was cupping before. I don't know what's changed, but I feel hollow. I can feel him kneading my breast to the point where it's painful, but I don't care. I'm somewhere else. I'm having a nightmare and right now Touma's peacefully sleeping beside me.

But how could this be a dream when it feels so real? 

The pain on my cheek. The squeezes on my breast. The warm tears falling down the side of my face. 

That was apparently the line for Touma.

"There you fucking go crying again," he utters, rolling off of me aggressively. I sit up instantly, taking the freedom of being able to move before it's taken from me again. "You're disgusting," he spits. The words shoot through my chest painfully as he turns away from me, turning his lamp off. The room turns pitch black.

"T-Touma," I whisper. When I don't get a response I put my hand on his shoulder to turn him towards me. His arm swings back and pushes me away from him. The push rolls me back and I fall off the bed. My head hits the wall and I whimper. 

"Leave me alone, Mira," Touma growls. I swallow my fear and pull myself back on the bed.

"I don't want you to be angry at me, let's just talk," I suggest.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Please, Touma," I cry, taking his hand in mine. He yanks his hand away.

"Don't fucking touch me right now."

The fear I tried to swallow comes back up and my body is wracked with sobs. I try to muffle them by covering my mouth but nothing works. I hear Touma groan next to me and I expect him to give in and talk to me. Instead, I'm met with a fist to my side. The oxygen is knocked out of me and I gasp for breath.

"If you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to make you," he threatens, holding a tight grip on my hair, his other hand squeezing tightly where he just punched me. It hurts. It's like he's pinching it with his whole hand. "I will talk to you in the morning when I can stand to look at you." I nod frantically and Touma lets me go and rolls over.

I don't know how long it is until I hear the soft snores from Touma, but I feel like I can finally breathe again.

I can't stand to look at his face right now. I'm terrified of him. It's been so long since he's gotten like this. He usually isn't violent, so I shouldn't be scared, but I am. I'm fucking terrified. I can't stop shaking because of him. I'm too scared to sleep. Too scared to move.

_If he does this even when we're around each other all the time, what will things be like when we go back home? Will there be another guy Touma's threatened by? Will all of this repeat over and over again?_

I care about Touma so much, though. Even when he has his moments, I know he'll always go back to the caring Touma.

_But he always turns violent again._

He isn't a bad person, he just needs help. I could try to fix him. I could help him through his jealousy and anger issues.

_But I'm too scared to confront him._

This can't be my life. I can't just sit here fighting with myself. Fighting with Touma. Defending Touma. Getting hit by Touma. Being kissed by Touma. Being touched by Touma. Touma. Touma. Touma. That can't be what the rest of my life is going to be.

Picturing my future going home always looks the same. Go home with Touma, live with Touma, fuck Touma, marry Touma, have kids with Touma. All of those have 'get hurt by Touma' in between them. My future is filled with bruises and pain and fear. That is my future if I stay in this bed tonight.

But he forgot to give me a sleeping pill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this rewrite was huge so it took a bit longer. i added like 2k words. i'm excited to rewrite the next one though & i'm sure you've figured out why.  
> anyways i'm almost done with shikamaru's story i highly reccomend it. i opened the book & it was like "shikamaru considered" and i was like wow.... he's considering...


	15. fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cool i hated writing those last chapters this one was fun

**_ Day 14 _ **

I don't know how I'm going to do this, or if it'll even work. But trying is the only option I have left. It'd be embarrassing to say I went willingly with Touma because I was scared. I am scared, but that's why I'm going to try to do something about it. I just need to make it out of that door, run for help, and stay far away from Touma. If he wakes up, it's over. At least I'll be able to say I tried.

I ease myself off the bed, flinching each time the bed creaks. With both my legs on the floor, I shift my weight onto them. My legs wobble, but I'm not going down. I look over my shoulder to the only light in the room. The digital clock. It's midnight.

_Please, Lord Hokage. Please be awake,_ I pray in my mind, despite not having a religion. _Or someone who works for him. Anyone._

I tiptoe away from the bed, brushing my fingers against the wall to feel where I'm going. A loud snore erupts not far from me and I nearly lose my balance from the shock. The steady breaths return almost immediately and I let out the breath I was holding. 

_I'm wearing clothes again since I'm back in my own home. I can just.... leave, right? I'm not half-naked anymore... I can just... go._

It seems all too easy. He's going to wake up any second now. He always catches me. Even if I'm thinking about it, he knows. He always knows. He's going to grab me by the hair and pull me away from the door. He'll hit me until I'm knocked out again. He'll never make the mistake of forgetting the sleeping pills ever again.

I fearfully glance over to Touma, expecting his figure hovering above mine, glaring down on me. Instead, I see his sleeping body softly illuminated by the green light from the clock. I just need to get to the door. I'm halfway there.

Just a few more steps and I'll be free...

A wave of uncertainty crashes down on me the instant my fingers brush against the cold doorknob.

No, I should go back. When Touma catches me, things will be ten times worse than they are now. I'd have better luck if I have sex with him and ask Ino for help when he lets me see her. That would be easier.

My legs shake again and I quickly stumble to the nearest hard surface to hold myself up with. I go over all the possible outcomes, but they all end badly. Touma will always win. I belong to him now. I stopped being my own person weeks ago when Touma dragged me out of the restaurant. My knees begin to fail on me, and I fight to hold myself up.

_Dammit, Mira Tanaka! Just fucking run!_

It can't hurt to try.

...

Well, that's not true. If I'm caught, it'll hurt like hell. It's not like I haven't felt pain before, though. I regain my strength and return to the door, watching it like any moment it'll disappear. Touma's snores return when my fingertips find the cold copper doorknob.

_This isn't going to work. He's going to wake up. I'm going to die if he catches me._

I slowly turn the doorknob, expecting his thundering footsteps to rush over to me at any moment. But they don't. My heart skips a beat as I realize this might actually work. I might get out today. I pull the door open a little wider and a loud creak bombards my ears. _Nevermind! I'm fucked!_ I turn around to see Touma's body move and I'm too frozen in fear to shut the door.

But he doesn't wake up.

I glare at the door like it purposefully made noise. Deciding it would be better not to open the door any further, I slide through the small amount of space open. I'm blinded by the white lights in the hallway instantly, but it doesn't bother me. I'm out. 

_I'm fucking out of that God-forsaken room._

My eyes adjust to the light and I'm faced with the important decision to leave the door to my house open or not. I determine that it's safer to leave it open so the door doesn't creak when I shut it. I take a step back from the door, and then another. I watch it until it's completely out of my sight.

My next and greatest obstacle: stairs. I use both of my arms to grip the railing to help myself go down and take one step slowly at a time. By the bottom of my first flight of stairs, I'm panting like an overworked dog. 

_I can't stop now._

All the hair on my body rises when I hear heavy footsteps quickly come down the stairs from above me. A cold chill runs down my spine as the heavy footsteps become louder. I try to walk down the stairs faster but it only results in me slipping and gripping onto the railing to keep myself from falling. My body seizes and I squeeze my eyes shut as the same word plays in my mind over and over again, each time more panicked than the last. _Fuck!_ A small cry escapes my lips as the footsteps approach me.

...

And then they pass me.

I open my eyes to see one of the older men who came here from Tonaki walk by me. A sigh of relief escapes my lips and I continue down the stairs. 

I reach the bottom and turn my head to the front desk where the lady usually sits, but she isn't there. _Well, there goes plan A. Plan B it is: going to the Hokage myself._ The older man who I passed me walks in the building smelling like cigarettes. He shoots me a weird look. I can't blame him. I haven't brushed my hair for god knows how long and I'm barefoot in the lobby of my apartment building. He cautiously walks past me and goes back up the stairs, each footstep quieter than the last.

Well, to the Hokage's residence it is then. I step to the glass door leading outside. It's dark out, which is no surprise considering it's past midnight. I push the door open and a cold gust of wind hits me in the face. It's May still, right? Maybe June? Yet, it's so chilly at night.

I take a step onto the cool concrete outside of the door. The door closes behind me quietly and I stand in front of the building in awe. _I'm outside. Actually, outside._ I wish I could smile, but it still feels like Touma's breath is on the back of my neck. I need to get away from this place as soon as possible.

Another gust of cool wind slaps me in the face, and it's all I need to get my blood pumping on adrenaline I didn't know I had. I walk slowly away from the building until that slow walk turns into a jog, and that jog turns into a run. _I'm fucking running!_ It's dark, but I can see everything so vividly: the street signs, every individual tree, and the shops that won't be open until morning. The corners of my lips twitch upward into a smile. I keep running no matter how much the rocks hurt my feet.

I see the Hokage's Residence come into view and I notice that the lights are on. I know that someone's there who can protect me or fix the situation I'm in. I don't slow down or stop. I just keep running and I pass the Hokage's residence. I haven't got a clue where my feet were leading me, but I couldn't care less. Each footstep is another away from Touma.

I'm outside. I'm free and away from Touma, and I'm outside. I can feel the wind. Real wind. Not forced air from an AC unit. I can feel the dirt on my feet. I can smell nature all around me. I can hear the crickets chirping. Every sense of mine is telling me I'm nowhere near Touma. I am free. 

My smile which hasn't faded turns into a hysterical laugh. This was all it took to get away. The days I've been stuck there, all I had to do was leave while he was asleep. 

My feet fumble and I fall to my knees. _No, I can't stop moving now._ I get back up and keep moving, but my speed is impaired by a limp. Something warm and wet drips down my calves but I don't bother looking down. There couldn't be anything less important right now. 

I finally stop running when I come face-to-face with a giant slab of stone with three symbols carved into it. This is where my feet wanted to take me. Just seeing the large stone tablet made me feel safe, and I began to walk in the direction my feet intended for me to go. Maybe it's not the brightest idea, but it's away from Touma. 

I'm met with the decision to pick between two of the streets in front of me. My mind tells me to go right. It's closer and would make more sense. I should go right, but my sore feet turn left. I walk for ten minutes until the familiar modest brown house comes into vision. I stand in front of the house for a moment, staring at the nameplate. 

_Nara._

I step up to the familiar door I feel like I haven't seen in months. I could've gone right. I should have gone to Ino's but...

I need to see Shikamaru. 

I hit the door uncertainly with my fist weakly, only once. I feel embarrassed for such a weak knock and try again with a little more force, but I start to feel anxious. 

I should turn around and go back to Ino's. She's probably up this late, isn't she? It doesn't exactly look right for a girl to go to a guy's house in the middle of the night, does it? He's probably sleeping anyway. The lights are even off. I'm an idiot. 

Before I get the chance to turn around, a light flicks on in the window. My gaze shoots to my bare feet, trying to keep my cool. I don't know if it's possible but I feel like my heart rate is going four-hundred beats a minute. Water pricks at my eyes but I force them down when I hear the door swing open.

I can't help it. I lift my gaze to the tired brown eyes I haven't seen in god knows how long. His hair's still up, which probably means he wasn't sleeping. But he's wearing a tank-top and sweatpants. He was probably about to go to bed, but it doesn't matter anymore. His eyes adjust to mine and I watch them widen just the slightest.

I don't think. I can't think. I've done so much thinking for days and I'm exhausted. 

I can't feel the wind or my feet. I take a step I can't feel towards him and wrap my arms around his neck, breaking down into sobs the moment my head hits his chest. I clench the fabric of his shirt tightly into my hands.

I missed this face so much. I missed his stupid ponytail. I missed the stupid stubble on his chin. I missed his annoyed eyes.

"Mi-Mira?" Shikamaru gasps.

Fuck, I missed his voice too.

I grip him tighter as an answer. I don't expect Shikamaru to wrap his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. He's holding me tight like he thought I'd go missing again if he didn't hold tight enough, and maybe that's the same reason I'm holding so tightly onto him. 

I can't tell you how long we stand there for, but it doesn't matter in the slightest to me. The arms that are currently holding me aren't Touma's. They're thinner but warmer. They hold me tightly, but they don't hurt me. Shikamaru's shorter than Touma, so it's easier to reach him. This isn't Touma. It would be an insult to assume so. This is Shikamaru Nara.

Shikamaru's grip around me loosens and his arms unwrap themselves from me, but he keeps his hands on my waist. "Let's go inside," he breathes softly into my ear. Never in a million years would I expect Shikamaru to sound so kind, especially to me of all people. 

I disentangle my arms from around his neck and use my sleeve to wipe away any stray tears. I look at his chest in front of me and automatically wipe it as well, feeling bad for making his tank-top wet with my tears. I scrub it lightly until I'm satisfied and I hear Shikamaru chuckle above me.

He slides one of his hands onto my back and guides me into the house, leading me to the couch after he closes the front door. When I sit down, his hand is no longer on my waist and I feel unease not having that contact. Shikamaru bends down in front of me and touches his thumb to my knees, which I had forgotten about until now. It stings and I hiss at the pain.

"I'm sorry," I croak, words finally leaving my mouth. "I tripped on the way..." I trail off. On the way here? I had no idea where I was going until I was at his doorstep.

Shikamaru leaves and comes back with a first aid kit. He pulls out alcohol wipes and bandages. My pants are torn at the knee now, so he just cleans it through the hole. I could've done this myself, but I don't have the energy to refuse such a simple act. When he finishes cleaning it, he pouts, staring at the hole.

"Can I roll your pants up to the knee to wrap it?" he asks nervously. I nod wordlessly. My pants are big, so it shouldn't be hard. Shikamaru rolls them up and wraps my knee with white gauze. I probably would've just slapped a few bandaids on it and called it a day. I wonder if Shikamaru's always been like this about wounds. 

_Well, he is a ninja, Mira._

Shikamaru finishes wrapping both knees and closes the kit, putting it to the side rather than away. He sits directly beside me. I want to look at his face, but my insecurities urge me to not look at him in this state I'm in. My face is probably puffy from crying and I just ran almost the entire way here.

Shikamaru doesn't say anything. I know he's giving me time so I can talk, but I don't want to. I want him to tell me what he's been doing while I've been gone like I was just on vacation. But I know that's not where this conversation's going to go. I take in a big breath to prepare myself for the story I'm going to have to explain to him. 

"I was there when you came," I start, feeling Shikamaru's stare on me. "I was in the bathroom. I... heard them take you away. After that, we went to my apartment together..."

"Why were you with him? Why didn't you-"

"He wouldn't let me leave," I cut off his barrage of questions. "He was feeding me pills to make me sleep at night or before he'd leave the apartment." I stay quiet after that, waiting for a response from Shikamaru. I hear the opening and closing of his mouth.

"W-we have to go to Kakashi," he stammers. Shikamaru stands up but I grab his wrist and attempt to tug him back down, which proves ineffective. He gets the idea and sits back down, watching me carefully again.

"I don't want to go to the Hokage," I tell him. "Not yet." I feel tears forming in my eyes and wipe them away before they get the chance to fall. Shikamaru sighs beside me.

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" he asks. I glance at him from the corner of my eye and nod slowly. I realize I still haven't let go of his wrist. I keep holding it despite my realization. The contact I'm having with him is enough to keep me grounded just enough. "Are you hungry?" I know what he wants the answer to be, and I wish after all of this I could do this one little thing for him. But I can't. Not now.

"No, I just want to sleep," I murmur, rubbing my thumb across the bone that's protruding from his wrist. This contact between him and I reminds me that I'm not with Touma. No more kisses. No more meaty hands grabbing at various parts of my body. No more Touma.

"So..." he breathes, almost too quiet for me to hear. "You were there when I went to his apartment," he says for confirmation.

"Yeah," I admit with a nod. "I wasn't wearing many clothes and... I was scared... so I didn't do anything," I explain apologetically.

Shikamaru's quiet for a white. I peek to the side to see a faint red tinted across his cheeks. "I'm sorry for what I said about... y'know." The red color in his face deepens. "It just came out. I wanted to make him angry." My face flushes red when I remember him telling Touma something about being in between my thighs.

"I-it's okay," I stammer. I pull my hand away from him unconsciously and put both my hands in my lap. The contact doesn't cease for long, however. Shikamaru stands up and extends his hand out for me.

"You can sleep in my bed," he offers. I don't fight back and take his hand, getting dizzy the second he pulls me up, I grip my other hand on his shirt trying to catch myself. He waits for me to regain my balance and we walk to a room down the hallway. Usually, I'd insist to sleep on the couch, but I'm too tired to refuse him. 

Shikamaru enters a pitch-black room and pulls me along with him. He doesn't turn on the light like he's used to being in the dark. He leads me in the dark to the foot of a bed. I feel the soft cushion and sit down and look up to the black outline of his figure. 

"Do you need clothes to sleep in? It gets kinda hot in here at night, so you might overheat." I consider refusing since I've already let him be kind enough to me, but I hum an affirmation. It's not that I don't want to overheat, but I've been wearing this hoodie for a couple of days _and_ I ran all the way here in it. I'm covered in sweat.

Shikamaru turns around and walks to the other side of the bed, pulling out a drawer and fumbling his hands around it for a second, coming back with dark fabric in his hand. I forget for a moment that I'm not at Touma's anymore, and begin removing my hoodie without a second thought, not realizing what I had done until it was off. I look up at Shikamaru and his head is turned away from me. I throw the hoodie to the side and take the shirt from his hand. I pull it over my head and nudge Shikamaru with my foot when I'm done.

"Sorry for changing in front of you," I blush. "I got used to it with Touma. I forgot where I was for a bit there."

"Don't worry about it," he says with a nervous cough at the end.

"Temari would probably be upset if she knew a girl just changed in front of you," I try to laugh, but it sounds forced. "Sorry."

"Temari would've lost it if I let a girl in my house," he adds with a small chuckle. "But we broke up, so you don't need to worry." I feel the color leave my face.

"I-I'm sorry," I stutter.

"Don't be," he laughs softly. "Just go to sleep. We can talk more tomorrow." I lay my head on the cold pillow and cover myself with the blanket. Shikamaru starts to walk away but I snatch him by the wrist just before he's out of reach.

"Stay here for now, please," I beg in a whisper. Shikamaru nods and kneels next to his bed.

"I'll be here until you fall asleep," he soothes, letting my hand continue to hold his wrist. Though being in contact with Shikamaru helps, it doesn't stop the trainwreck in my brain to keep on rolling.

What if Touma finds Shikamaru's house and breaks in? What if he takes me back? It hasn't even been two hours since I left. Has he noticed I'm gone yet? He's going to find me and he's going to hurt me. He's going to hurt Shikamaru, too. I should go back to protect him. How could I be so selfish? I'm hurting my friends to prevent myself from getting hurt. I'm disgusting, just as Touma said.

A small cry erupts from my lips. Shikamaru doesn't talk and lets me cry in front of him. I squeeze his wrist tighter every time a new possibility of Touma finding me pops into my head, but he doesn't complain.

Eventually, I calm down, finding my breaths to come out at an even pace. Shikamaru lifts his spare hand to my cheek and wipes underneath my eye and pushes my hair out of my face. I'm thankful it's dark so Shikamaru doesn't have to see my face post-cry. His hand moves back to my cheek and his thumb caresses circles over my cheekbone. His fingers against my skin make my heart pound in my chest.

"Goodnight, Mi," he whispers.

_Thump._

I should've expected that. I nuzzle my face into his pillow. It surrounds me with Shikamaru's scent and I feel guilty for the comfort it brings me. I want to wrap my arms around him again. I want to fall asleep in the comfort of his arms. I feel my eyes grow heavy. I fight sleep to hold onto this moment with Shikamaru a little longer, but the darkness wins, absorbing me into a sleep that finally wasn't induced by sleeping pills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> absolutely no temari slander allowed in my house


	16. fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn it's been over a week sowwy

I'm woken up by the intense pounding of my own heart. I can hear it drumming in my ears, and my chest feels as if it's about to burst. It must be going at a deadly rate because there's no way that this is normal. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. It feels as if I've run a marathon, but I am certain that I haven't left this bed.

_Am I dying? It's like I'm having a heart attack. I'm only eighteen! Eighteen-year-olds shouldn't be having heart attacks, so why is this happening? Why do I feel like the slightest movement will cause me to combust into flames?_

I can't open my eyes. If my eyes open, that makes this all too real. If they open, something bad will happen to me. A white light glows behind my eyelids. That must be the light people talk about in movies —the one you see before you die. I can't die yet. I haven't gotten to see my friends yet. Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji. I'm still in Touma's bed. 

I feel a strong pressure on my shoulders pushing me down and an ice-cold chill runs down my spine. I can't move. I'm dying. I'm going to die. I'm never going to get the chance to see anyone I know again. I'm going to cease to exist, just as my mom has.

A voice rings in my ears, calling out to me. I almost believe that it's my mom, but I'm too stubborn to believe there's an afterlife. I'm brought back to reality and open my eyes. The light shines in my eyes even brighter.

"Mira," Shikamaru sighs in relief. His hands, which are on my shoulders, release their grip and return to his sides. My heartbeat instantly slows down when I hear his soothing voice. I connect the dots and realize the pressure I felt on my shoulders must have been from him trying to wake me up. "Are you okay?" Afraid to use my own voice, I slowly nod my head as an answer. Shikamaru sits at the foot of the bed and pinches the bridge of his nose, evidently stressed.

"What happened?" I mumble the question when I regain my ability to speak. I realize too late that the question was just as unclear to him as it was to me. The blanket appears disheveled like someone was thrashing around in their sleep. I assume that someone was me.

"A nightmare or something," he explains anyway, removing his hand from his face to look at me. "I don't know. I thought something bad happened to you." _He must have thought Touma came to get me._

At the thought of his name, my heart picks up speed again. 

He's awake. He knows I'm not at home and he's probably angry or sad. _Definitely angry_ , a voice in my head tells me. He's out looking for me now. I'm on the bed that belongs to the person he hates the most. He doesn't know Shikamaru's address, does he? What if he asks someone and they tell him?

I cover my mouth with my hands, suddenly feeling the urge to vomit. I resist it, knowing nothing will come up but stomach acid.

Wouldn't it be better for me to go back? Touma might hurt Shikamaru if he finds me here, and he'll most _definitely_ hurt me. Based on physical strength alone, Touma's stronger than Shikamaru. Shikamaru will just end up hurt if I stay here. Touma's going to find me. He always wins.

"Did you hear me?" Shikamaru's voice pulls me back from my head.

"You said something?" I cluelessly ask, watching Shikamaru fight an oncoming smirk threatening his lips.

"I asked you if you're hungry. I can make you..." Shikamaru trails off when I shake my head. The smirk he was trying to push down disappears in an instant, and I feel guilt pry at my heart.

"I'm not doing it on purpose," I tell him. Shikamaru's head peaks up with a curious expression on his face. "I think I'd throw up if I try to eat anything," I explain briefly. 

"Mm, alright," he hums. "You should still drink water, though," he says more as a command than a suggestion. He leaves the room and comes back a minute later with a clear glass of water. I take it from his hand and take a cautious sip before placing it on the bedside table next to me.

"Thanks," I murmur as I turn to look at Shikamaru to find his eyes staring down at my exposed arms. I don't know how to explain the expression he's wearing, but it's very different from the way Touma looks at them.

"You're thinner," he observes, hesitantly reaching toward my arm. When I don't pull away or flinch, he wraps his fingers around my bicep like he did the first time he saw them. This time, his fingers touch. Something is satisfying about this new milestone, but the satisfaction is ruined by the disappointment apparent on Shikamaru's face. "Was he starving you?" I'm not sure what the answer Shikamaru wants to hear might be, but there's no reason to lie to him. Touma never forced me to starve myself. 

"He only wanted me to lose the weight I gained, everything else is on me," I confess. 

Shikamaru's lips form into a tight line. "Is that why you stopped eating again?" He pulls his hand away from my arm. The area where his hand was feels cold and empty without it there.

"Yeah," I nod, "I don't know how much I weigh. I haven't checked since that one time." _'That one time,' also known as the day I cried in front of him like a child. I weighed in at 102 pounds._

Shikamaru stands up and brushes his hands on his sweatpants. "I should get Shizune, I have to tell Kakashi what's happened anyway," he murmurs. Before he can move, I grab the hem of his shirt so he can't walk away. His eyes stare down at me curiously, waiting for me to speak.

I can't be left alone here. If I'm alone, Touma will find me. Or maybe he'll find Shikamaru and hurt him, and I won't be able to do anything. I don't want to be the one responsible if Shikamaru gets hurt by him. If we both stay here, we'll both be okay. Touma won't step near this place if we're together.

"I- I don't want to be alone," I sputter, feeling ashamed and looking away. "He already knows I'm gone, so he's probably looking for me. I don't wanna know what might happen if he sees you." I shoot a glance at him and see his expression has turned into pity for me. "Please, don't go. Let's just give it a few days, okay? Please?" I plead.

Shikamaru sits down on the bed again and stares at me with an even more pitiful expression. He watches me for half a minute before opening his mouth to speak again. "It's only been two weeks, but you act so different," he remarks in almost a whisper. Before I can ask him what he means, he speaks again. "You talk like you're scared of me, but I'm not him, Mira." 

The fabric of his shirt is still being held between my two fingers, and I pull away.

"I'm sorry," I apologize, but before the words finish leaving my mouth, Shikamaru's hands clap on both of my cheeks, squeezing them together. A nervous fire lights up in my chest and I feel my cheeks go red.

"Stop it," he orders, half-serious. "You're supposed to be an annoying little stubborn brat around me."

I watch his eyes. They're staring into mine, almost begging me. He's right. I don't know why I've been so formal with him this entire time, like a few weeks ago I wasn't making fun of him for his lazy quirks.

"You're all touchy," I joke after several seconds of silence between us, hoping it'll lighten the mood. My attempt proves successful when a small smile appears on Shikamaru's lips. He pulls his hands away.

"I haven't seen you in a while. It feels like you aren't real."

"And _you're_ the one hounding me for 'not being myself,'" I snicker.

Shikamaru rolls his eyes. "Shut up, idiot," he jokes back, hiding a grin. 

I feel my heart throb in my chest as I realize that I feel the same he does. It's hard to believe this is real after so long, but it is. I missed talking to him so much. I forgot what I was missing out on all this time and now that it's in front of me, I don't want to let go. 

Even if I'm safe now, I have to go back to Tonaki soon. I might not be safe back home, or even on the trip there. What was the point of running to Shikamaru for safety when I'm going to be thrown back into the same situation as before? I don't realize tears were falling down my face until I felt the shift of weight next to me on the mattress. 

"Dammit, Mira," he complains, but he says it softer than he usually would. "What is it?" I look over and instead of sitting at the foot of my bed, he's sitting next to me.

I wipe the tears though they keep coming. "Oh, just that this is all temporary and I'll be right back where I started when I go home," I try to play it off as a joke, but the tears that still fall down my cheeks say otherwise. "It was a mistake coming here. I'm just going to be in even worse trouble when he sees me again." I pull up my knees to hide my face, giving up on trying to wipe them away.

"That's why we need to take you to Kakashi. Once he knows, Touma can be sent away and you'd be safer than you are now." It should make me feel better, but the tears continue to spill.

"I don't want to go home," I confess, the volume in my voice rising slightly. "I want to stay here with you guys."

"Mira-"

Touma won't stay away forever, he'll come back to Tonaki. No matter what I do, everything ends with Touma. I had to depend on Touma like a fucking child just to do everyday things. I couldn't even take a shower without him there because if I stood up for too long I got dizzy." I know I'm just rambling at this point, but Shikamaru sits in silence and lets me. "He treats me like a child in a way. Controlling what I eat, do, and wear. The only difference between me and a child is kissing and touching and checking."

"Checking? What's that?" Shikamaru points out.

"It's nothing," I brush off. It wouldn't make much sense to him. Plus, it's embarrassing.

"Is it? Tell me," he probes.

My face and neck go hot at the thought of telling him something like this, but I give in anyway. "He'd uh..." I trail off, unsure of how to word it. I dig my face deeper in between my knees in an attempt to mask my embarrassment. "He'd pull down my pants and... check." Shikamaru's silence makes it obvious I wasn't clear enough in my explanation. Reluctantly, I continue. "He told me it was to check if I was... swollen. He stopped doing it when I stayed with him."

Shikamaru doesn't say anything for a minute, but I'm sure I was quite clear this time. "That fucking psychopath," he spits harshly. I flinch at the sudden hatred in his voice. "I wish you had told me sooner. You said this was happening before he kidnapped you?" The word 'kidnap' turns my body into stone. 

_Is that what happened? Is that what everyone else sees it as?_

"I wasn't allowed to talk to you, so I couldn't tell you."

"Why? I don't understand what made him hate _me_ so much."

I shrug my shoulders. I couldn't be sure, either. "I don't know. The first time he checked me, it was the night I was with you and Choji. And it was also when he told me I couldn't talk to you anymore."

"Oh, he thought we slept with each other," he says nonchalantly. I'm glad my face is covered up because once again, my face feels hot. "It doesn't excuse shit if he thought that or not, though. It's sexual assault."

I repeat the words silently, but they leave a bad taste on my tongue. _Sexual assault?_ That can't be right. 

"I don't think it was," I mumble unsurely. "He tried to touch me when we were together, but if I told him I didn't want to, he'd stop," I say, leaving out the interaction Touma and I had that led to me running away. I hear Shikamaru groan next to me. 

"Alright, idiot," he laughs with a bit of frustration in his voice. "It's still fresh, so I'll leave it alone. Don't think about going home right now, just stay here until Touma leaves and we'll figure something out." Shikamaru yawns. "I'm gonna take a nap." 

I lift my head from my knees when I feel Shikamaru's weight shift to get off the bed. "Wait," I call out without thinking. Shikamaru turns to look at me, making me feel insecure all of a sudden. I quickly cover my face with my hands. "Don't look at me. I look really ugly right now," I fret. "Just take a nap in here. I feel anxious when you're not around," I admit. I peak through my fingers to see Shikamaru scoot back beside me. 

"I don't think you're ugly," he mumbles as he rolls on his side, facing away from me. "Stop being an idiot."

I feel unexpectedly overwhelmed by his words. "Agh! Stop being nice to me! It's weird!" I shout. Shikamaru lets out a chuckle and I batter him with my fists, making him laugh harder.

"You're weak, Mi," he snickers and I hit him again.

"Stop calling me that!" _Thumpthumpthump._

—

It's the first time I've watched a man sleep who isn't Touma, and it's a big difference. Shikamaru doesn't take up a lot of room on the bed since he sleeps on his side, and he doesn't move around much either. He doesn't even snore. It's like he's dead. It's the complete opposite of Touma, who takes up most of the bed and thrashes around constantly. 

But the biggest difference between watching this man sleep and watching Touma is that I want the man next to me to wake up as soon as possible. I was almost tempted to wake him up, but he looks so peaceful when he's sleeping. The usual tired crease between his eyebrows is gone. 

He was tossing and turning at first but he's been facing me now for about an hour. Any moment now he could open his eyes and catch me staring at him, but something about him kept my eyes glued to him.

I didn't notice earlier, perhaps because of the adrenaline, but when Touma punched me in the side the other day, it left a huge bruise covering a decent amount of the left side of my waist. My whole left side is sore, even the parts the bruise doesn't cover. I haven't told Shikamaru about Touma hitting me, and I don't plan to either.

I wonder what Touma's doing right now. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. Is he walking around looking for me? Did he give in and tell the Hokage the truth and say that I'm really missing now?

If the second one is true, I don't doubt he'd accuse me of being at Shikamaru's first. It'd probably be smarter for me to go to Choji's since Touma doesn't know him well. Though Choji and Ino don't know about my eating, and Shikamaru does. It felt right to go to Shikamaru since he went to the apartment looking for me.

Shikamaru's calm attitude towards everything has kept me a little bit grounded. He seems confident that Touma won't get to me, but maybe he's just putting on a face.

A low hum leaves Shikamaru's lips and my eyes —which had trailed to random objects in the room— shoot back up to his sleeping face. When his eyes are closed, you can see how long his eyelashes are. Shikamaru looks... pretty. I don't know how he would feel if I told him that, but it's the only way I can describe him. Shikamaru's face is a blend of masculine and feminine features. 

I don't think I'd be able to find a single feminine thing on Touma.

"Mm, what are you looking at?" he groans in a raspier voice than usual. My eyes glance up to his half-lidded almond eyes. He pushes himself up and props himself up with his elbow.

"Your eyelashes," I respond without thinking. Shikamaru raises an eyebrow and the corners of his lips go up.

"I thought you were only that blunt because you were drinking, but I guess you always say exactly what you're thinking," he chuckles, using his free hand to rub his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"When we were drinking you told me I was good-looking," he reminds me.

"Would you rather I call you ugly?" I poke at him. "I compliment everyone's appearance."

"I noticed that, but it was only ever girls. I figured it must have been a woman thing or that you're into girls," he yawns. "I thought you were hitting on Temari when I introduced you to her." 

My face heats up quickly and Shikamaru's shit-eating grin tells me he notices. "Does it really come off like flirting?" Instead of answering, Shikamaru shrugs. I continue to ramble on. "I just think everyone is beautiful in their own way. Even Touma is attractive. I hated it when he would call you ugly because it isn't true. He'd call Choji fat all the time too. He'd also never call you two by name, but by insult. Choji's a bigger guy, sure, but that doesn't make him ugly by any means."

"I'm glad you think so," Shikamaru pipes up. "Ino used to sort of be that way until she learned to keep her mouth shut."

"I think he looks good the way he is. I couldn't imagine him as thin as you."

"Interesting."

I raise an eyebrow at Shikamaru, but he doesn't bother explaining what he found so interesting. I don't think I'd be able to read him if I tried. _Whatever_ , I internally groan, rolling my eyes. 

"Do you have a tub?" I ask, changing the subject.

"Mhm," he lazily hums in response.

"I need to wash up," I tell him.

Shikamaru whines and pushes himself up off the bed. "C'mon," he grumbles, beckoning me to follow him. I slowly scoot off the bed and ignore the oncoming dizzy spell and black dots that plague my vision. I follow Shikamaru, who is walking impossibly slow, to a dark wooden door at the end of the hallway. 

"Towel?" The words don't finish leaving my lips when Shikamaru let out a typical annoyed groan. In two short strides, he's in front of another door, opening it and tossing a pale green towel at me. "Clothes?" I tease, knowing it'll make Shikamaru more irritated. 

"Dammit, I'm gonna have to buy clothes for you, aren't I?" Shikamaru rubs his forehead with his hand, the other one sliding in the pocket of his sweatpants. Before I let myself feel guilty, I make a promise to myself to pay him back when things are the way they used to be again. "Just stay in those for now. I'll get you clothes tomorrow."

"Ew," I blurt out. Shikamaru spins around and leaves with an annoyed expression, returning with a handful of clothes and tosses them at me as he did the towel. I'm unable to catch all of it and most of them end up landing by my feet. All I'm able to grab is a grey t-shirt. 

"No more complaints," he deadpans, leaving me alone in the hallway. _Alright, note to self: Shikamaru is cranky when he wakes up._

I pick up the clothes on the floor and carry them into the bathroom, placing them on the counter by the sink. I play with the knobs on the tub until I figure it out and get it to my desired temperature: scolding hot. I take off my clothes, oddly feeling more naked than I do at home, and step into the hot water. My muscles relax the moment my body is completely submerged.

_It feels nice not having someone bother you while you bathe._

It hasn't even been a full day since I showed up, but I feel myself already making myself at home. Talking to Shikamaru makes me forget what put me here in the first place. I'm thankful that Shikamaru is helping me, but can he really just keep me here? Won't he get in trouble for that?

I sink myself deeper into the water to try and distract myself from my wandering thoughts. To my dismay, it doesn't work. I fully submerge myself to get my hair wet so I can actually wash myself. After shampooing and conditioning my hair and washing my body, the thoughts still don't cease. _I would drown myself right now, but that would just add to the list of problems I've caused for Shikamaru._

I don't know how long I sit in the tub, being swallowed by my own thoughts, but it's long enough for Shikamaru to notice.

"Are you dead?" Shikamaru drones through the door.

"If you were only that lucky," I answer, biting back a giggle. I can hear him mumble something as his footsteps fade away and I smile to myself. I force myself out of the tub and drain it. I take the light green towel and dry off my body and look at the clothes Shikamaru gave me. A grey t-shirt, pair of sweatpants that are _definitely_ too big, and a... pair of boxers.

I mentally pray that they're brand new or that they are _very_ clean before sliding them on.

_Holy shit, these are fucking comfy._

They're loose on me, but they stay on. I consider only wearing these with the shirt, but then I find a hole in the front. I open it to inspect it. I thought maybe it was a tear, but it looks like it was sewn that way. The realization hits me and I pull my hands back in half a second.

Ignoring what just happened, I pull the sweatpants that are too big for me up to my hips. I let go and instantly, they fall back to my ankles. I groan and pull them back up, using the fabric belt to tighten it as much as I can. When I get them to stay on, I put on the grey shirt without putting on my sports bra. _They're small anyway, so it's not like I have anything to worry about._

After drying my hair with the towel, I walk out of the bathroom, getting hit with the cool air. I turn my head around the opening out of the hallway to see Shikamaru laying on the couch. His eyes are closed and his hands are behind his head. I bite back a grin and go back to the bedroom so I can lay back down. I don't know where to put my clothes and towel, so I put them in the corner in a small pile.

Not long after I get comfortable, Shikamaru comes in and sits at the foot of the bed. "I have a pretty decent grasp of the style of clothes you want and what size you are. Is there anything else you might need?"

"A toothbru-" 

"Oh, I have a spare one under the sink," he interrupts. "It was for Temari, but she never ended up sleeping here."

"Why not?" I ask, feeling nosy.

"I only moved in a few months ago, just a bit before you came," he tells me. "That day you met her was the first time she came over.

"Damn, she'd really be pissed to find out I'm sleeping here, huh?" I force out a laugh, but I feel guilty. I stayed the night here before his own girlfriend did. Sorry- _ex-girlfriend_. I feel a chill run down my spine. I don't want Temari to hate me. I'd hope that if she found out, she'd understand my situation and that nothing is going on between me and Shikamaru.

"Well, her and I aren't togeth..." Shikamaru trails off and he looks like he's thinking. "Now that I think about it, I don't think that matters. Let's just make sure she doesn't find out because she's got one hell of a punch."

I look away, feeling nervousness and guilt mix in my stomach. Since they've broken up, she won't be coming here anymore, right? I'd feel like shit if I had to put Shikamaru in _another_ shit situation.

"Alright, back to what we were talking about. Is there anything else?" 

I think for a moment and shake my head. "Nope, that should be it." Shikamaru cocks his eyebrow suspiciously.

"Nothing else? You'll probably be here for a few weeks. Don't you think you'll need pads or tampons?" Shikamaru suggests, and I shake my head.

"I haven't had my period in months," I reply, shrugging. A look falls on Shikamaru's face like he's annoyed. _He's looked like that a lot today._

"You're seeing Shizune the second that bastard is gone," he demands with a stern look in his eyes.

"O-okay," I hesitate, knowing that with seeing Shizune comes a lot of changes. I'll have to gain weight again. Whether it's Shizune who makes me or Shikamaru, it's going to happen. Will Ino and Choji find out? "I'm going to have to eat again, huh?" I whine softly.

"Yeah, you will," he answers carefully.

I look down at my legs. They're covered, but beneath the cloth are thighs that don't touch, knobbly knees, and fragile ankles. Those will all change when I gain weight. In a way, it sounds nice to not have to worry about losing weight, but deep down I know that worry will never disappear. 

_Why is it so much harder this time?_

"I'm gonna miss being skinny," I whisper, not sure if Shikamaru hears, but not caring nonetheless. The sigh that leaves his throat answers my thoughts.

"You're _too_ skinny," he corrects. I look up at him and catch his eyes wandering my figure. "It's not like we're going to force you to gain a whole bunch. Probably just thirty pounds." My blood runs cold at the number.

_Thirty pounds? Three tens? That's too much. Too much. That is way too fucking much._

"I don't care how much you weigh, as long as you're healthy."

I appreciate your concern for my health, Shikamaru, but there's absolutely no way I'm gaining thirty pounds in this lifetime. I'd consider ten pounds, but thirty? I can't even carry thirty pounds. It's too heavy. I can't be that heavy. 

"Is there any way I can stay at my current weight and be healthy?" I blurt out, only realizing afterward it's a stupid question.

"I think that's impossible, Mi."

"I don't want people to call me fat again," I mumble, twirling my thumbs together anxiously. 

"No one will," Shikamaru says confidently. "No one's going to ask you to be anything more than healthy." I chew on my lip and look away from Shikamaru.

"I still got called fat when I was a healthy weight," I breathe out reluctantly.

"It's not going to happen, trust me," he murmurs.

I let out a shaky breath, preparing to ask a question I know Shikamaru isn't going to want to hear. "Can I... hold onto this for a while longer?" I ask nervously, feeling guilty when the words pass my lips. "I'm not ready yet."

After a moment that feels like forever, Shikamaru nods slowly. "I won't force you to eat, but promise me you'll give yourself something every now and then, even if it's just a little." I stare at him, not agreeing or refusing. The room goes silent and the atmosphere becomes awkward. 

Shikamaru shifts uncomfortably on the bed and turns his gaze away from mine. "Since I'm gonna buy you clothes," he begins, changing the subject. His eyes dart around the room, looking at everything but me. "God, I feel like a creep asking this," he grumbles to himself and pulls his hand up to massage his temples. "I'm going to need to buy you bras right? What size?" he spews out quickly, making me suppress a giggle at his nervousness.

"I only wear sports bras since there isn't much to hold up," I joke, watching his cheeks turn pink. I tell him my size and he nods sheepishly. I laugh at him, no longer being able to bite it back, and his eyes dart to me, narrowing. "You're so nervous. Guess you've never done this before, huh?" I giggle.

"'Course I have, just not in a situation like this," he groans. "I've been-" Shikamaru stops suddenly and shakes his head lightly. "I was with Temari for a year, so when she stayed the night —back when I lived with my mom— I'd buy her clothes. I thought about letting you wear some of the clothes that I bought for her when we were together, but it sounded like a bad idea." He lets out a small yawn at the end of his sentence.

"I'm sorry about your breakup."

"It wasn't really a bad breakup, we've had worse," Shikamaru shrugs. "I'd say it was mutual. Temari's the kind of woman who wants a lot. She wants attention, dates, sex, adventure. Anything she can get from me, she wants— _constantly_. Being long-distance most of the time made that hard. We'd see each other only a few times a month, sometimes only once, and that was for work." Shikamaru talks about it's no big deal, but I wonder if he's really this unbothered.

"Oh, okay," I reply quietly. I must be easy to read because Shikamaru seems to know exactly what I'm thinking.

"Really, Mira, it's fine," he sighs. "We were fighting all the time, so we broke up. She's gonna find a guy in her own village that can give her what she wants, and I'm fine with that." All I can do is nod at his words. I guess I understood, but Temari seems like a much better person than Touma.

The thought of Touma sends my mind spiraling down into a pit of paranoid thoughts. I can't help the guilt that sets in at the thought of him raking the village looking for me. I hurt the good Touma and angered the bad one. Touma's going to sleep alone for the first time in two weeks, and I'm in the house of the man he hated most. 

He probably knows I'm with Shikamaru. Scratch that. He definitely knows I'm with Shikamaru. I can only hope that no one tells him where Shikamaru lives, but what if someone thinks Touma's harmless? I just want him gone. I want to see Ino and Choji, but I'm scared. What if he comes here while Shikamaru's gone? What would I do then? The thought makes a chill run down my spine.

"I'm gonna lay down for a bit," I murmur to Shikamaru.

"Do you want me to stay until you're asleep?" he offers and I shake my head. 

"I'm alright, I've bothered you enough today." Shikamaru's lips form a tight line, but he gets off the bed. Before he leaves, he lays a hand on my head, leaving it there for a moment before speaking.

"Let me know if you need anything," he says with a soft expression and leaves. It should make me feel better, but the way he looked at me made me feel weak and disgusting.

I curl into a ball under the covers and try to push away the memories and thoughts and fear that are poking at my brain. If I can distract myself, I'll be able to sleep. I tell myself this over and over again, but my mind can't find a single thing to focus on that isn't Touma, or pain, or home. My brain is running 100 miles per second, and not taking a break anytime soon. I dig my head deeper into the mattress.

_Sleep, Mira Tanaka! Please just go to sleep. Everything's gonna be okay. Touma's gone. He's gone. He can't touch you. Shikamaru's taking care of you now. Calm down and go to sleep. Stop fucking thinking about the past!_

I battle with my thoughts for what feels like hours until I tire myself out to the point I can't bother to think about anything but sleep anymore. The calm feeling washes over me and I let sleep take me with no hesitation, stopping to think for a moment that it could be just as simple to die. I could be dying right now, and I wouldn't care in the slightest because I'm so tired. I just hope tomorrow, when or if I wake up, I don't wake up in the same sweaty panicked state as this morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo i try to upload at least every friday but my friend is temporarily living with me so i have been distracted. she goes back after christmas doe so it should be forsure back to normal after that!


	17. sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long. holidays n shit.

** _Touma Satou_ **

I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach when I fell asleep last night. I assumed it was the guilt I was feeling for hitting her again, so I ignored it. It wasn't until this morning when I reached over to pull her closer to me that I realized she wasn't there, and that the uneasiness I had felt last night was because I had forgotten to give her a sleeping pill. I knew instantly that she had left me. 

Despite knowing she was gone the instant the cold sheets beside me chilled my arm, I still checked every corner of the apartment. I started in the bedroom, then I switched to the closet, then the kitchen. Hell, I even checked under the bed, but I was just wasting time. Mira had slipped through my hands sometime last night while I was fast asleep.

I was wasting precious time searching for her in that house. Time that I could've spent looking for her outside. She couldn't have gotten that far. She can barely walk herself to the bathroom on a good day. If she had already gotten to the Hokage, someone would've shown up by now. Overall, it means she can't be that far.

I bolt out of the door —which was strangely left open— and run downstairs, skipping steps on the way down. I swing open the door to go outside and my body collides with a body smaller than mine. I stare down at the middle-aged man I had nearly run over and recognize him as one of the people who came here from Tonaki in our group. The man bites down on his cigarette and huffs, smoke shooting from his lungs.

"Watch yourself, kid," he utters demeaningly with a mean glare. As much as I want to start an argument with this random man, now is not the time. There are much more important matters at hand. 

"Have you seen a girl around? I'm looking for her. She left sometime last night I think," I say in a more panicked voice than I was hoping to put out. The man takes one long drag from his cigarette, then blows the smoke to the sky, taking his time to answer.

"I might've. Whats' she look like?" He plants the cigarette back between his teeth. 

My heart jumps with hope. "She's got long black hair and well, she's pretty small. She was probably wearing sweatpants and a hoodie," I told the man.

Once again, he takes his time answering. He takes in another long inhale of smoke, letting it out at an impossibly slow pace. "Why does it matter if I've seen her?" The man asks me as his eyes narrow. 

My mouth spews the first thing that comes into my head. "She's my little sister," I lie, running a hand through my hair. I usually keep it pretty short, but I haven't been able to get a haircut in a couple of weeks because of Mira. "We got into a fight last night over something dumb, and I didn't realize until now that she was gone."

The man taps his foot and nods, taking another long drag. _This fuckers just wasting my time. He doesn't care about helping me._ "Yeah, I saw her around midnight," he grumbles as he puts out his cigarette. "I passed her when I walked down the stairs and by the time I was done smoking, she had just gotten to the bottom." _That's her! That's my Mira!_ "I ain't see her after that though."

"Thank you, sir." I bow to the man and run towards the Hokage's residence. I should find her on my way there. If it took her that long to get down a staircase, surely she'd be out in the open where I can see her. Sure, it was midnight when he saw her, but she's still out there somewhere.

I don't find her, though. I scanned the road up and down countless times for what felt like hours, but I couldn't even find a girl that slightly resembles Mira. Did she not go to the Hokage? 

I jog to the flower shop she used to work at, hoping maybe she ran to her blonde friend. I'm not too worried about it if this is where she went. Ino's taken a liking to me, and she seems dumb enough to believe me over Mira. On my way there, I scan the roads for a sign of her. Nothing.

I walk through the entrance into the flower shop, locking eyes with Mira's friend's bright blue eyes, her eyes lifting from what appears to be a magazine. She's very pretty, but no woman is as beautiful as Mira. Ino's eyes widen at the sight of me. Her body tenses and she plasters on an obviously fake smile she uses for all her customers.

"Hi, Touma!" she greets cheerfully. "Can I help you with anything?" It's not like I can just spit out that I'm looking for Mira. If I did that, I'd be incriminating myself before Mira can do a thing. Even someone as stupid as her friend would see right through my bullshit.

"Just looking around," I mutter under my breath.

"Let me know if you need anything," Ino offers, her eyes focusing back on her magazine. I look around the small shop for any signs of Mira, but I can feel eyes staring into my back. That blonde bitch's eyes following every small movement I make. I grind my teeth together and attempt to ignore the plain blue eyes boring into the back of my head. The longer it goes on, the more impatient I get.

"What is it?" I hiss at her, causing her to jump back in surprise. She closes her magazine and slides it to the side, leaning forward onto the counter.

"I dunno, it's just weird seeing you here. You haven't come here since Mira disappeared," Ino muses, watching me carefully. "Last time I saw you, you tried to fight one of my closest friends," she mumbles. This girl really doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. I guess it's my fault for assuming she wouldn't question me when I did cause a scene the last time she saw me.

"You don't know the things that I do," I retort harshly, but she remains unfazed.

"Maybe not about Mira, but I've known Shikamaru since we were little kids," Inos begins confidently. " Shikamaru isn't the type of guy to cheat or sleep with some guy's girlfriend. It would be too much of a drag for him to be caught in something so taboo."

I roll my eyes as I realize that this bitch isn't suspicious of me because she's seen Mira, but because I accused her friend of sleeping with Mira. I obviously knew he didn't sleep with her, but it sure did feel good punching that ugly little face of his. 

"Whatever," I utter, storming out of the flower shop without another word.

Mira isn't at the Hokage's, nor is she with her friend. With those two things in mind, it becomes blatantly obvious where she is. There's nowhere else she would have gone.

She's with him. 

She's smart, I'll give her that. I haven't got a fucking clue where he lives or where he could be, and his friend back there surely wouldn't tell me after she watched me punch him in the jaw. If I ask the Hokage, he'll just assume I'm trying to start something again. If I'm gonna find the guy, it's not going to be as quick as I'd like.

They'll have time to do all sorts of things before I get there. If she's there right now, she's probably getting railed by him as I stand here wasting time. A pang in my heart makes me stumble to the side and I press myself up against a wall to keep myself steady. 

She's probably fucking him right now. He's tainting the beautiful soft skin of her thighs with his filthy fingerprints. The thighs I touched first. He's ogling at the breasts I saw first. Kissing the lips that I kissed first. She's mine, not his. Yet, she's becoming more and more filthy by his presence. He's covering the firsts I gave her with a different first.

I should've made her mine before she left. Completely. Only then could she truly belong to me. I could give her ten times the pleasure that idiot can. What could his shrimp dick do for her? 

_Maybe if you didn't hit her, she would've stayed._

The words echo in my head over and over again, only getting louder the more I try to ignore them. It's probably right. There were multiple nights when I forgot to give her a pill, but all those nights have one thing in common that last night doesn't. I didn't hit her those nights. I tried to coerce her to have sex with me, and I lashed out when she yelled at me.

I wobble back to the apartments, feeling the guilt from last night weigh on my body.

If I had just let her see her friend, things would be different now. I'd have woken up with her in my arms this morning. Her side of the bed would be warm. I'd get to stare into her beautiful grey eyes and watch her lips turn up into a sleepy smile. 

God, she's so beautiful when she wakes up. Her half-lidded eyes and her messy hair always drove me crazy. My heart still flutters every time I wake up beside her. Mira is truly a miracle. Her gorgeous body tangled in my blanket. Her thin fingers entwined with mine. Even her small chest made me crazy. She's just so beautiful in every single way.

And the other night I told her she was ugly.

You're a fucking idiot, Touma.

I've never thought she was ugly. She can't be ugly. I couldn't blame a man in the world for being attracted to her, even if Shikamaru is one of them. Who wouldn't be attracted to her fragile appearance and the way she speaks her words so soft and careful. She's stunning. She deserves the world and so much more.

I never deserved her.

I... didn't deserve someone as beautiful as her. 

She deserves someone who will spoil her with everything she's ever wanted. I want to be that man for her. I want to wrap my arms around her. I want to give her everything she could ask for. I want to kiss her tears away.

Instead, I was the one who made her cry. 

I know deep down, I don't deserve love. Especially not from someone as amazingly perfect as Mira. My selfishness couldn't stand seeing her around another man, even before I had the guts to talk to her. I needed her. I need to be with her now, but it's all backfired on me. 

I fucked up any chance I ever had getting the girl of my dreams to love me. 

Mira must have figured out for herself that she deserves so much more than I could give her. I can't blame her for wanting to leave. If I were her, I'd have left so much sooner. I wish she would've stayed for me, but I can't say she's wrong for leaving me behind.

If I've truly lost her forever, I'm going the miss the way she depended on me like she needed me. All I've ever wanted to feel from a woman was needed, and Mira did just that for me. I was needed by someone who couldn't defend themself, like a hurt puppy or a dying kitten. I took care of her. I nursed her to health, and she left me.

I didn't even get the privilege of watching her soft lips move as they tell me goodbye. I press my finger to my lips, trying to recreate the sensation I felt when Mira's lips touched mine, but it doesn't feel the same. Her lips touched mine so softly that it felt like she might have been scared to get too close to me. 

Mira may have hated kissing me, but kissing her was what brought me life again. Every doubt, worry, or concern I was feeling had faded away when our lips touched. I never considered how she felt. What was she feeling when our lips touched? Was she praying to God that it would end? Was she thinking she'd rather it be someone else's lips?

There's a part of me that feels comfortable knowing she's safe and away from me. Mira could never love me, and she figured that out for herself. She ran away from me. She's so much stronger than me. I could pin her to the ground and beat her senseless, but she overpowers me in every other way. She knows her worth now.

Whether she went to Shikamaru, or someone else, she's probably much happier there. No, she's _definitely_ happier there. She deserves someone better than a broken boy inside a grown man's body. I love Mira. I am so hopelessly in love with Mira. I was lucky to walk by her in the hallways in school. I was lucky to fall asleep next to her at night. If being away from me is what she wants, then I pray to God she's far away from me. 

I wish that her happiness was enough to make me happy, but it's not.

The other part of me —and frankly, the stronger side of me— is enraged.

I took care of Mira. I fed her, bathed her, dressed her. I did everything I could to make her comfortable and happy, and she thinks she can run away from me. Is this what that selfish bitch thinks she can do after eating my food and wearing my clothes? She owes it to me to stay with me forever. How the hell am I supposed to live without her here? I don't want to breathe if we aren't sharing oxygen. I did everything for her. For _us_. 

The second I see her fat fucking face I'm going to break her jaw. I'll add pretty little bruises to her beautiful pale skin. I want to leave all my marks on her, to remind her she's mine. Those bruises will remind her that she belongs to me and me only. I'll tie her to the bed so tight the rope makes her wrists bleed. I won't let her move, no matter how much she begs.

I couldn't care less if she doesn't love me now, she's not going to stay away from me. I'll fuck her senseless until she can't handle it anymore. Until she's screaming her vows of eternal submission to me. I won't take my hands off her until she loves me back. I'm in control of her. I'm her God. For all I've done for her, she should worship me. 

With these two sides of me fighting back and forth, they can agree on one thing. I can't survive without Mira. She has been running in circles around my mind since I saw her at the flower shop. I'll either die without her or kill her and then myself. I'm too scared to figure out which idea I like more. 

I'm sorry, Mira.

I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i may have mentioned before that i had songs that i related to certain characters or the story in general... anyways here's touma's lil playlist.  
> \- the show must go on prt. 1 by famous last words  
> \- killpop by slipknot  
> \- nothing was the same by hotel books  
> \- anxiety panorama by la dispute  
> \- another life by motionless in white
> 
> anyways thanks for reading sexies


	18. seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year :)

My second night of sleeping in a bed without Touma was no different than the first night. Heart pounding, cold sweat, shaking, and a whole lot of fear. I'm unsure of how long this is going to continue, but I hope it ends soon.

This time Shikamaru isn't here to calm me down, and there's no sunlight lit behind my eyelids. My eyes open and attempt to adjust to the pitch-black room around me. The only shred of light visible is coming from the window beside the bed. The moon is still out, and there isn't a hint of sunshine. I realize way too late that going to sleep early was a _really_ bad idea.

I can't call out to Shikamaru to help me because he's sleeping. It's not like I can go out there either; my body feels like it's paralyzed. I keep my eyes glued to the window, like any moment something will pop out. Staring at it for an extended period of time made it only worse. My eyes dart to every moving tree branch and my body jumps at the sounds of bugs hitting the glass.

The more I concentrate on each tree, the more they begin to look like bodies. My heartbeat speeds up and my eyes play more tricks on me, making up more horrifying images through the glass. I know I need to look away, but I'm too scared. If I look away, it might be too late.

The silhouette of a face forms in the window and my blood turns into ice. I duck my head under the blanket, trying to stop my body from trembling. Whimpers unwillingly leave my throat and I cover my mouth with my hand to muffle the sounds. A loud tap hits the window and I let out a yelp. I squeeze my eyes shut and cover my ears, hoping that if I lose all my senses, the issue will just go away. I try to take deep and slow breaths but they come out quick, short, and panicked.

I hear another sound and push my hands against my ears harder, attempting to block out any further noise. I push on my ears until the only thing I can hear is my own heartbeat.

I feel the pressure of a hand on my shoulder through the blanket and I cry out again, gritting my teeth tight enough my jaw hurts. Tears start to threaten my eyes but I push them down, knowing that crying will make more noise. I hear another muffled sound through my hands and push down harder. A cold chill spreads over my body when the blanket is lifted off of me and I curl myself into a ball, digging my face into my knees. With one hand still on my shoulder, the other hand attempts to pull my hand away from my ear. I fight against it, but this person's strength has me beat, managing to pull my arm away quickly.

"Dammit, Mira. It's me," Shikamaru's tired voice groans. I almost don't recognize it because it sounds deeper and more mature, but there's something unique about his voice that confirms to me that it's him. I cease my fight with Shikamaru the second I hear his voice, letting my arm fall limp in his hand. Shikamaru lets my arm go and it falls on my legs. The loss of contact makes my heart drop and I remove my face from between my knees to look up at the figure of the man standing in front of me.

Without a second thought, I reach for his hand, pulling him closer to me. He follows without a fight and kneels at the edge of the bed like he did last night. I pull his hand closer to me, which he lets me. The moonlight lights up the room just enough that I can see half of Shikamaru's face. My eyes trail down his shoulders, where his hair is laying out of its usual ponytail. 

"Your hair is down," I whisper hoarsely, either from being tired or my fit I just threw. A low and tired chuckle sounds from beside me. It sends a warm and calm feeling over my body.

"Mhm," he hums. He turns my hand over so that he's holding mine instead of the other way around. He rubs circles over the center of my palm to comfort me. "Try to sleep," he yawns.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"It's four AM," he responds quickly, laying his head on the bed.

"I'm sorry," I apologize, hearing him sigh after the words leave my lips. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's fine. Now sleep. The sooner you're asleep, the sooner I am," he says. He continues to rub circles on my palm. I hum in response and shift my body to be more comfortable. As hard as I try though, I can't fall asleep. The adrenaline has washed away, but it's done its damage, and now I'm unable to fall back asleep.

Not even ten minutes after he tells me to try to sleep, his thumb stops rubbing circles on my palm, but he doesn't move. His steady breaths let me know he's fallen asleep. If he stays in that position for the rest of the night, he'll surely wake up with back pain when morning comes. However, it's still dark outside, and the window still isn't covered. Maybe it's selfish, but right now I'll sacrifice his comfort for my own. 

My eyes begin to adjust to the dark and I'm able to see Shikamaru sleeping peacefully in front of me. Some of his hair has fallen in his face and I stop myself before I reach to brush it out of his face. _I might wake him up, but I hate having hair in my face when I'm trying to sleep._ I attempt to rationalize an excuse until I remind myself that it doesn't matter and I should stop being such a wuss. I push down my dumb anxieties and use my free hand to push his hair behind his ear. 

_I'm a girl and his hair is softer than mine. Why is a guy better at being a girl than me?_

I very reluctantly pull my hand away from his hair, fighting back to go in for one more touch.

The light from the window illuminates Shikamaru's face the slightest amount, highlighting his cheekbones. I've never paid much attention to it before —perhaps because he's never been the only thing in a room to look at before— but his skin looks soft like he's never had acne before. If I didn't already know how lazy Shikamaru is, I would've thought he might take really good care of his skin. I assume it's just one of many natural good qualities he has. It must be nice to have so many natural nice features.

Unlike him, I didn't get so lucky. My skin's ridiculously dry and I gain weight easily. To top it all off, no matter how much weight I lose, my cheeks never thinned out. Even now that they started to thin out, they're still out of place compared to the rest of my body. I'm cursed with this fat face for the rest of my life. Shikamaru and I are polar opposites when it comes to natural beauty, or looks in general. It shouldn't have shocked me so much when I saw how beautiful his girlfriend was when he's just as beautiful.

If the breakup wasn't too hard on Shikamaru, I hope it's the same for her. I don't have much experience in breakups, but from what I've seen, they're usually pretty hard. My mom, for example, didn't take my dad leaving her very well.

I don't remember my father or know much about him at all. All my mom ever told me is that he left us before I was even a year old. He left the village and no one's seen or heard from him since. He could be dead for all I know. Maybe he left the village to get out of paying child support, but no one really knows. 

Mom had to work twice as hard to support both of us, but she stopped taking care of herself eventually. When her liver started failing, she refused treatment and continued to work as she was slowly dying. When she finally passed, she left everything to me. Everything which has now been destroyed.

I know she wanted to die; I knew it even before she started dying. She never looked quite alive until she got the news that she was going to die. A part of me resents her for letting herself die and leaving me, but the other part of me understands. 

I guess all I can do is hope Shikamaru and Temari don't have the same sad downfall my mother had.

In the midst of all my thoughts, I see a sliver of yellow light behind my eyelids. I open my eyes and see the sky that was black not too long ago, turning a light blue. It's finally morning. I hear the birds outside sing and watch them dart past the window, moving from tree to tree. A warm feeling of comfort engulfs my body as I watch the sun rise. _I really should ask Shikamaru to get some curtains though._

The sun lights up the room, giving me a well-lit view of a sleeping Shikamaru. Some of his hair has fallen back in front of his face again. Instead of brushing it back again, I stare at this style of hair I've never seen on him before. His hair isn't all on length like I had thought. He has what looks to be long bangs that hang just below his cheekbone. I'm glad his hair gets cut the way it is. I like this a lot more than if it were all just one length. It frames his face nicely.

I suppose now that it's light outside, there's no need for me to make him sleep in an uncomfortable position any longer. I remove my hand from his limp grasp, only stopping to think for a moment to ask myself why I hadn't moved it before. I scoot myself back into a sitting position and lightly shake Shikamaru's shoulder to wake him up. No response. I try again and earn a small hum. On my third try, Shikamaru digs his face into the blanket and lets out a tired groan.

"What is it, ba-" Shikamaru cuts himself off the moment he locks eyes with me, leaving his mouth agape. His eyes dart to the side, looking away in what I could only assume was embarrassment. He and I both knew what word he was about to say, but without words or exchange of glances, we agree not to talk about it.

"You should lay down in your own bed. Your back and neck will be sore if you stay like that," I tell him, trying my best to not fumble on my words. I scoot off the bed a little too quickly and attempt to smoothly balance myself on the nightstand, even though my brain feels like it's in a tornado. Once I've regained my balance, I walk out. I feel like I'm being watched as I leave, but I don't turn around to check.

I haven't been in the living room since coming here. I've been staying in Shikamaru's room for the most part, only leaving to use the bathroom. Standing in the archway between the living room and hallway, I look to my left to see where Shikamaru's slept the last two nights. I really do feel bad that he hasn't been sleeping in his own bed because of me, but I can't imagine having to sleep next to the huge window above the couch, especially since the front door is right next to the foot of the couch.

Luckily for me, this window has a curtain. I draw the curtains in, making the living room go dim. The dark isn't that bad now that I can't see outside. I feel a bit more relieved now that my paranoia is seeming to calm down. I hope this paranoia will end when Touma's out of the village.

Shikamaru doesn't have a TV, unlike Touma, so all I had to keep myself busy was a game of shogi against myself. I know I'm not great at strategy games, but I didn't expect to be losing so badly to myself. 

On my third match of shogi against myself, I hear footsteps dragging out of the bedroom. My head peaks up just in time to see Shikamaru walk in, already tying his dark hair up into his signature ponytail. His interest piques when he sees me sitting in front of the shogi board, raising his eyebrows in amusement. He walks over and stares at the board for a minute.

"Are you purposefully making bad moves on the side you're sitting on so the empty side wins?" Shikamaru asks, making me feel even more dejected. He must be able to tell from my expression, so he sits on the side opposite to me and makes a move. Not really sure what move to make, I move a random piece. Just like before, Shikamaru makes a move almost instantly. 

It takes less than a fourth of the time it took in my two previous rounds of shogi for Shikamaru to beat me. 

"They're both your sides, so technically, you won," he says as he pushes himself off the ground. 

"Yeah right, just say that you beat me," I pout, crossing my arms like a child. 

"Not my fault you suck," he retorts. I fall backward on the floor, making a loud thumb as my back and head hit the wood. Unbothered or concerned about the noise, Shikamaru speaks to me again. "Wanna eat so you don't starve?" 

I let out an annoyed huff. I hear less commotion from the pans and dishes in the kitchen as Shikamaru waits for me to answer. "A slice of bread," I utter hesitantly, regretting it once the words leave my lips. Shikamaru hums a ' _mhm_ ' and the noise in the kitchen resumes. The guilt gnaws at me while I wait. 

Much too soon, Shikamaru nudges me with his foot. I turn my head to the side to look at him holding a paper towel with a plain piece of white bread on it. I push myself up with my hands and take it from him. He leaves right after I take it. I trudge over to the table and sit down, beginning to nibble at the soft bread. 

Shikamaru returns and sits across from me with a glass bowl of white rice with a fried egg on top. I stare at his food —in envy or disgust, I'm not really sure— and he starts eating without noticing.

I can't recall the last time I ate a meal with that many calories, or the last time I ate breakfast at all. It must be easy for Shikamaru to not have to worry about gaining weight. He's naturally thin, but he's also fit since he has to move around a lot for his job. Even though he's been suspended for probably over a week now, he looks just as in shape as he did when I met him. If I ate the same as him _and_ stopped working out, I'd probably gain ten pounds in a week.

"Mi." The usual thump in my chest wakes me from my train of thought. _I hate that stupid nickname._ "You've been staring at my food for a while. Do you want some?" He's pushing it now. I'm embarrassed that he noticed me staring. I guess he noticed while I was absorbed in my thoughts. I shake my head and go back to taking small bites of my bread which I had forgotten about.

Though I try to focus on the bread I'm eating, my chest still feels weird from the nickname he called me. I glance at him while he's eating his rice carefree. 

"Why do you call me that?" I blurt out. Shikamaru's eyes shoot up to mine and he tilts his head to the side.

"Hm?"

I sigh, feeling embarrassment creep onto my cheeks. "That nickname."

He hums when it clicks in his head, swallowing his food before responding. "It's just easier for me," he explains, shoving more rice in his mouth. Watching him eat makes me uncomfortable, but it's not as bad as watching Touma since Shikamaru keeps his mouth closed while he chews. 

"How is it any easier? My name's already short as it is."

"It's too similar to Mirai," he tells me. _Well, I can't exactly argue with that._ "Does it bother you?" The answer is simple. _Yes, it does bother me because every time you say it, I feel weird._ I think the words, but they can't pass my lips. I shake my head and go back to my bread, finishing it quickly so I can leave. 

I scoot away from the table and stand up to throw away the paper towel and go back to the bedroom, but Shikamaru stops me, holding up a finger to tell me to stay. I sit back down and wait for him to finish chewing his food. His adam's apple bobs as the food slides down his throat. 

"I'm going to the store when I'm done eating and I'll probably be gone for an hour or so. Do you think you'll be okay alone?" he questions with a concerned look on his face.

_Who would've known that two nights of me throwing a fit in a row would give a reason for someone to worry about my ability to be alone in a house?_

If I'm going to be honest with myself, the answer is a hard no. My brain will probably twist the next hour into some kind of horror plot from a movie. But what other options do I have? Sit here and continue to borrow Shikamaru's boxers? Nope, not happening. Even if they are ridiculously comfortable.

I nod, not bothering to mask the nervousness all over my face. I'm sure Shikamaru knows better than I do how bad the next hour or so is going to be for me, but making him stay would only postpone the issue, not get rid of it entirely. Shikamaru hums a response and digs back into his breakfast. I take that as my cue to leave, throwing away the paper towel before isolating myself in Shikamaru's bedroom.

_I wish the week would just hurry up and be over,_ I think to myself as I flop on the bed. I'm beyond grateful for everything Shikamaru's doing for me, and he is one of my closest friends. But _holy shit_ , being around him feels unbearably awkward. Sure, my situation might have made it just that much weirder, but I can't imagine this being any easier before.

When he was sleeping next to me, it was fine. I don't have to talk to him or worry about what I'm saying. Things were much easier when I wasn't around him all day like I am now. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, but I just can't help but think things were a lot easier before I met Touma.

That can be said about a lot of things, though.

I hadn't thought about it before, but with Touma on my mind, I come to a realization I hadn't had before. Now that I'm gone, doesn't that mean Touma and I are technically broken up? I never agreed to officially being together in the first place, but it's not like I objected to it. Is running away a valid breakup?

At least Shikamaru and I have one thing in common with our breakups. Club of _The Recently Single But Not As Upset About The Breakup As Normal People Would Be._ Oh, and don't forget how we both seem to forget we're not in those relationships anymore. Lucky for him that his relationship didn't leave him with anxiety attacks.

A question that I've repressed all day bubbles in my chest and finds its way back in my brain. I can't help but wonder which one he was going to say earlier. He only got half the word out but... it had to be babe or baby, right? I never saw Shikamaru as the type of guy to use pet names with a woman, but it flowed out of his mouth so naturally.

I wonder if Shikamaru was disappointed when he opened his eyes and saw me instead of Temari.

There's no reason for me to be upset if he did, but still, the idea that he did makes me feel a little down. I've only been causing problems for him since I showed up. I'm sleeping in his bed, wearing his clothes, bothering him, and making him lose sleep. I know he was the safest choice to go to, not to mention my only rational choice. Sure, I could've gone to the Hokage, but then I'd just be sent back to Tonaki anyway, and I'm sure Touma would find me again.

I hear footsteps walk down the hallway, becoming louder as they come closer and walking into the room. I glance up and catch Shikamaru digging through his dresser, pulling out clean clothes. He walks out but returns a couple of minutes later in new clothes. He's wearing a dark blue t-shirt that's probably a size too big and black pants. 

"I'm leaving now. Have you thought of anything else you might need?" He leans on the door frame.

"No, just hurry back," I gulp, the fear already starting to build in my chest. He isn't even gone yet, but it feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and walks away. Every step I hear increases the speed of my heart rate a little more. His footsteps get drowned out by the sound of my heartbeat in my ears. I don't hear anything but that until I hear the click of the front door. A cold chill runs down my spine.

_Calm down, Mira. He'll be back sooner than you think. There's no reason to get worked up over nothing._ It's what I try to tell myself, but the panicked thoughts are so much louder than these.

_What if he runs into Touma at the store? What if Touma sees him and follows him home? Would Shikamaru do anything if he saw him? Does Touma already know I'm here and he's just been waiting outside until Shikamaru leaves for his chance?_ The last question throws me into full-blown paranoia.

I find myself checking every window, corner, and room in the house. I even check under the bed, though I doubt he'd actually be able to fit under there. 

My short panicked breaths turn into desperate gasps for oxygen. My skin feels tingly like bugs are crawling all over me. No, it isn't bugs. It's Touma's hands. Touching me. Grabbing my thighs. Petting me like a dog. I can feel him all over me. I let out something in the middle of a gasp and a whimper, and collapse on my knees in the hallway.

I just need to get through the next hour, and Shikamaru will be back, right? Everything will get better when he's back, so I don't need to worry. 

It's like no matter how hard I try to tell myself that things are going to be okay, I will only feel worse. An hour is more than enough time for Touma to break in and take me back. It's more than enough time for him to hurt Shikamaru. How long has it been already? He could be with Shikamaru right now.

The tap of a tree branch hitting a window makes me shriek and cover my body with my arms. I slap my hand over my mouth, shocked by the scream that had escaped my throat. Touma isn't even here, so why am I scared? Why am I still scared to scream? Why can I feel his hands all over me? It's been almost two days since I saw him and I can still feel his heavy breath panting on the back of my neck.

I spot the door at the end of the hall that leads into the bathroom. I don't know what about it feels so safe, but I couldn't care less. I crawl into the bathroom and slam the door behind me, not bothering to turn the lights on. I dig my face into my knees and let cries wrack my body. 

I don't know the last time I let myself cry like this. And this time, I'm not sad. I'm scared. Every second that passes feels worse than the last. I don't want to be alone in this house anymore, but I have no choice but to wait it out until Shikamaru gets back.

Whenever I start to feel okay again, that familiar wave of panic crashes down on me, getting worse each time. For a second, I consider that maybe it was better when I was with Touma. I didn't have these when I was with him. Sure, I was scared of him, but not like this. All I had to do before was deal with it, but now all I can do is be terrified of going back. This terrified side of me wishes I had never left.

I know down to my core that being here is better. Even though I'm terrified now, I'll be okay once Shikamaru gets back. I'll feel safe again. I just need to push through this. Shikamaru will be home soon. I just need to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn i got 800 hits on here now.. that's dope asf... thank u ily <3


	19. eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posted early cuz i got 1k hits on here :3

** _Shikamaru Nara_ **

I feel bad for leaving Mira at home all by herself, even if it couldn't be helped. It's obvious that she isn't ready to be alone yet, and it was made even more obvious when I left. She was nervous, but she told me to go anyway. I wanted to ask Ino or Choji to come over to keep her comfortable, but with our current circumstances, I can't. This wasn't going to be avoidable, so it's better I get it done sooner rather than later. All I can do is hope she's doing better than last night.

I decided when I was calming Mira down in the middle of the night that leaving in the morning would be a better idea. After seeing her in that state, I thought this must be the better option. I'm pretty sure she was awake when she was freaking out this time, so I assumed it must've been the dark that made it so bad. She seemed okay during the day while she was in my room. I probably should've asked her if it was about the dark before I left, though. 

_You're a damn idiot, Shikamaru._

Even though I've done this before, I can't help but feel a little nervous about buying clothes for another woman. I hope she isn't too picky. She'll only be around me anyway. Once her asshole ex-boyfriend, she'll be able to get all her clothes back.

But when will that be? How long will I have this girl sleeping in my bed? How long do I have to try to get her to eat?

This girl is a drag. 

I've only known Mira for two months, and a chunk of that time she was kidnapped or busy hating me, but we've become decently close in that short amount of time. Every day I've spent with her, I've realized just how troublesome she is, but I can't shake her. She's unlike any girl I've ever met before. After all the shit she's put herself through, or been put through, she still manages to be a brat.

When I told her that she'd been acting differently with me, it was like a switch flipped in her brain. Having her back to normal was a relief for me, but I know it isn't real. It's only the second day she's been here. She's terrified. She's just putting on a mask for me.

I only know a few things about Touma: he has jealousy problems, he drugged her, kidnapped her, sexually assaulted her —or 'checked' as she called it— and overall was a psychotic bastard. She has every reason to be scared. It's taking everything in me not to walk up to his apartment right now and kill that piece of shit.

The only thing keeping me from beating him senseless is that I'll be in deep shit once Kakashi finds out about Mira. Not that it matters much to me, because keeping her safe is my top priority right now. If that gets me fired or knocks down my ranking or pay, then whatever. There are much simpler jobs out there, they just don't pay as well.

In what felt like no time at all, I end up in front of the store. I'm about to walk in until I see the large figure of a man from the corner of my eye. Looking over my shoulder, I confirm that my suspicions were right. Touma has his back faced to me, only about twenty or so feet away. If I were still with Temari, it wouldn't look so weird to buy girl's clothes from the store. But Touma's crazy. Even if I pretend like Tem and I are still together, he would never believe me.

Perhaps I'm being too cautious, but I don't plan on this freak following me home.

I swivel around and walk away from Touma, creating a safe distance and turning around the corner when I feel comfortable. I peek behind the corner after a couple of minutes to see if he's moved, which he hasn't.

I can't say that I'm shocked that I'm seeing him, but it would make this a hell of a lot easier if he were anywhere _but_ here. I don't know how long he's going to stand there for. What was he even doing? I can't just stand here all day and wait for him to leave when Mira's expecting me there in less than an hour.

I peek behind the corner once more, noticing the absence of the large man who was there only a few minutes ago. I sigh in relief and stroll to the store, checking my surroundings once more before going inside. I shuffle to the women's section of the store, quickly grabbing things.

She only really wears black and grey, so that's the color scheme I'm aiming to get her. I grab two t-shirts, a hoodie, a tank top, a long sleeve shirt, a pair of shorts for her to sleep in, and a pair of jeans, sweatpants, and cargos like I usually see her wear. With the easy part finished, I move on to the awkward part.

With her tops, I got her a size or two bigger than she actually is, because she usually wears clothes that are baggy on her anyway. With her pants, I was just making educated guesses, and if I'm wrong, she can wear a belt. I think I also may have subconsciously bought her bigger sizes so they'll still fit when she starts to gain weight. However, it's different with these. These _have_ to fit her.

_Should I grab some that are a size up so she'll still have some when she gains weight? Or would she think that's weird?_

I hesitantly open the drawer with the 'XS' label on it and blindly grab a handful of women's underwear. If she so much as complains about the color, I'm gonna... Well, I don't know what I'll do, but my point is that she better not.

I stare at the drawer directly next to the 'XS' drawer, pondering if I should do this. Internally groaning, I open the drawer with the 'S' label on it and do the same thing I had done before. I don't care if she thinks it's weird, because it's saving me from having to do this again for a while.

Next mission: bras.

She said she prefers sports bras, which are thankfully less complex than normal bras. I grab several in her size and toss them in the basket. With that over and done with, I let out an exhausted breath I had been holding in. I had no problem with buying these things before, but Mira and I are in a much different situation than Temari and I were. I feel like touching these clothes that will be Mira's soon is violating, even though I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Temari was my girlfriend, so it's obvious I was going to be buying clothes for her. We were having sex, so I had no issue with it. If anything, I liked buying her clothes because I got to pick what I got to see her in. Whether it was normal clothes or lingerie —preferably lingerie,— I liked doing that for her. But now, I'm a single dude buying underwear for my friend with a crazy boyfriend.

_Sorry. Ex-boyfriend,_ I mentally correct myself.

The thoughts of Temari along with the familiarity of buying women's clothes pulls me into deep thought that I've been putting off since the breakup. It's been maybe a week since we broke up, so I'm obviously not going to be over it. I knew it was coming, though, so I can't say I'm sad. I never expected us to last forever in the first place.

Since we have connections with each of our lands Kage's, we had ways to communicate, so we wrote letters to each other when we couldn't be around the other. The last couple of letters were fights. You'd think I'd be happy it's over letter so she can't hit me, but she makes up for the physical pain by being extra mean. It was no surprise after our Allied Shinobi meeting when she took me to the side and proposed the idea of breaking up to me, and I agreed.

I know she wanted me to beg for her not to leave me, but she was too proud to say anything. But I dated her for a year, and I know when her feelings are hurt. Temari's an amazing woman, but we're too different. Tem is needy. _So fucking needy._ It's not like she doesn't deserve someone who would give her all their time and affection, but I couldn't be that person for her. Maybe things could have been different if she lived here, but she has her own business with her brothers in the Sand. 

What's nerve-wracking about all of this is that I haven't got a clue how Temari's taking it. Even though it was her idea, she seemed shocked when I agreed without an argument. I can't tell if she truly wanted to break up, or if she was just trying to get me to chase after her. If that's the case, is she still waiting for me to chase after her? And what will she do if I don't?

I don't plan on chasing Temari this time. Since we were teenagers, she's been a great friend and an even greater ally. I want her in my life, but the romantic aspect of it is over. I'm thankful I get to have these fond memories and feelings towards her even after the breakup because I still have to see the troublesome woman once a month for the Allied Shinobi meeting. I just hope she finds a guy in her village who can fulfill all the needs that I couldn't.

Without realizing it, I'm already handing my money to the cashier and taking the bags of Mira's new clothes from his hands. If things continue smoothly, I'll be back home before I hit the hour mark. Chances are, when I get home I'm going to have to calm her down again.

Halfway back home, I hear a familiar unsettling voice say my name. I tense up, thinking that I've been caught until I hear my name again. This time, I hear the full sentence. 

"Do you know Shikamaru?" Touma asks in a polite voice. I haven't got a clue how he's masking his anger like that, because he sure as hell has never tried to before. I hear a faint 'yes' come from a woman in reply to him, and he follows up with another question— one which makes my blood run cold. 

"Do you know where he lives?" I ignore everything he says after that, trying to think up something quick to get the hell out of here. Of course, he would suspect me first. Mira should've gone to Ino or Choji's if she wanted to be safe. Why the hell would she go to me when she probably knows better than anyone how much Touma hates me?

Thankfully, Touma can only ask people who aren't shinobi. Shinobi of the leaf don't give around people's addresses like that, but there are still a few non-shinobi who know where my clan resides. I'm not too worried about myself, because I don't think those few that know are stupid, but I'm still worried about Mira. Hypothetically, if he did find out where I live, having Mira there would be dangerous. I can't risk him getting to her.

I'm confident that I could fuck him up if it came to it. I've held back on him before because I didn't want to get fired, but the situation has completely changed since knowing the shit he's put her through. 

I'm taking her to Choji's the moment I get home. With Ino working at the flower shop and living alone, Mira would be defenseless in her house. Choji has more free time than Ino, plus, he still lives with his parents. Even if Choji leaves on a mission, she'll never be alone. Choji's dad and mine were old pals and teammates, so I know he's strong and can protect her if he needs to. I'll let them know what they need to know.

I'm not certain how Mira will take the news. She's an idiot, but I'm sure she knew from the beginning how risky it was coming to me. Touma has convinced himself that I'm some douchebag that wants to sleep with his girlfriend. Now that I'm living with her, I bet his mind is constantly running with perverted scenarios between her and me. 

I bite back the grin tugging at my lips. 

He's probably driving himself to the brink of madness —let's be honest, he's way past that— thinking about it. The spiteful side of me wants to know what kind of reaction he'd have if something like that did happen between me and Mira. Sure, I got to see his reaction when I _said_ that I did, but actually executing it would be so fulfilling.

I shake the perverted thoughts out of my head the moment my mind begins to slip. _C'mon Shikamaru, don't think like that jackass._

Even though it's a thought that crosses my mind, I could never actually go through with sleeping with her. I can't help but feel down when I see Mira's body. She has a pretty face, I'll admit that, but I wouldn't be able to get... aroused because I'd be busy thinking about how much she tortured herself to get that body. I'm glad that her cheeks didn't shrink too much while she was gone or else she wouldn't look like herself. I would never tell her this, but when I see her boney arms, all I can do is pity her.

Pity sex has never been my strong suit.

_Dammit! Stop thinking about it!_

I focus again on the problem at hand. Touma's still standing there, talking to random people. He's directly in my path to get home. Yeah, I could turn around and find a different way to get around him, but I have a feeling telling me that I need to get home as soon as possible. 

_Fuck it. It's worth a try._

I move the bags in my left hand to my right and pull my hair out of its ponytail, letting it fall on my shoulders. My natural part falls to the right, so I decide to walk to the left of Touma so my hair covers my face. It's a half-assed disguise, but not many people have seen me with my hair down. My hair is probably my trademark.

As to why I keep my hair long, just to tie it back... I haven't got a clue. But my old man did it, so it's just stuck with me.

I walk by the giant of a man without an issue. I don't check behind me until I'm sure that I'm far enough that if I turned, he wouldn't be able to make out my face. Luckily, he hasn't noticed me and is even turned around talking to some man. I pick up my pace to get home faster. Something's telling me that Mira isn't okay right now.

Only a few meters away from my house, I turn around to check one more time for anyone following me. Absolutely nothing. I speed up to my front door, pulling my key from my pocket and unlocking my front door. I turn the knob, half-expecting Mira to be at the door the second I walked in. But she isn't. I assume she's in my room so I go in, dropping the bags at the foot of the bed. I see a lump in the blankets and I tie my hair back up before reaching to grab her shoulder. Instead of grabbing her, my hand sinks into the bed. She's not in here either.

Time to start panicking. I check in the kitchen and the closet and find nothing. No sign of her. I check in the laundry room, under the bed, and the pantry and still find nothing.

There's no way Touma could have gotten here before me. Did she choose to leave then? Did she freak out and go to Ino or Choji's? Did she run after me? God, she better not be going back to Touma. I really hope it isn't that. Either way, I have no fucking clue where the hell she is. She acts like such an idiot sometimes. She really had no clue what's best for her. She could've at least left me a goddamn note.

I stop my search to slam my fist against the wall in the hallway to let my frustration out. I had expected the loud thud when I hit the wall, but not the sound of panicked whimpering to my left. I turn my head and see the bathroom door that hadn't been closed when I left but is shut now. All the tension leaves my body.

_I never thought I'd be this relieved to hear a girl cry, but here we are._

I don't think before I rush to the door and swing it open, regretting it when Mira makes a sound somewhere between crying and a shriek. Just as she did this morning, her face is buried in between her knees, wrapping her arms around herself as if it will protect her.

Slowly, I squat down beside her, trying to think of a way to announce that I'm here without upsetting her. "I'm back from the store," I say casually, keeping my voice quieter so I don't startle her too much. I can't say whether or not it was the right thing to say, but she needed to know it was me somehow and it's the only thing I could think of. I place my hand on her back carefully to comfort her. 

I haven't had much experience with crying women in my life. Temari rarely ever let her emotions get the better of her, and the only times I really ever saw Ino cry was over Sasuke or Asuma. I've known Ino practically my whole life, but she and I were never close enough to be emotional with each other. Does that mean I'm closer to Mira than I am Ino? Or is Mira just a crybaby?

"What took you so long?" Mira's stubborn voice croaks. Even when she's vulnerable and hiding behind her knees, she still manages to be a brat.

"I wasn't gone for more than an hour," I tell her, and I hear her breath hitch.

"It didn't feel like an hour," she grumbles, sounding like she's embarrassed. A smile tugs at my lips, and I don't bother pushing it down.

"Yeah sure, whatever," I sigh, removing my hand from her back. "You should go put on your own clothes now."

"These are so comfy, though," she whines, picking her head up. I catch a glimpse of her face and feel a twinge of guilt in my chest. Her eyes are red and swollen. Just how long was she crying for?

"You could still wear them if you want, but you'll start to smell after a while," I tease and her swollen eyes narrow at me. She must realize the state of her appearance at that moment because her eyes widen and she digs her face back in her knees.

"Fine, I'll get changed in a few minutes," she says, her voice muffled by her legs.

"C'mon, it's not like I haven't seen you cry before. You didn't seem to mind the first time you cried in front of me. Why is it a problem now?" Her body freezes at my question and she shrugs.

"My face just... looks really fat when I cry. My cheeks get swollen and I look how I used to before," she confides. 

I unintentionally let out an exasperated sigh. I never understood why she has this obsession with her cheeks or her face in general. Everyone's face gets a little puffy when they cry, and hers was no different, but it doesn't mean that it's ugly. And it's not like she thinks all fuller cheeks like hers are bad, it's just her own. 

"You're a drag, Mi," I complain, watching her body tense as it always does when I call her that nickname. I think she hates it, but I like watching her reaction. I stand up and stretch my legs out. "The clothes are in the bedroom. I'll be in the living room." After the words finish leaving my lips, I remember the decision I made earlier to take her to Choji's. After finding Mira like this, I'm hesitant to be away from her, but it's reasons like this why she needs to leave. _She'll be safe._ "Come out when you're done. I need to talk to you about something."

I walk away, not giving her the chance to say anything to me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go about this topic with a clearly mentally unstable girl. How do I even bring it up? It's not like I _want_ her to leave, but I _want_ her to be safe. If Touma's going to be looking for me, even visiting her would be a bad idea. After finally getting her back, I have to hand her off to someone else.

_What if Touma finds Choji while he's searching for me, and sees Mira?_

If only that idiot of a girl would let me help her. If we had just gone to Kakashi in the beginning, Touma wouldn't be a threat in the slightest anymore. At this rate, he might just get away with it. It feels like Mira is protecting Touma. 

That's something someone as troublesome as her would do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to the people who compliment my writing you fuel my ego. it encourages me to put out chapters faster :3  
> (but on another note i just finished banana fish and i'm in pain, gimmie a few business days to reset)


	20. nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh... this is late... sorry i've been playing danganronpa v3

**_ Mira Tanaka _ **

I was less eager to leave the bathroom once Shikamaru's words registered in my head. Why did he tell me he needs to talk to me so seriously? It's unlike him. Shikamaru and I have had moments where it's only appropriate to be serious, but saying things like 'we need to talk' has never been necessary. Did something happen while he was out? 

_The sooner I get up, the sooner this 'talk' will be over,_ I tell myself.

I force myself to stand up, feeling my body sway once I'm upright. My head is throbbing but I make myself move anyway, though it would feel better to just fall on the floor and sleep. I stagger to the bedroom where there are a few bags of clothes waiting for me. I pick them up and begin to dig through my new clothes, making sure these wouldn't make me drop dead from embarrassment. He pretty much hit the nail on the head. This is the type of clothes I usually buy myself.

I pull out a t-shirt and sweatpants and look through the other bags for a bra and underwear. I pull out the first ones I see, not caring for the type or color, and put my new clothes on in a rush. 

They fit like my old clothes do, which is appreciated. I've been having to adjust Shikamaru's sweatpants every five minutes. I'm not a fan of the smell they give off, though. They're brand new, so it's expected for this type of smell. I probably should've washed them first, but Shikamaru made me feel like I needed to hurry. Whatever. There isn't much I can do about it now. 

I add Shikamaru's clothes to the small pile of clothes that I came here in and walk into the living room where Shikamaru's waiting. Seeing his posture straightened and rigid adds to the anxiety I'm feeling in my chest. He doesn't look comfortable, meaning this won't be a comfortable conversation. 

I sit farther from him than I usually would, suddenly afraid of being too close to him. I open my mouth to make a dumb joke to ease the tension, but he speaks before I can.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here any longer," he tells me bluntly, getting straight to the point. He doesn't look at me when he says it, only his hands. Saying my stomach dropped would be an understatement. It feels as if my stomach was thrown from a plane, throwing my heart along with it. It looks like he's going to continue speaking, but I cut him off before he gets the chance.

"Why?" I blurt out, trying to look at his eyes, but his eyes remain glued to his hand. I do hate the way he looks at me sometimes, but right now this seems to hurt even more. I can't let myself get upset yet, though. I'm a pushover most of the time, but I'm not giving up staying here without a fight. 

"It's not safe," he starts, letting out a long, tired sigh. "I'm sure you knew when you came here that I'd be the first person he'd suspect you'd go to." Of course, I've thought about it. I think about it all the time. 

"Are you scared of him?" I ask genuinely, receiving a harsh side-eye from Shikamaru.

"Of course not, I'm not worried about me. _You_ are who's scared of him," he utters. "You should-"

"I'm not scared when I'm here," I interject.

"That's obviously a lie," he counters, referring to the state he found me in less than half an hour ago.

"...I'm not scared when you're here," I defend.

"And that's another lie," he groans.

"Whatever!" I accidentally shout at him, forgetting how to manage my frustrations for a moment. "What am I supposed to do? I don't have anywhere to-"

"Goddammit, if you'd let me finish, Mira," he scolds, spitting out my name harsh enough that it silences me. He watches me from the corner of his eye until he's sure I'm done talking. "You should stay with Choji instead, at least until _he's_ gone." Shikamaru looks away from me again. "I go back to work in a few days, so it's better this way. Choji still lives with his parents and they're both retired, so you'll always have company."

It looks like Shikamaru's thought this through quite a bit. How long has he wanted me to leave? As much as I appreciate the hard work he put into coming up with this plan, it's all gonna go to waste because I am _not_ going to Choji's. Choji is my friend and I care about him, but this situation has nothing to do with him, and I won't let him get wrapped in it.

"I'm not doing that," I decide boldly. 

"Well, it's the best option. Ino lives alone and she's been working a lot more lately and on top of that she still has to take care of the flower shop, but if that's the better for you then-"

"I'm not leaving," I specify. Shikamaru's eyebrows crease and his already tense body seems to become even tenser.

"You can't stay here," he states.

"Well, too bad, 'cause I am," I protest stubbornly, leaning toward him.

"No," he bites, "you aren't." The crease between his eyebrow deepens as I continue to stare him down, unwavering. 

"You can't make me change my mind," I snark, my lips curling up into a cocky smile. Finally, Shikamaru turns his head to look at me. His irritation is so obvious on his face it could be written on his forehead.

Shikamaru shoots up from his seat and stomps down the hallway. When I hear the sound of plastic bags crinkling, I realize what he's doing. I stand up quickly and walk as fast as someone who's sight just went blurry can. I try my best to ignore the throbbing in my head and step into the room. I watch as his hands reach inside the plastic bags, grabbing a handful of clothes, and shove them into a backpack. Without a moment of hesitation, I snatch the bags away and throw them across the room where he can't reach them.

"Stop it, Shikamaru!" I yell, cringing when I hear the desperation in my voice. I stand between the pathway to the clothes, as if I'd be strong enough to stop him. Shikamaru tries to walk past me but I put my hands against his chest in an attempt to push him away, which only barely works. Even right in front of him, he refuses to look at me. 

"Move," he commands, but I don't move. Maybe I'm too scared to, or maybe I'm even more scared of what'll happen if I do. 

"I don't care if you take away the clothes, I'll just wear yours again," I argue, glaring at him. "I don't want to leave even if it is riskier for me to be here. If you aren't scared of him, then I have nothing to worry about, right?" I'm praying for him to tell me I'm right, but he just closes his eyes, looking even angrier.

"For fucks sake, Mira," he growls, putting his hands underneath my armpits and lifting me up like a toddler. I already know his plan, so before he can toss me on the bed, I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him down with me. He's taken by surprise and catches himself on his elbows before his body falls onto mine. I don't let him go, and end up wrapping my arms around him tighter.

"Let go," he demands, keeping the same hostility in his voice as before. I shake my head into the crook of his neck and he attempts to pull away, but I don't let go. If he really wanted me gone so badly, he could pry my arms away.

"Please don't make me leave," I whimper. I'm too tired to argue anymore. All I've wanted to do since he got back is sleep. "I don't want Ino or Choji to see me like this. I want to be better the next time they see me. I want to not be scared of Touma when they find out. I want to be healthy when they find out about my eating. I don't want to let them down. I've already put you through so much, Shikamaru. I can't do that to more people," I vent, feeling Shikamaru's tense shoulders loosen up. 

"They're your friends. They would want to help you right now," he tells me, with a new warmth in his voice. 

"It's not their job to help me just because we're friends. It's not yours either but you chose to get yourself involved," I mumble the last part and I hear Shikamaru let out an amused sigh, feeling his breath hit my shoulder.

Shikamaru gently pulls against my arms and I release Shikamaru from my grip. He doesn't stand up. He only pulls his head back enough to finally look at me. I'm not crying, but seeing his dejected face sure does make me feel like it. His eyes slowly trail down my face but shoot up the moment they pause. 

"You win," he admits in barely a whisper. He lets his body fall limp on top of mine, which I didn't mind at first, but he's heavier than he looks. On top of that, his hip is pushing into the bruise on my waist. 

I wiggle underneath him, trying to escape. "I can't breathe," I pant, putting my hands to his chest to push him away, to no avail, because my stick arms aren't strong enough to lift him off of me. I feel his body shake with quiet laughter before he pushes himself off. He examines me one more time before fully standing up. 

"I'm sorry," he apologizes, holding out a hand for me to pull myself up with. I take his hand and he slowly pulls me to my feet. My shirt, which apparently bunched up on my way down with Shikamaru, falls back down across my stomach. 

"You should be sorry," I huff grumpily. "Even if you kicked me out, I'd just come back."

"You're still an idiot for not doing it," he admits with a small smirk. "I'm just sorry about being that cold toward you."

"Whatever," I grumble, glaring at his cocky smirk. "You're the idiot here."

"Yeah, whatever you say," he yawns. _Guess arguing with me for half an hour really took it out of him, huh?_

Shikamaru turns around and faces his dresser, staring at it for a moment as if deciding something. He opens two drawers and begins emptying one and putting the clothes into the other one. When it's completely empty, he begins pulling my new clothes out of the backpack and into the drawer, following with what remains in the plastic bags when he's finished with the backpack.

"This will do, for now, I guess," he says to himself, pushing his hands into his pockets.

I stay silent for a moment, pondering whether or not I should ask him the question that's been on my mind since putting these new clothes on. "Can I still wear the clothes you let me borrow?" I ask, doing my best 'puppy begging for food' face.

Shikamaru thinks for a bit, looking off to the side where his clothes are laying. "Sure, but not the sweatpants. I need those," he tells me. I feel a weight in my chest lift hearing his answer. The sweats weren't something I was desperate to wear again anyway. I smile at him and he averts his eyes away from me. "Well, I'm going to go to sleep so just... wake me up if it's important." I happily nod and he turns to leave awkwardly.

I watch him walk out and the second he's out of sight, I fall back and collapse on the bed. Shikamaru's never gotten that angry with me before. Sure, he's gotten annoyed with me, but for a moment there, he looked really angry.

At least we went back to normal pretty quickly, but it could just be because we're both shit at dealing with these kinds of things. I've never really argued with someone before, besides Mom. Shikamaru didn't yell at me, but I wonder what it would be like if he did. The idea of it sounds mostly terrifying but slightly... thrilling.

It was so easy to get angry. To yell. After exhausting myself from crying, I had adrenaline pumping through my veins and I needed to get all of it out. I don't want to be angry at Shikamaru, but yelling at him felt like I was getting every toxin out of my system. 

I have so much anger that's been building up for years that I've never been able to let out. Anger at mom. Anger at Touma. Anger at people who destroyed my village. Anger at myself. Anger that I haven't had the chance to let out before. I just want to get it all out. I want to destroy something just to watch it break.

I'm happy here, so I have no reason to complain anymore. But it's what I want to do. It's all I've ever wanted to do.

—

For whatever reason, I'm unable to fall asleep after Shikamaru leaves. I chose to blame it on the adrenaline, but it might be due to thoughts running through my head of different outcomes of Shikamaru and I's argument.

An hour or so after he went to take his nap, I see Shikamaru peek through the crack of the door for a second, but he leaves almost instantly. I'm a little confused for a second, but I push it out of my mind. Shortly after, I hear the sound of water running from the hallway bathroom.

I have nothing else to do, so I listen to the shower running, which goes on for longer than I expected. After half an hour, he's still not out. I understand long baths, but long showers? _Whatever, it's his water bill, not mine._ Another ten minutes pass and I hear a knob squeak and the water stops. Not too long after, I hear Shikamaru's footsteps walk down the hall and stop in front of the room.

I look up right as Shikamaru begins to push the door open. He's half-covered by the door and I think it's intentional. From what I can see, it looks like he's not wearing a shirt. I consider looking away, but I second-guess myself for too long. I force my eyes back to his, but he's not looking at me. It seems he's focused on something else in the room.

"I just need to grab a shirt," he mumbles, hesitantly taking his first step into the bedroom. He walks almost carefully to his dresser, fumbling around for a moment before he pulls out a white piece of fabric.

It's hard to look at anything except his body as he pulls the shirt over his head. As he stretches to put the shirt on, his muscles become more defined. Shikamaru's a thin guy, but he's not what I'd call skinny either. He's definitely got muscle and he eats properly as well. His strength may not be apparent in his usual attire, but I can see it now. In his arms, abdomen, back, and whatever else my eyes can find. I suppose the right term for his body is lean.

Watching him like this is entirely different than when I had watched Touma get changed. Touma's a little chubby, so his muscles aren't as defined as Shikamaru's, despite being immensely stronger than him. At first glance, you can't tell Touma's _that_ strong. Another difference is that Touma has been more than comfortable getting changed in front of me since the beginning. Shikamaru, however, looks like he's embarrassed. I guess that's no surprise since Touma and I were together.

_Were. Past tense._

I hope that Touma's been okay since I've been gone. He could be a little violent towards himself sometimes, so I hope he isn't taking it out on himself too much. I'd feel bad if he's been blaming and hurting himself this whole time. He just needs to get better.

The bed dips down on my left as the weight on the bed shifts. I turn my head to look at Shikamaru, who's now sitting beside me. The look on his face seems awkward, so I'm guessing there's something else he wants to talk about. I don't want to rush him, so I stay quiet and give him time to think about what he's going to say. The longer he stays quiet, the more uneasy I get.

"So, uh..." he says quietly. I watch him bite the inside of his cheek. "When you came here and told me everything, you didn't actually tell me everything, did you?" he finally says, looking at me.

"About Touma?" I reply dumbly. Shikamaru nods wordlessly. "What do you mean?"

Shikamaru lets out a sigh. "The things he did to you," he explains, his eyes trailing from mine down to my stomach. "I saw a bruise on you." My breath hitches in my throat when I recall that my shirt had gotten bunched up when Shikamaru attempted to toss me on the bed. He saw the bruise that Touma left on me before I ran away. My hand unconsciously touches the bruised area.

I don't bother replying to Shikamaru. He's not dumb enough to believe me if I try to lie right now. He knows the type of person Touma is and he knows this bruise isn't just a coincidence. There's no other way I could've gotten a bruise this bad simply by an accident.

I feel foreign fingers hook underneath the hem of my shirt on the side that the bruise is on, revealing it. A weird warmth rushes up my face. The bruise is big and by the looks of Shikamaru's expression, it's worse than he expected. His fingers hover over the bruise, like he wants to touch it but knows that he shouldn't.

"It looks worse than it is," I laugh off, but Shikamaru's face turns bitter.

"As if that makes it any better," he responds coldly. I don't think the hostility in his voice is directed towards me. "You shouldn't be moving too much with a bruise this bad. You'll hurt yourself." 

"It's fi-"

"Shut it," he commands, parent-like. "You need to rest for a few days so it can heal faster." Based on his tone, I feel like I don't have much of an option with this. I can't walk well as it is, so I guess I'm fine with this new rule. I nod, giving in to his orders. He lets my shirt fall back down, covering the black and blue mess covering my left side. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. 

"Whatever you say, Bossman," I jest, forcing a smile. No harm in trying to ease the tension, right?

Shikamaru's eyes lose their fatherly sternness to them and his expression softens, tilting his head. "You act like a toddler, you know that?" he sighs, pushing down a grin of his own.

"It's good practice for when you have kids, right?" I poke, followed by a low chuckle from Shikamaru's lips.

"Man, I hope my kids aren't as troublesome as you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if any of you have played danganronpa v3... 5th chapter.... ouch.. (also might take a 2 week hiatus to get my GED and some future chapters done)


	21. twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that month went by pretty quick huh

These last few days have made me feel like a _literal_ child again, and not in a good way. I'm only 'allowed' to leave the bed if I go to the bathroom. If I try anything else, I get scolded by Shikamaru. For some reason, he prefers to burden himself with things such as making me food —that is, when I actually feel like eating— and meeting my every need. The issue with this overprotective plan of his is that Shikamaru likes to nap... a lot. This leads to me having to usually wait it out to ask for things or shout his names as many times as needed until he wakes up. Honestly, all of this seems like more strain on my body than just getting up and doing things myself. 

On a lighter note, the bruise has faded significantly. Rather than the mix of blues and purples that it was before, it's mostly brown and yellow. Shikamaru brings me an ice pack once or twice a day and it's probably the main reason why it's healed so nicely. It also helps with the pain, which is a huge plus. It still hurts like hell when I apply pressure, but it's not bad enough to complain about. 

Touma used to take care of my bruises he left on me, but he never cared for it this long after. He'd put ice on it right after and _maybe_ the next day, but that was about as far as he'd go. He didn't bother with the whole 'rest until it's healed' thing either. In his defense, he typically aimed for my face and hair, not my ribs. 

For someone who would always tell me how pretty he thought I was, he sure enjoyed bruising my face. 

It almost feels unnatural now to not have a sore cheek or an uncomfortable tenderness on the back of my head from where he pulled my hair. I thought if I really was forced to spend the rest of my life with Touma, I'd go bald. There were days where I'd pull out clumps of hair just brushing it. 

I run my fingers through my hair, expecting to see improvement now that no one's hurting me anymore. Instead, I pull out more hair than the average person would, maybe even competing with how much I'd pull out when I ran my hands through my hair a week ago with Touma. Maybe it never really was Touma's fault my hair was falling out? Well, I'm sure he did a little to help it. Now that I'm thinking about it, I realize the insane amount of hair covering the bed.

I lean forward and try to brush the hair off the bed, suddenly feeling itchy all over. It doesn't do much. There's too much hair that simply trying to brush it away won't work. The quickest solution with the least amount of work is to just wash the blanket and sheets. But _of course_ , I'm going to need Shikamaru for that. If he catches me walking around looking for a washer and dryer, I'm sure to get reprimanded.

I don't have the energy for yelling right now, though. I scoot myself off the bed. Now hyper-aware of the hair all over the bed, I feel the hairs cling on my legs as I get off. I brush my legs off as I walk down the hallway, stopping underneath the archway between the hallway and living room. I peek past the wall and see Shikamaru sleeping peacefully on the couch. I could just let him sleep a little longer, but I don't feel like going back to that bed.

"Shikamaru," I call. It usually takes longer to wake him up when I'm calling from the bedroom, but this close, his eyes flutter open quickly. He looks at me with tired half-lidded eyes, and his expression remains emotionless as he prepares to nag at me for being up. Before he gets the chance, I speak again. "I need the bedding washed."

Shikamaru tilts his head to the side, a look on his face I can only describe as confusion. "I had washed them only a couple of days before you came. They should be fine." He rubs his eyes and lets out a yawn. "Are you a big clean freak?"

"No, there's hair all over the bed. It's making me itchy and I can't get comfortable," I tell him. Shikamaru shakes himself awake and stands up, with an even more curious look on his face. I turn around and go to the bedroom and he follows behind me. I stop at the edge of the bed and watch as Shikamaru's mouth falls open at the current state of the bed.

"Are you a dog?" Shikamaru asks after an uncomfortable silence. Much like I had tried, Shikamaru brushes the bed with his hand, resulting in only a strand coming off. He even tries to put them all in a pile so he can just pull it off, but they cling to the bed like they're glue. "You shed like a dog," he adds.

"Hey!" I exclaim defensively. "I can't help it, it just falls out." I continue to watch Shikamaru hopelessly try to remove all the hairs. Even if he picks them one by one, it'll take way too long, and he's already proved that brushing them off or in a pile is useless. A childish whine leaves his throat and he starts to take the sheet off the mattress. I try to help but he lightly pushes me away.

"I can handle it," he says, bunching all the blankets and sheets together into a ball.

"I can help," I pout, crossing my arms. 

"You and your estranged fur have helped enough," he mumbles. He picks up the ball of bedding and tosses it in a grey laundry basket I hadn't paid attention to before. He picks it up and is about to leave the room when I realize he forgot something.

"Wait," I interject. Shikamaru pauses and looks over his shoulder, waiting. I turn and grab one of the pillows, taking the pillowcase off and tossing it in the basket Shikamaru's holding. I repeat the process with the second pillow. Shikamaru scoffs and resumes back to leaving the room. I've never seen where he's done laundry, so I follow him out of curiosity. I've only explored so much of the house, so I can't help but want to explore a bit.

We walk down the hallway, through the living room, and into the kitchen. Shikamaru stops in front of a white door. Shikamaru shifts the weight of the basket onto one arm, resting it on his hip to keep it still. He uses his newly free arm to open the door, revealing a small room with a washer and dryer right beside each other. Shikamaru walks in and places the basket on top of the dryer, and then fills the washing machine. I stand in the doorway and watch.

"Following me now?" he teases as he shuts the lid on the washing machine. 

"You have any better ideas on how to keep me entertained?" I retort.

Shikamaru shrugs and motions for me to move out of his way. I step to the side and he walks past me, sluggishly walking back into the living room and flopping back down on the couch. "Mmm, guess not," he admits. I roll my eyes and make my way to the living room to sit beside his head on the couch. He looks up at me when I sit down. It's weird looking down on him rather than up at him.

Neither Shikamaru nor I speak for a couple of minutes, just enjoying the silent company of the other. Shikamaru ends up closing his eyes again, and for a moment I think he's falling back asleep.

"When did he say you were supposed to go back to Tonaki?" Shikamaru asks out of nowhere. It catches me by surprise.

"Uhh... well he said 'next Friday before I left, but I don't know when that is exactly," I confess.

"How many days before you left did he tell you?" he questions, keeping his eyes shut.

I think for a moment, trying to remember even though the days feel all jumbled together now. "I think two or three?" I guess.

"You came here on Wednesday, so he told you that on Sunday or Monday. Today's Sunday so the first Friday just passed. This means he should be leaving this coming Friday." I'm not sure if he's talking to me or just thinking out loud by the way he mumbles. "So in less than a week, everything will be back to normal. Sort of," he concludes a little bit louder. I think he's telling me this to comfort me and give me something to look forward to, but it doesn't really work. I'm more thrilled than anyone else that Touma will be far away from me soon, but I'm not so sure of the idea of going straight back into the way things were. I don't see how by the end of this week I'll be any better than I am today. I'm still waking up into fits of panic at night— sometimes even happening in the middle of the day. 

Shikamaru's going back to work _tomorrow_ , which means I'm going to be alone in this house every day for God knows how many hours _every day_. For _five days_ , I'm going to be stuck in this house alone and vulnerable while Touma is still out looking for me. It's not Shikamaru's fault, I know that. If anything it's my fault since I refuse to see Ino or Choji, but I can't help but feel a little angry that he's going back to work. _Couldn't he just tell the Hokage he needs a week off?_

I know it's stupid to think that though. Shikamaru needs to work now more than ever. I asked him yesterday why he hadn't been working. When he told me he had been suspended it refreshed my memory of that day. The day he and Touma fought and I sat in the bathroom. Shikamaru told me got a two-week suspension for misusing his shadow possession and lying about a missing person's case. He's lucky he didn't get another week added. Touma left out that Shikamaru had punched him in front of the Hokage, so Shikamaru had to fill me in. I felt a little guilty that it made me feel happy.

Regardless, Shikamaru needs to work. He's already lost half his paycheck for this month because of me. 

Even if, hypothetically, Shikamaru was kind enough to take a week off to keep me comfortable. It doesn't mean I'll be any better by then. I'm eighteen years old, I'm supposed to be an adult. Shikamaru's taking care of me like I'm a fussy toddler even though he was no more than a stranger three months ago. It's embarrassing.

Now that I think about it, I don't even know what day it is. Actually, I'm not even sure what month it is either. Shikamaru told me I had been gone for two weeks, and I've been here a week I think. My birthday might have already passed. It's even more embarrassing if I'm nineteen and being taken care of like this.

"What day is it?" I ask Shikamaru. It probably sounds like I'm asking out of the blue to him. Shikamaru looks up at me and furrows his eyebrows.

"I just said it's Sunday-"

"Day of the month, idiot," I correct. Shikamaru rolls his eyes at my insult.

"It's the first of June," he tells me. _Not nineteen yet._ "Why?"

"Do you think that the Hokage will let me stay if I tell him my birthday is coming up?" I joke, suppressing a weak giggle. Shikamaru tilts his head further back to look at me.

"When?"

"The seventh."

"What're you turning? Fourteen?" he jests with an evil smirk. I narrow my eyes at him. I look to my right for a pillow, my eyes finding one instantly. I grab it and twist my body, lifting my arms to hit him with it. The pillow comes down and hits something, but it's not what I aimed for. He blocked my hit with his arms and grabbed the pillow to tear it out of my hands.

"I'm turning nineteen, you dick," I grumble, trying to grab the pillow back. Shikamaru moves it out of reach and I lean over his head to get closer. He sits up and moves it away again, putting his arm up high out of reach. 

"I find that hard to believe," he snickers, standing up when I get close to the pillow again. I stand up and try to jump to get it back. The first was unsuccessful, and the second jump left my knees feeling suddenly very weak. I give up and collapse on the couch, panting from all the effort I just exerted. 

I make a mental decision to not look at Shikamaru while I'm worn out and panting, because I know I'll feel guilty if I do. Shikamaru and I made an agreement for me to eating again and it starts tomorrow, he wanted me to weigh myself. I didn't argue since I was already curious myself. I was a little glad that he was there when I did it because the results weren't something I was exactly thrilled about and probably shouldn't be proud of.

86 pounds.

It's much lower than my original goal weight, yet there's something inside me that was leaping with joy seeing the number so low. I don't wear shorts around Shikamaru since I've lost the most weight in my legs. The gap that was barely there before, is now the first thing I notice when I look at myself in the mirror. I hate the way Shikamaru looks at me when he looks at my body. Maybe he can't control it, but it makes me feel awful.

How would he feel if every time someone looked at the thing he was most insecure about, their expression turned sour? Speaking from personal experience, it doesn't feel great.

At least when I was with Touma I didn't feel so hideous. 

Shikamaru and I decided on me eating again yesterday, after a lot of persuasion on his part. He told me he didn't want to worry about me as much while he's working, so I agreed. Today is the last day I'll really feel truly skinny. Well, for now at least.

"I'm just joking with you," he grins, setting the pillow on top of my head. "You look very much your age." Shikamaru sits down about a foot away from me and keeps his eyes on me, making me mildly uncomfortable. I don't respond to him. Shikamaru lets out an exaggerated sigh. "Anyways, what do you want for your birthday?"

"Nothing," I reply quickly due to embarrassment, feeling a blush creep on my face. I've only ever spent my birthday with my mom, and we'd just go out to eat somewhere I like. Things are very different now.

"C'mon Mi," he pushes. _There's that damn nickname he uses like a weapon._ " _He_ will be leaving on the sixth, so we could do anything you'd like. After telling Kakashi about everything, of course. It could be just me and you, but it could be all four of us if you'd like, too," he presents his idea, but I think the look on my face shuts it down. I watch his somewhat optimistic face turn into a frown.

"I..." I trail off, trying to come up with anything coherent. "I don't know," is all I'm able to come up with. I think it's still too early to see either of them. Even if it were just Shikamaru and me, there's still the risk of them running into us. It would be a hellish situation to be in and even more hellish to get out of. 

"What are you worried about?" Shikamaru questions. It's not condescending. He's genuinely curious. He leans closer, waiting for an answer. 

"I want to be me again when they see me," I confess. "I don't want them to worry about Touma or my eating. They don't deserve to be forced to deal with that..." The words slowly leave my mouth when I realize an error I made. "You don't deserve it either!" I panic, trying to come up with a rational reason why it's okay for me to drag him into my problems, but of course, there are absolutely none. "I'm already enough to deal with as it is, though. There's no reason for me to do this to them."

"You're an idiot," he mutters a little bit too harshly, but the look on his face tells me that he meant for it to be harsh. His eyes look kind of angry, similar to the way they looked the other day when we argued. "What do you think they've been thinking these past three weeks? What did you think I was doing up until I found you at my front door?" Scared to say anything to an angry Shikamaru, I don't say anything. I just shrug.

But then my idiotic brain connects the dots he was connecting for me.

"You're still missing, Mira. Ino and Choji have no idea where you are right now or if you're even okay. Only I know." I had forgotten for a while that I'm not just missing to Touma, but to everyone _but_ Shikamaru. The same way a week ago I was missing to anyone but Touma. I convinced myself that I was just hiding from Touma, forgetting that my two other friends have no clue what's happening or been happening to me.

"Oh... yeah," I say in almost a whisper. Those words are all I can manage to get out. My heart feels like it's being torn in half.

"I've felt much better now that I know you're safe and away from him, even with the after-effects from everything he did. I'm more concerned about your safety than whether or not you're a burden on me," he says with less anger in his voice. "I'm sure they would feel the same."

I avert my eyes away from his, looking down at my twiddling thumbs. Shikamaru isn't wrong about anything he's said so far, but I don't want to admit it. It's selfish of me to hide from my friends because I'm scared of them being disappointed in me. It's not like I'm concerned that seeing them will somehow lead Touma to me. I'm just scared of their reactions when they meet the frigid person I've become. 

I _s this some evil plan Shikamaru's come up with to make me stay at Choji's?_

My eyes shoot back up to Shikamaru's, but there's nothing behind his eyes that suggests he has a secret motive. 

There's no doubt that they'll ask questions when I see them again, and I can't avoid all of them. Maybe they'd let me evade answering certain questions, like ones about Touma.

"Would it be okay to not tell them everything?" I ask quietly.

"It's entirely up to you, Mi," he answers, looking down at me like I'm a hurt puppy. I nod instead of responding, letting the room fall silent. Unlike the nights where he's calming me down from my panic attacks, it's an awkward silence. Shikamaru lets out a small cough before speaking again. "Choji's been worried about me for a while. He thinks I'm isolating myself."

"You've talked to him?" I haven't seen or heard Shikamaru talking to anyone else since I've been here. It's a small house, so I think I'd hear.

"He's come to the house a couple of times since you've been here. I've seen him coming up so I go outside before he knocks, in case it stresses you out of anything." Shikamaru rubs the back of his neck and looks away. "I also don't want him peeking in the house and seeing the setup on the couch. It'd probably raise some questions. I'd just like to avoid it altogether."

An embarrassed heat builds at the back of my neck. I tend to forget sometimes that the bed I'm sleeping in isn't mine, but Shikamaru's. He's been sleeping on this couch for however many days I've been here, and I'm sure it's not comfortable. It's just another burden he's bearing for me. He's going back to work tomorrow as well. I'd feel awful if I made him sleep on the couch another night when he's already dealing with calming me down at all odd hours of the night.

I think hard about the decision I'm about to make, but determine that I'd prefer Shikamaru's comfort over my own. 

"You should probably sleep in your own bed again," I offer, trying to hide the anxiety in my voice.

"I don't mind sleeping on the couch," he replies quickly. "I already took naps here." I frown at him. _Of course, he wouldn't just take the stupid offer. Dumbass._

"No, I should've been sleeping on the couch this whole time anyway, and you're going to work again and all..." I insist. Shikamaru stays silent and looks as if he's thinking about it. Ultimately, he gives in.

"Well, alright, I guess."

—

_What a load of shit that was!_

I'm not sure what I was thinking earlier or what I expected. It should've been more than obvious I was going to freak out. How could I have not seen it before? No, I definitely saw this coming, but I chose to ignore it like an idiot. Shikamaru should take some of the blame for this because I'm sure he knew just as much if not more.

It's not like I can say something now, though. Shikamaru went to sleep _hours_ ago, but I'm still wide awake. Shikamaru seemed to think it was odd that I was still awake when he was going to bed, but I told him I was fine. Because I'm an absolute fucking idiot. Skip to six hours later, and here I am! Sweating and shaking underneath the blanket.

I thought this whole time that the reason I preferred Shikamaru's room was because it was farther away from the door, thus farther away if a certain someone decided to barge in. Now I realize I was dead wrong. The door is part of it, but it was more about the size of Shikamaru's bedroom. It's a small room with not a lot of space to move around, so I felt nice and cozy knowing that big ole' Touma wouldn't be able to maneuver around so easily. A smaller room would be so much nicer, yet I willingly put myself in the roomiest and most spacious area in the house, where even a big dude like Touma can run around easily.

The blanket I'm hiding under is just adding to the accumulating sweat on my body and face, but it's the only way I can make myself feel at least a little safe and closed in like I had been in Shikamaru's room. However, it's not working well. I'm now in a state where my body decides that sending me cold flashes will help. Instead, it makes me think that it's the air hitting me after someones ripped the blanket off of me, giving me a mini heart attack every single time. 

Yes, I may be tempted to go into that bedroom right now and tell Shikamaru I was an idiot for thinking I could do this. Scratch that. I am _very_ tempted to do that. But I gotta toughen up some time, right? I'm going to be left alone every day from now on. I can't live the rest of my life afraid of Touma when there's nothing I should worry about anymore. It's been almost a week since I've come here, and there's been absolutely no word about Touma. That's a good sign. That's an amazing sign. Soon, Touma will be gone out of this village and I'll be-

Cold flash.

...

Fuck this, I'm going in. 

I hesitantly lift the blanket over my face, greeted by dark shapes all over the room that I can't make out. They only add to the terror I'm feeling. If I stare too long I'll just create something worse. I remind myself that it's nothing and remove the blanket off of me entirely, suddenly feeling way too exposed. It feels like I'm on display to any possible dark figures hiding in the corners of the room, so I quickly lift myself off the couch and speed walk to the bedroom, not giving a damn about the circles my head is spinning in. 

I stop at the door frame, waiting for my eyes to adjust a little better to the room. It's easier to see in here since the window is open, and the moonlight gives me a glimpse of the body on the bed. On the side I usually sleep on, is Shikamaru. From what little I can see, his hair is out of its ponytail. I take a step into the room, going to the unaccompanied side of the bed, but Shikamaru then rolled to the center of the bed, taking up both sides.

_Is he awake and just messing with me?_ The thought circles my brain and I seethe. 

I am way too tired to deal with this right now. I walk over to the usual side I sleep on and grab Shikamaru's shoulder to lightly shake him awake. I flinch back a little when I feel my hands connect with his bare skin rather than the sleeve of a t-shirt. Ignoring it, I shake his shoulder, being rewarded by a low hum from his throat. The sound alone calms me down immensely. 

"I-" I start but Shikamaru rolls over, turning away from me and ignoring me. 

_Dammit! You lazy and arrogant prick. I'm going to kill you when you wake up._

I turn around and am about to storm out and say sayonara to sleep until I hear a tired voice murmur something. "Huh?" I sound. 

"Lay down and go to sleep," he groans in a sleepy voice. My face flushes red but who am I to deny the offer when that's the whole reason I came in here in the first place. It's not like I expected Shikamaru in his half-awake state to willingly leave and take his place back on the couch. 

I crawl in the bed beside him and stay completely still once I'm laying down. Unnaturally so, like I'm made of stone. It's not like I'm not used to sleeping next to a guy. Those two weeks being stuck with Touma proved that. But this is _much_ different than sleeping next to Touma. I was used to sleeping next to Touma, but now my heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest and my lungs suddenly find it hard to breathe. I pray he can't tell but I am _freaking_ out. Not the usual type where I feel like I'll die at any second. It's something different. It's _very_ different.

No! I felt like this with Ino too! I'm just nervous because we haven't known each other very long and he's a friend. That makes sense. All I have to do now is close my eyes and go to sleep and I won't have to think about it anymore. 

Yup.. going to sleep now. Heart pounding. Heavy breathing. Body shaking. Perfect condition for a good night's rest. No doubt in my mind. Best sleep I'm ever going to have.

The weight shifts just the slightest on the bed and I feel a warm hand touch my shoulder, trailing down my arm until it finds my hand. Once he's there, he leaves it. The warmth spreads up my arm and to my cheeks. Then, tired words leave his mouth that calm me down quickly.

"Everything's okay."

The final syllable leaves his lips and I feel everything in me start to settle down, finally allowing my body to relax and close my eyes. My body's been fighting off sleep for so long, but now it so willingly accepts it. 

I guess having your own personal emotional support person helps a lot. Man, what am I going to do when I can't hide here anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey lolz. so i was gonna update like two or three weeks after my dog passed but then i had a sudden burst in health issues :D went 2 the doctor today and they said my spasming pinky finger and severe headaches are probably just stress?? idk tbh. anywaysssss if my pinky finger keeps having muscle spasms, writing will definitely take longer cuz it's so hard 2 type LOL but that being said updates might be slower because i'm writing future chapters as well bc i've neglected them for far too long. okay thank u buh bye


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